So scared to get pregnant in case of ruining my life

[Scaredofjinx]

I wonder if others have been in a similar situation and can give some perspectives.

I'm late 30s. I have one adult daughter who I adore and am very close to. I spent a lot of her childhood as a single mother so perhaps our relationship is particularly close as a result of me being so young when I had her and it often being just the two of us.

I'm now in a long-term relationship and planning our wedding. DP and I have been together almost 5 years. He has two adult children from his previous marriage.

Ever since I had DD I wanted more children. I loved being a mother, loved the fun of early childhood. The teenage years, from 16, were pretty difficult with DD and caused a lot of stress, but I still wanted more children.

Whether or not to have a child has been a source of contention between DP and me. We went around in circles and then decided to try and I got pregnant last June but had a missed miscarriage which was ghastly. Then I started a new job so put TTC on hold. Now we're in a position where I planned to start TTC again but I've decided to delay because, truthfully, I'm terrified that having wanted another child so badly and for so long, something will go wrong.

I keep thinking of the phrase 'be careful what you wish for'. I've been so, so insistent and adamant that I needed another child. It was a non-negotiable. Now I worry that this stance means I will get a child, but one with disabilities of some kind, or one that goes off the rails or harms others. My mother always said why would I want another child when the one I have is perfect (I'm an only child). I wonder if I got pregnant again, would it jinx things, in an ironic twist of fate?

I worry that I'm older and DP is older. I worry about money (although we're fairly well off and have savings etc, none of which I had when I had DD as a teenager). But my biggest, most insistent fear is having a child with autism.

I honestly don't want to offend or upset people with my comments. I know several children with varying degrees of autism who I get on well with. But my experience is marred by my former step-son.

I had a previous, short-lived, horror of a marriage when DD was 10, to a man with an autistic son, slightly younger than DD. The entire relationship was a massive mistake. I was lonely, had no self-esteem, hadn't had a long-term relationship and just wanted to settle down like everyone I knew had done. So I married the first person that showed an interest in me. Unfortunately, he was a crap husband and also failed to acknowledge or deal with his son's autism - the parents were in denial, in spite of endless school reports, social services involvement. He had his son 50% of the time and it was the main reason I split up with him. I'm being honest - I hated being in that position. I dreaded coming home or spending any time with my ex step-son. He stimmed, screamed, destroyed the house, didn't sleep, soiled himself daily. Whilst his father downplayed any of the issues, wouldn't supervise him, wouldn't get up with him when he woke up and wouldn't acknowledge the difficulties. The boy ended up with a full time one-to-one at school, despite neither of his parents pushing it - the impetus came from the school who were clearly struggling to manage his behaviour.

I ended the marriage only a few months after the wedding. The situation was untenable, I was no good for my step-son and I couldn't deal with him.

Now I'm in a position where I desperately want to get pregnant but live in horror of doing so and ruining my life if I were to have a child with such issues. It feels like if my child did have something wrong, this would be my punishment or a curse of some kind for not loving my former step-son and for being so adamant about wanting a baby. I think I could deal with most things - I don't fear having a child with Down's Syndrome - but I am absolutely petrified of autism, probably to an irrational degree.

Another fear would be that if we had a child with additional needs, that this would cause intolerable pressure on my relationship with DP. I read articles where a woman has a last chance baby in her late 30s or 40s, that the child has profound disabilities, the marriage fails and the situation ends with the mother killing herself and/or her child, or else living a life of abject misery.

I spent hours last night reading various threads about parents dealing with children with disabilities and additional needs. And women choosing not to have children because of the risk that things could go wrong. My body yearns to get pregnant, but my brain keeps going around in circles about the risks.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you decide to do?

Bump

For me - if I had adult children and my partner did also, I'd be ticking kids off the list and enjoying life together. I understand the wanting to have another, but I do not think there is any point in starting again now, aside from all the reasons you state. You can now please yourself but instead want to get tied down until your late 50s .
As I say, not for me at all.

I don't have any advice but I'm so thankful you posted this. I am desperate for a child but we are undergoing fertility tests and will likely need treatment. I feel the exact same way.

I have a good life, lots of holidays, spare cash, lay ins, etc. I want a child but I think the exact same as you, what if I get pregnant and the child has a disability or autism? I would feel cheated but I couldn't do anything about it. I'd have given up a good life.

That's no offence to anyone who has autistic children. You are amazing in my eyes but I frequently read about how hard it is. My best friend said if she had her time to decide, knowing what she knows now, she wouldn't TTC.

We'll probably be bashed to death for saying it out-loud so let's get our helmets on. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in thinking this.

I can’t say I know how you feel

But I will say if you actively plan to bring a new person into the world, you must do it with full acceptance of how they might turn out, full commitment to that person forever.

Don’t think of a child playing. Think of the 20s adult having a nervous breakdown and needing parental support....or maybe having a glittering career on the other side of the world and having no time for you.

