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Original poster

Dealing with the guilt of saying no, knowing you may not see family properly for months?

18 replies

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 17:00

How do you deal with it?

We were meant to see family boxing day and now can't. Instead my parents suggested we go see them for a couple hours at tea time xmas day. I really don't want to do this.

My kids are young and they live an hours drive away. I don't want to have the kids bouncing round in the back all excited on xmas day whilst I try to drive in the dark. They have said we can stay over but DH wouldn't come as he is nervous and has anxiety so we would be leaving him on xmas night alone. He also wouldn't be happy to have them in our home.

Also, my older sister is staying there (although they say she doesn't count as she can be in their bubble as her BF is with his parents) and my grandad, plus my younger sister and her BF live with them.

Thirdly, I wouldn't be able to have a drink and I will need to drink to get us through the chaos!!

Fourth reason, we were meant to have xmas day with my inlaws and have cancelled them as they live with DH very vulnerable Gran. To then go to my mums seems unfair.

I still feel guilty though even though my reasons are valid. My mum is so upset at not spending any quality time with us and knowing we won't be getting any in the near future. I really want to see her but it isn't the right thing to do. I said I am happy to meet at a national trust place for a walk but she said she wants to see the kids enjoy their presents and you can't do that outside.

How are people dealing with this constant emotional pull?

OP posts:

hotcrosswhat · 23/12/2020 17:21

It's so hard OP, I know there's bigger problems in the world but of course after this year, the lockdowns and limitations, we were looking forward to some family time at Christmas!! I've had to cancel seeing my lovely in laws so I can see my parents instead - usually we'd see one side on Christmas Day and the other on boxing day (DH is still going to his parents though, which they'll be happy about so I feel slightly less guilty). I wouldn't have done so usually, but I'm 20 weeks pregnant and want to see my mum and dad before they go into tier 4

To answer your question (instead of just telling you my life story!!) I would do what's least anxiety-inducing for you. It doesn't seem like there's a way to square all the circles this Christmas for many of us. for you x

nosswith · 23/12/2020 17:25

Remember that you are doing this because you love them and don't want them to come to any harm. There are around 70,000 families who have lost a loved one to Covid 19, and you would not want anyone else to have the same pain.

HopeAndDriftWood · 23/12/2020 17:31

My in-laws are the same... we thought they’d got over it, after a lot of emotional swaying, but we dropped presents off yesterday and they’ve already left a voicemail for DH asking if we’d consider going over after we’ve eaten on Christmas Day, and then sent some messages about missing us lots...

He’s been a lot better at it than I have; as I tend to overthink and worry, but generally he’s dealt with it well. Reminded them that we love them and want them to be safe, and that it’s one day. They seem to eventually accept it...

I wouldn’t do it, in your shoes. So many cons; very few pros.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Original poster

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 17:41

@nosswith

I think this is where we fall down actually. My parents household have had it. And we're fine so it is hard to justify wanting to stay away. My mum just keeps saying it isn't fair, that loads of people are breaking the rules and we are paying for it by being kept apart. I agree with her but I don't think the answer is to join in with the rule breaking, making this last longer! I just want to sit and cry but I don't want to upset the kids so I am going to get drunk instead!

OP posts:

tappitytaptap · 23/12/2020 18:06

We are seeing my in-laws slightly outside the days allowed for the same reasons. We won’t see them for months otherwise and doing it for the kids. I want them to have a relationship with them.

Original poster

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 18:16

@tappitytaptap There is only one allowed day now!

Also, we are tier 3 as of today (they have been for months) so the rules are that you can only meet in groups of 6 in open spaces so we will be breaking that rule by meeting up at all.

OP posts:

PimlicoJo · 23/12/2020 18:17

If you were in Tier 4 you wouldn't be able to see them at all. I'm really fed up with all the people bending the rules when many of us won't see anyone now this Xmas.

And if your sister lives with her BF she can't bubble with your parents. That isn't how it works.

If I were you I'd stay at home and enjoy the day with your DH and children. Your mum should understand.

