What makes you want to be friends with someone?

[BrimfulOfBaba]

Wondering because I'm still quite new in a city and still in the process of making friends. Covid restrictions have made things a bit more difficult but I'd like to use the time to maybe work on myself if possible.

I do have lots of friends in my home city, lots of positive relationships but only a handful of really close ones.

I find it hard to make new friends that go deeper than a 'group outing every now and then' stage.

What would make you want to befriend a 'new' person?

For me it's probably just someone that I naturally click with, and feel connected to or on the same wavelength with, so we can make each other laugh, share experiences and just naturally spend time together.

I'd say I approach everyone I meet as a potential 'friend' and I'm happy enough to make an effort to get along with them. Of them, over the years a few will 'click' and a few will fall by the wayside (or be avoided) and the majority I'll just be on friendly terms with but not friends exactly.

I'm not sure it's something you can force but you can probably encourage it along by putting yourself out there, being friendly and natural, and also just by being interesting (having some stuff to talk about is something I struggle with as my life can be a bit work, kids, laundry at the moment) but also being interested in the other person.

Hope you find someone

I moved countries a year ago and despite the lockdowns and the fact that I spent five months renting somewhere remote, I’ve met some people I like and think may become friends in time. They probably don’t have much in common other than that they all have work they love — ranging from a gynaecologist to an art student to a blacksmith to a policeman in a forensics unit — and are good talkers, and witty and funny to be around. I think a lot of the people I tend to end up around have some involvement with the arts, and have almost always lived outside their home country for long periods.

Like @fellow said, someone I naturally click with, where conversation can be any old random bollocks 😄 but that flows naturally, is fun and requires no conscious effort.

I made a new close friend this year. We use the same gym and started saying hello when we saw each other (initiated by me as I talk to everyone in there whereas he is very much the strong, silent type).

Saying hello progressed to exchanging a few sentences before leaving which then progressed to walking out of the gym together and chatting outside. After a few weeks of this, I asked him if he' wanted to go for coffee with me (I was sick of standing outside in the freezing cold having a chat after a gym session). He said yes. We progressed to lunches, to dinners, to day trips out, to cooking dinners at home for each other and during lockdown to walking or cycling together (which is where we're back to now grr).

This all started in Jan and during this year he has become one of my closest friends. I've told him things I've never told anyone before. People at the gym who know us both are baffled yet fascinated by our friendship. I'm an extrovert, he's a real introvert. On the surface all we have in common is being members of the same gym.

So what drew us to each other, and why have we become close friends? I think it really comes down to the fact that we have very similar values and tend to think the same way, but we are also different enough to keep it interesting.

We obviously both like the gym. We live within 30 mins walk from each other (although he was very mysterious about where he lived for ages - it was like trying to get an answer from James Bond) which has really helped during lockdown as we will walk and meet halfway and then carry on our walk together.

We slowly learnt to trust each other over time. I am very open whereas he's totally closed. But he's utterly reliable (usually early and has never once let me down). We both treat each other with respect and are considerate of the other's feelings or commitments or preferences. We both enjoy good food and good coffee so that was a good starting point. Turns out we also both like walking and we love going to new places and learning new things. He's laidback and incredibly patient but can be quite demanding (he's a barrister) whereas I'm impatient and impetuous (so he says!) and don't suffer fools (I'm a banker). We just click. I like that he challenges me (always in a respectful way) whereas he likes that I'm very driven and full of energy and self-confidence. Our different strengths (and weaknesses) complement each other and it just really works. When I was very upset about something in my personal life, he walked 17km with me in the pouring rain listening to me talk and being supportive. He's become an amazing friend yet one year ago, I'd never exchanged more than a sentence with him.

Sorry OP, that was long and rambling but I wanted to share that it is possible to make new really good friends.

I've expanded my social circle a lot over the last few years and the trick is 1) make the effort! be the one to say hi, how are you etc and 2) accept offers (or make offers) even when you don't feel like it. You never know what will happen if you say yes instead of no.

General kindness, the ability to accept and understand that not everyone has the same life as you and that’s okay, I cannot bear narrow mindedness and a bloody good sense of humour... well not even necessarily a ‘good’ one but one to match and complement mine.

These have been really nice to read, and @HundredMilesAnHour, no need to be sorry, it's such a heartening and positive story. I'm so glad you had the courage to initiate a brilliant friendship!

Reading these responses and generally googling things like 'how to make friends' (😂) I've realised I have been preoccupied with how I might be coming across (eg telling myself to be cool!) that I've not really been thinking of how I make others feel - I can't be projecting comfortable vibes if I don't feel comfortable in myself!

I have a walk tomorrow with a couple of acquaintances and will try really hard to be as relaxed and natural as is possible while trying!

