Sick of constant aggression from DS13

[TamaraDeLempicky]

I try so hard with him. My friends say how patient I am with him, how understanding I am. Yet I have no place to vent and no one close to me who understands without being judgemental. I am currently lying in bed with heart palpitations and desperately wanting to cry but no real tears coming out.

My DS13 has low level but evident SEN. Birthdays, parties Christmas etc always end in anger as he can't cope with the excitement. He has been diagnosed with Asperger's and Tourette's which of course are not his fault but he definitely plays on these diagnoses. He swears but blames it on the Tourette's. You, like me, will know your child's lying face when you see it. He uses Tourette's to excuse his rude and sweary language 90% of the time.

He also binge eats due to his ADHD - a nightmare at Christmas. He has loads of sensory issues around food but unfortunately sugar has never been an issue. We have limited the amount of chocolate which he has received this year but he is still sneaking food out of the kitchen.

Anyway, he has got many lovely presents which he is thrilled with. Things were ok until 11am. Since then there have been countless arguments about food, gaslighting (he asked to play on the Xbox, I said ask DH but he put it on anyway then claimed I had given him permission 🙄 happens several times a day), swearing.

I don't know why I am writing this. He is obviously unhappy but so am I yet I'm the one who has to hold it together.

That sounds very difficult.

I really feel for you, and wonder if you have considered PDA? I have a child who was diagnosed with Tourettes, then ADHA and finally ASD with PDA tendencies. Everything you have written really sounds like he is overwhelmed (and all very familiar). I know our friends with children with the same diagnoses are all experiencing very similar behaviours (and they get worse at Christmas etc.). There is some good behavioural approaches that can help (which can feel counter-intuitive) and good info. on the PDA society site. Loads of sympathy though as it is very, very hard to live with it....

That's so tough, OP. Fellow ADHD parent here so recognise those behaviours. Are CAMHS involved? What support do you have/want?

You have my sympathies OP. And a very unMNetty hug too. I’m sorry I have no real advice other than to just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m currently trying to keep mine from exploding too (ADHD) he’s tired and overwhelmed and it’s all just getting to boiling point.

Can you take some time to yourself? Read a book or watch something on Netflix? Let DH manage him for a while and try an engineer an early night for him?

I know it’s hard. I’m with you.

It is difficult. So this just happened...

He asked me in what order the planets go in. I said I didn't know (I might but there would be a bit of guessing) and why doesn't he use your new Alexa?

His reponse? "Your dead mum."

I literally don't know what that means. My mum isn't dead but she's old and it's something I think about a lot. His usual response is "Your dead nan" - all the nana on both sides are dead so I find this very offensive. When I tell him how offensive he's being he just laughs. He truly disgusts me.

Really tricky OP. DS1 is 8 with ASD and suspected ADHD and I'm just waiting for this sort of problem to start emerging. He's been in a bad mood today with the excitement and build up of Christmas.

What are your non-negotiables? It sounds like the swearing is out of hand. Is your DS receiving help with his Tourette's? You need to implement very strict rules e.g. no swearing AT people; he must substitute swears for other words, he goes in the garden to swear otherwise screens etc disappear. It might get worse before it gets better, but he won't survive in e.g. the workplace if he behaves like this.

Remember Christmas is tough, but he has no right whatsoever to swear at you and be aggressive under your roof.

That sound really tough.

Sounds like you need to find a way of having boundaries in place to protect you and that his aggression is not taken out on anybody.

Thanks for being so kind everyone - I'm now crying! Don't want to but do feel better for doing so

He truly disgusts me.

I bet he knows it too, and I'd imagine that's a large part of his behaviour.

I will respond to each of you when I've calmed down but just to say he does not accept boundaries. I work in a school where I was asked to work with a class on their behaviour issues. I turned them round in two weeks by implementing strict boundaries. I've used every bit of my parenting classes in my work but these rules have NEVER worked at home.

@TamaraDeLempicky

Sorry to hear that I'm a secondary teacher too and know how tough this is, and what a tough age it is.

You sound knowledgable and might know this already but here are some PDA strategies:

www.pdasociety.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Positive-PDA-booklet.pdf

I have two children with asd and I think Christmas is a very difficult time because difficulties are highlighted and magnified when you perceive that others are having a much more straight forward time and expectations are higher. Remind yourself that it is just one day. I am eating roses and drinking wine and focusing on getting to tomorrow without a major disaster.

Boundaries are exceptionally hard with PDA children, especially at home for those that manage (mask) outside the home. Be kind to yourself, dealing with these kind of issues is exhausting (and heartbreaking sometimes).

Having these diagnoses does not give your kid a free pass to be a little shit!
My son has aspergers along with dyspraxia and dyslexia. We have learned to be very black and white with him, it does no good to be ambiguous he just doesn't get it. We also have had to be consistent with him.

If you don't like him swearing and his tourettes is not that way inclined, then have consequences and follow through every time. Often kids with aspergers need firm boundaries and guidelines, it helps them be more ordered.

It's up to you where your boundaries are, but your son is at the age where they are trying them even more, hormones are also in the mix now, so pick your battles, but wherever your boundaries lie, stick to them.

Keep talking to your son about respect for each other and what that means to you and your family and your DH needs to step up and pull your son up whenever he is disrespectful to you and you need to do it if your son is rude/ disrespectful to him.

It is a phase he will get through it, but you need not to excuse his behaviours because of his diagnoses if anything you need to be former about what's right and wrong, because social niceties that are ready for you and me, need teaching in black and white to kids that just don't pick them up in the normal way.

Harpydragon with respect, some ASD presentations like PDA do not respond at all well to being black and white and very clearly defined boundaries, and it is really hard when you try to apply that kind of behaviour management over and over again and just feel like you are failing and a dreadful parent.

I have been there and it can be an utter nightmare (and people who haven't experienced this often struggle to understand).

It doesn't sound like the OP isn't able/hasn't tried to parent well. I am also not going to say her DS sounds like a little shit, he sounds like a child who is not coping and unfortunately expressing this in unacceptable ways.