Original poster

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 18:27

@PimlicoJo I know my sister can't bubble with them but that is how my mum is justifying it. And I think she does understand but is struggling alot. As is MIL, who keeps ringing saying they still want to come on xmas day and that DH gran has said she doesn't mind as she is "ready to die anyway"!

OP posts:

PimlicoJo · 23/12/2020 18:32

It's very difficult for you OP. I can understand how torn you must feel, I really do. It's very hard for you. But your parents are in a better position than most this year with some family around them.

I hope that whatever you decide you have a lovely Xmas.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 23/12/2020 18:34

Had my sister pulling on all my heart strings for weeks- l had to stand firm because as predicted, the tiers have all changed (she is now tier 2 was tier 3 and l am now tier 4 but was tier 2) so l said l would rather she made other plans more local to her (she is 4 hours away) rather than have nowhere to go because we may have to cancel last minute. Was bit of a relief when we went into tier 4 because she def can't come - l was on the cusp of saying oh just come. It is so hard OP but you could play the don't want to break the law card!

Original poster

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 19:11

@Fishfingersandwichplease

Thats how I felt when they said we could only mix xmas day as we never see then xmas day. And then she asked us to go xmas day evening instead and stay over!

OP posts:

Wishihadanalgorithm · 23/12/2020 19:39

OP, could your parents visit you? Would they be able to drive over to you and see you for an hour? Much easier for them to make the journey rather than you take the children who will want to stay at home and play with their toys.

If that isn’t possible then agree to meet up with them for a walk in the near future. In tier 3 you can do this.

Original poster

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 20:02

@Wishihadanalgorithm

If that isn’t possible then agree to meet up with them for a walk in the near future. In tier 3 you can do this.

I don't think my husband would want them in the house. He has been very anxious to be honest.

My sister just rang with the suggestion about going to theirs boxing day, exchanging gifts in their garden (have a gazebo and patio heaters) and then go for a walk.

Apparently my mum has been crying all day because we won't see her.

OP posts:

ilovebagpuss · 23/12/2020 20:16

Honestly you need to be straight and say you are really tired and dragging the young children out with a 2 hour tops time in car driving in the dark on Christmas Day just won’t be enjoyable. Tell them you would have loved to come and stay under normal circumstances but it’s just not working this year.
One year we drove in the dark and snow to in laws with young children on Boxing Day we were all tired the journey was terrifying bad visibility and I swore I was never doing that to any of us again. Yes they come stay with us or yes we went a few days later but trying to squeeze it all in to please everyone but ourselves and then promptly back to work! No.

QueenOfLabradors · 23/12/2020 20:29

@ilovebagpuss

Honestly you need to be straight and say you are really tired and dragging the young children out with a 2 hour tops time in car driving in the dark on Christmas Day just won’t be enjoyable. Tell them you would have loved to come and stay under normal circumstances but it’s just not working this year. One year we drove in the dark and snow to in laws with young children on Boxing Day we were all tired the journey was terrifying bad visibility and I swore I was never doing that to any of us again. Yes they come stay with us or yes we went a few days later but trying to squeeze it all in to please everyone but ourselves and then promptly back to work! No.

Thing One. I love your username!

Thing Two. Yup, we've done the driving halfway across the country thing because our children were slightly bigger than their children.

Actually it worked out fine, and the turkey we'd cooked at sparrowfart and brought wrapped up with gravy in thermos was in fact the best ever - five hour resting time might be the way ahead people.

But mostly? We're looking forward to Christmas with just us, the dogs and the cat.

2pinkginsplease · 23/12/2020 20:34

Unfortunately this Christmas is going to be so different for many people, we are spending Christmas Day for dinner with my mum who we have in our bubble. Mil has her daughter in her bubble so will spend it with her smile.

In-laws are a bit upset we can’t all see each other as normal tomorrow but for us it’s too much a risk, we have dropped their gifts off.

We need to do what’s right right and what’s best for our own immediate families.

SmallChrismas · 23/12/2020 20:53

It sounds as if your Mum already has lots of people at her house. FaceTime her in the morning and enjoy your day.

Original poster

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/12/2020 21:07

Thanks everyone. I know I am doing the right thing but it is bloody hard to hear the people you love sobbing down the phone because you won't visit them.

OP posts:

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