So many possibilities.

This is why I didn’t have another child. I was 40 so there was a high risk of my baby having a disability that would be life changing for me as the carer provider, and life changing for my other DC who would lose their mother. My feelings were influenced by the fact that I lost my own parent in that way - my Dad became a carer for a disabled relative and he’s basically housebound due to providing round the clock care, so I’ve lost my Dad and DC never had a grandad.

Hi, can I give a different perspective... if this is something you've been yearning for and really want how will you feel if you don't do it (or at least try?) Once that option is gone it's gone so try think carefully about what you really do actually want. Also, it sounds as though you have some unresolved anxieties about your previous marriage and perhaps your miscarriage too. You briefly touched on that but I wonder if you felt this way before the miscarriage? I had a missed miscarriage too last year and I'm late 30s. It was my first pregnancy after ttc for 3 years. I'm now 39 and thankfully 26 weeks pregnant with a little boy. However, during the year between my miscarriage and falling pregnant again I had some very dark thoughts i never spoke out loud. I told myself it was punishment for things I'd done wrong in the past (you mentioned you think you'll have a child with disabilities because of things you've done wrong in the past too) and convinced myself that my body couldn't produce a healthy baby and that I was worthless. When I did fall pregnant again I was hysterically anxious about what can go wrong... firstly convinced I'd miscarry again, then convinced the baby will have a chromosomal disorder (we spent hundreds of pounds on testing for this privately i was so worried) now i still worry about things tests can't pick up and stillbirth etc. My whole pregnancy has been very hard and I'm still scared. I think I should have had some counselling after the miscarriage but i convinced myself I was fine. I'm getting mental health support through this pregnancy which has been excellent- they've spotted things in me i didn't notice myself and i feel very very well supported. Anyway my point is if you really want this baby you're going to have to make yourself vulnerable to a degree and accept that ttc and being pregnant is something that comes with risks. But there is support out there and you also may be fixating on the wrong issues... you may need a little support after the miscarriage and you're not realising it. Whatever you decide don't let anxiety ruin it for you. Chances are everything will be fine and you sound like you're in a supportive loving relationship. Don't allow the miscarriage to make you doubt yourself and your ability to have a healthy baby. Also, as my mum said, you can have a completely healthy baby and then something happens in life to make them poorly / disabled later and you'd never not have a child for that reason..don't always look for the bad as its unlikely those things will happen. If they do you'll deal with it and give yourself more credit xxx

I know how you feel and I think one of the wonderful things about an anonymous forum like this is it allows us to discuss difficult and upsetting things openly and honestly.

When we had our kids we were honestly willing to accept anything that came our way - we were young, we had resources, our own parents were fit and well, we knew we could give any child whatever time and attention they could need, no matter what. Now 10 years on, we are older, our careers are in a different place, we have two existing DCs that need us, and our ability to commit to and care for another child regardless of disability or additional need in the same way that we could have for our earlier DCs is curtailed by our existing obligations. Our parents aren't getting any younger either.

That being said, having another baby wouldn't be for me, but that doesn't mean that's the right decision for you. I think you have some things that you need to work through, just for yourself - you still have a lot of guilt about not loving your step-son, you talk about a possible "punishment or curse" and I say as gently as possible that this is not right, you deserve no punishment here. Please consider having some counselling around this and also around your recent miscarriage for which These are big and upsetting events and I think that's really driving a lot of fear/guilt around whether to have another baby.

Good luck and be kind to yourself

Don't have another.

I get it. I have a ds with asd, and I’ve come to terms with not having more dc because I’ve had to accept that I’m already at capacity. And my odds of having another dc with asd are realistically high. The odds of having a dc with lower functioning than ds are also higher.

It’s not as straightforward and logical as it sounds written down. It was a very painful departure from my desires and dreams. Dh has been coldly logical about it all while I’ve been a mess of hormones and longing and baby lust. But I can’t deny that he’s right.

Realistically though, is there a reason to be worried? Is there asd in your families? You’ve had a lot of distorted thinking thrown your way and I understand your superstition (but do you really believe in a vengeful deity just waiting for an opportunity to trip you up?). Is there a genuine genetic concern behind this?

Your experience with your dss is about as bad as it gets. Have you thought about how you might react, as a parent to a dc with those needs? I bet you’d be out there, accessing services, getting extra help, giving your dc the benefits of early intervention! And you’d have a deep bond, that you just can’t have with a step child. That situation wasn’t your failure and there is literally no way that history can repeat itself.

Thank you everyone so much for your comments and not crucifying me for my feelings.