@FollowThatStarTonight has it exactly right. I moved to a new area with two school age kids and no partner. I just took every opportunity to meet people and get involved, and that is not normal for me - I'm quite an introvert.
I see my son, who takes after his father, just be really friendly to everyone. Consequently he has made friends with all sorts of people - he now goes to the gym with a lad he met when he went to the butchers!
You have to be brave and put yourself out there.

I’m always attracted to people who are open and honest. I find reserved people too much like hard work.

I like people who are amusing, confident and cheerful.

Being open, warm and friendly really does go a long way. I often find a genuine compliment is a good icebreaker. If I like a piece of clothing, jewellery I'll comment on it being nice and the recipient will normally react positively and respond with a response that then leads to a bigger conversation. Failing that then conversation starters about kids, hobbies, pets, and work are always strong contenders. People generally like to converse with others that they can feel they're on common ground with. It adds to our personal sense of value and well-being. Everyone loves to feel they're being listened to and what they have to say is being reacted to positively.

I think you need not to push it, let it grow naturally. You make casual friendships easily so that's 90% of it. See the people , chat and see what happens. You can't push this stuff.

Also remember that however well you get on with someone, they may not be on the market as it were. I seem to have people wanting to be friends with me quite a lot. But I don't have the headspace or interest to do it. I like the people very much. But I have enough on my plate with work, family etc and although I seem outgoing I'm actually someone who enjoys my own space. I mean this is pre covid. I have enough trouble keeping up my old friendships. So, if you like someone and they seem to like you and you get on etc but they don't seem to want to take it further don't blame yourself. They may just not be in the right place to take it on. I know that sounds mad but I'm being honest.

That's a helpful perspective @NiceGerbil - I was definitely not 'on the market' before moving cities, so should have remembered this! In any case, happy to just have a wider set of acquaintances :)

For me it is someone who shared my passions in life so we can talk at a very geeky level for hours without boring each other. Beyond that, I get close (beyond that occasional social outing level) to women who are intelligent, kind and love to talk about the world and ideas.

I avoid friends who gossip and bitch about other friends or who just want to discuss what's going on in our village. That bores me. I love friends who want to go for long walks and chat about books they've read, things happening in the world etc. People who cope with their own dramas calmly - I don't mind at all if a friend calls me up, upset and needs to talk through a crisis, but I avoid me-me-me my-life-is-a-walking-crisis types or people who are constantly negative and self pitying because that is so draining. I also avoid people who talk non stop about themselves and never listen.

So, overall: calm, kind, very engaged with the world. lots of interests and passions of their own some of which overlap with mine. Loves a good walk rather than gossiping over coffee.

Same sense of humour, no drama or nastiness, no awkward pauses, not competitive with me or other women in general and not in everybody’s business all the time. I think as a op said, I can be quite reserved so am probably quite difficult to warm to and tend to shy away from people who come across as loud and brash but sometimes I just click with someone and it’s wonderful.

Anyone who makes me laugh and doesn’t take themselves too seriously. But can also talk about serious things when needed. Just not all the time. Don’t like drama. And someone who is open and ok with vulnerability.

And I agree with availability. Someone can be the nicest person in the world but if they’re only available evenings then it’s never gonna work. I made a new friend recently. She’s really nice and funny. But also is free on the same days as me and has a child the same age. So it’s convenient too.

A big friendly smile. Quick wit and people who can see the funny side or like to laugh. People who like a good swear from time to time. People who have opinions and interests (doesn't have to be the same as mine). Just generally someone who omits some sort of nice positive energy. I'll often be drawn to someone wearing a fun scarf/hat/shoes as that little flash is to me and indication or a fun personality.

Generally i find some people are just very open to new people and experiences. And others are very settled and happy in their small groups and find it weird if you are chatty etc. I have learnt to read it better and its not personal or anything i am doing wrong. They just aren't open to it-whoever the person making the approach was.

Good sense of humour especially if it's a bit absurd like mine is , kind, doesn't bitch about people behind their backs, has enough interests that they have stuff to 'bring to the table' conversationally and it doesn't matter if the bulk of those interests aren't the same as mine, as I'm a nosy beggar and love to learn about different ways of life. But some overlap is always nice. Able to listen and be supportive, do the serious stuff and not just a fairweather friend for fun times who never talks about their feelings ever. Able to self regulate emotions, not always caught in a whirlwind of drama - I tend to like someone who is consistent and steady. Not moody and changeable so they seem to have a different personality every time you meet and you can't predict which version of them you're going to get that day. I also avoid people who get huffy easily or who are always busy being affronted or sulky. And finally, someone who puts in roughly the same amount of effort when suggesting meet ups or getting in touch so neither one of us is doing all the running and it feels balanced and respectful.