Anyone else struggling more this year with missing family who’ve passed away?

[SinkGirl]

Wondering if anyone else is feeling it more this year because I am really struggling.

My mum died 5 and a half years ago, so it’s been six years since our last Christmas together. I thought it would get easier over time but this year it’s harder than ever and I don’t know why. We have twins who are 4, so obviously she never met them or knew I was having them. They still don’t understand what Christmas is (both are autistic), but maybe it’s getting harder as they get bigger and more aware.

Maybe it’s seeing so much focus on people not being able to spend Christmas with their families this year - seems like everywhere I look people are talking about it, so maybe that’s making me think about it more. What I wouldn’t give to have a zoom Christmas with her! Not trivialising the fact that people can’t see their families, I know that must be awful - I think it’s just the fact that it’s being talked about far more than usual at Christmas.

The boys only have one grandparent and we don’t see them much. Also a great grandad on DH’s side who they’ve only met once and who’s sadly just been diagnosed with COVID. I feel so sad for DH and his family facing this at Christmas, I feel so sad for my boys that they have such a small amount of family and will never have a “big family Christmas” and never know my mum.

Last year I managed better but as Christmas Day gets nearer I just feel worse and worse. I’m trying to hold it together for my boys and try to make it a lovely Christmas but I’m really struggling.

Does anything make it easier?

Un-Mumsnetty hugs to anyone feeling the same way. This year has been bloody awful.

I dont think it gets easier, maybe you learn to hide it better.

I've lost my parents, my kids have no grandparents.

As you say, All this talk of a smaller xmas is wearying, it's all we ever had.

I dream of a big family xmas.

@SinkGirl'm sorry you didn't get more replies.
Sometimes just reading others are in a similar position makes you feel less alone.

I'd suggest trying the bereavement board on mn next time you need to get your feelings out, I found so much support there, especially on the thread of losing a parent, although I dont know what it's called now. But theres probably similar going on now. One poster called mummylin was so very supportive.

Good luck and I hope you are ok

No, I loved my dp dearly but I'm glad I don't have to worry about them in this time. I wonder what they would have made of it!

I think you just get used to it rather than it getting much better. It’s been 10 years since my dad died and in some ways it gets harder as my life has changed beyond recognition since he died (I was a student at the time and now married with DC and a career) and it’s hard that he never knew any part of that. I’d of loved to have known what he thought about this year and what his attitude would have been about it all but I’ll never know as it’s such a unique situation.

Yes, I’m feeling the same OP
My dad died three years ago & for the last few years I was his sole carer, my mum died a long time ago. He lived alone, he was in his nineties, but I used to visit every day to take him food, do his washing etc. It was getting easier to a certain extent till a few weeks ago, I was thankful that he hadn’t had to live through all this year has been. But these last few weeks I’ve been aching to have him here again, crying sometimes, really missing him. Don’t know, as you’ve suggested if it’s all the talk of family Christmas arrangements.

Lots of love to all of you. I feel like I was getting used to it, but this year feels so much worse. I expect if your parents were elderly then you can think that at least you didn’t need to worry about them during this, as you say @PandemicPavolova says. My mum was only 61 and was extremely healthy until the cancer showed up. I am glad my lovely nan wasn’t around this year though, as she was in a home with dementia and 90 when she passed away, so would have been very high risk.

Hopefully it’s just a blip and I’ll feel better soon. I hope everyone manages to enjoy their Christmas

@Darklane

Yes, I’m feeling the same OP My dad died three years ago & for the last few years I was his sole carer, my mum died a long time ago. He lived alone, he was in his nineties, but I used to visit every day to take him food, do his washing etc. It was getting easier to a certain extent till a few weeks ago, I was thankful that he hadn’t had to live through all this year has been. But these last few weeks I’ve been aching to have him here again, crying sometimes, really missing him. Don’t know, as you’ve suggested if it’s all the talk of family Christmas arrangements.

So sorry you’re struggling so much too. I guess also it’s just been such a hard year overall and that makes everything else harder to cope with. You are not alone

Sink they passed away when I was younger than 40.

Easier, no, but doing things differently helps a lot, the "empty" chair at the Christmas table is less obvious if the events are changed eg we ate later and kids partners started to be there, and by a few years later those Christmases with that generation were happy memories rather than the overwhelming loss at first. Timescales vary from person to person, we are all different. This year will be hard for many of us in different ways - first year without my DD's for me, we have restructured the day and menu for a small Christmas, travel is simply a bad idea at the moment and they want to be elsewhere

My mum passed away almost 12 years ago, and I always really miss her at Christmas. This year, however, I lost my dad 4 weeks ago and it’s just bloody unbearable

However, he was suffering hugely with bad health, and passed very peacefully, so I’m relieved it wasn’t worse got him. And my mum, bless her, wouldn’t have coped at all with lockdown and not being able to see her twin sister, so I’m glad in a way that she didn’t have to live through this whole shitshow. Doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with though.

Mum died 12 yrs ago and even though it does get easier i find Christmas difficult. I really do miss her more than ever at Christmas. I went to bed last night and cried a lot. Got it out of my system as I don’t want to miserable for the kids.

@PandemicPavolova

Sink they passed away when I was younger than 40.

Sorry, I didn’t mean your age - I just meant that I wouldn’t have had to worry about my mum especially during COVID as she was still very healthy and self-sufficient. I expect if she had been older / vulnerable when she died then I would have some relief that she wasn’t here to be impacted by COVID, which is how I feel about my Nan. Not sure I’m explaining what I mean very well!

@40somethingJBJ I’m so sorry for your loss, this is such a hard time of year to lose a loved one.

@movingonup20 I suppose in some ways it’s easier for us as our lives are very different since my mum died (we have kids now, different house etc so she never came here - I don’t have the memories of that to linger on. After she died DH and I moved into her house while waiting for it to sell - it was where I grew up, and I was pregnant at the time and I really struggled being there without her).

Hugs to everyone - hopefully i can find ways to enjoy it, I don’t want to put a dampener on Christmas for my DH or my boys, not that they have any idea what tomorrow is or what Christmas entails!

I was caring for a dying lady at work on Tuesday & it reminded me that I wasn't there when my Nan died in 2017, I felt very upset suddenly & had a good cry on my break.
I do miss her. I mean she was 91 with psychosis & dementia and maybe it was her time but I miss her anyway because we were so close.

By the way my Nan always hated Christmas, she wasn't happy in the winter.