I feel guilty about my previous marriage. In some ways I realise I was young, fairly vulnerable and in a way love-bombed and targeted by a much older and inept individual who had never lived alone, never looked after his child alone and had grown up with his mother/maids/his ex doing everything for him. He was clueless about everyday life, couldn't manage bills or paperwork, couldn't fathom how a credit card worked, got into debt. I think he saw me as someone who could run the house, sort out childcare and do the laundry (despite my working crazy hours in a graduate job). Since the marriage ended, lots of my friends have said they were sure that my ex-husband was on the spectrum which may well be true. However, I do feel bad that I didn't want to be around my ex stepson. It wasn't his fault that he was in this dysfunctional situation and I certainly didn't help matters.

I feel bad in a way that if I did have a baby it would have things my daughter didn't have - a family, parents that were together. On the flip side I feel guilty that any baby I had wouldn't have a relationship with my mother (who now has severe dementia - she was a lifeline when I had DD and the two of them were so close when DD was growing up). Also, if I have a baby now, I'd be working full-time, whereas when I had DD I had her with me at university so had much more time to spend with her.

I know it's irrational but when I had the miscarriage I felt as if it was a warning of some kind - that God/the Universe was giving me a chance to reflect and consider if I really wanted a baby. At the time I got pregnant I'd been re-reading an old book I'd bought years ago - George and Sam - about a writer who has three sons, two of whom are profoundly autistic. I'd bought the book purely out of interest when it was first published and then I was terrified when I was pregnant that somehow I'd subconsciously 'chosen' to read this book at the time I conceived because somehow my subconscious knew that the embryo would be autistic. Or something bizarre. I was nervous throughout the pregnancy, didn't feel as bonded with the pregnancy as I had felt when pregnant with DD. I figured this was because it was 20 years on, I was now working full-time, was in a committed relationship and pregnancy wasn't my sole focus as it has been when I was 18. Or perhaps I somehow knew that the pregnancy would end in miscarriage.

I always wanted a happy family. I loved DD's childhood years so much - it was a great time. The last five years or so have brought significant stress for various reasons, and it's been pretty draining. We've had physical illnesses, depression, anxiety, drugs between our three children. So I know the realities of parenting and how tough it can be. I do worry even more with the issues so many young people have today - eating disorders, depression, bullying - certainly life isn't plain sailing and I worry about bringing a child into this crazy world.

I just don't know what to do. I dream about being pregnant and get pangs of loss when I think that I would now be nearly eight months pregnant if I hadn't miscarried. On the other hand I sometimes wake up in the night and hear the neighbour's children having a meltdown and think I'm too old and too tired to go back to square one.

If there was some guarantee that I'd have a healthy child then I'd start TTC. I know that any of our existing children can be injured or get ill and that's a risk I can deal with. My biggest fear is having a child with profound disabilities, that I didn't love, resented and felt that I'd ruined my life and DP's life.

What an incredibly honest and heartfelt post.

I am autistic, using the language we use now, but I was given a diagnosis of Asperger's at the time, meaning that I am 'high-functioning' (I have a partner of 17 years, a home, several degrees, a successful senior-level career and commensurate income) and, as I'm in my early 40s and have been doing this for a long time, can now 'pass' to the extent that you'd have to be super clued-up about ASDs to even notice, if you met me in a social setting.

However, that wasn't always the case, particularly not when I was growing up in the early-mid 80s, when autism, particularly its manifestation in girls, was still deeply misunderstood.

I have had several conversations with my mother about this in the years since my diagnosis, and she has been honest enough to admit that there were times when she genuinely felt suicidal.

I would not change myself, and my mother would not change me now either, but I think it is absolutely vital to be honest with yourself and have a complete 360 of your own expectations and abilities.

Bear in mind too that, although I exhibited many autistic behaviours as a small child, I was verbal, attended a mainstream school, had no additional intellectual disabilities etc - so, challenging but 'manageable'.

This is why, as an autistic adult, it is very difficult to communicate effectively with parents of autistic children - as they say, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism, and my experience or that of my mother is not that of a person or parent of a child with profound, life-limiting challenges.

Maternal (although apparently more importantly paternal) age can be a factor, although in saying that, it is becoming increasingly tangible that ASD has a very strong genetic component (we can identify at least three generations in my family alone). If you don't have strong evidence to suggest that is the case in your family on both sides, that might be something to consider in tipping the balance.

Fundamentally, however, I do think what PPs have said in considering if this is something you genuinely, genuinely desire or if it has turned into a box-ticking exercise for you is really important. Best of luck (and happy Christmas!).

I think you're being very honest which I applaud you for. I have a dc with very minor sn...I mean really minor, she will grow up and have an entirely 'normal' life, she is also very easy to look after, very sweet and compliant...my nt ds gives me far more trouble to be honest! However, I know via a sn group I go to that many many parents are in really difficult situations...a lifetime of caring, heartache and worry...I think if I heard some of their stories before I'd had dc, I might have remained childless.

I have a daughter with Down Syndrome which everyone seems to think is the absolute worst thing that could happen when you get pregnant. Trust me it absolutely isn’t. She is amazing and has made us all better as people and stronger as a family. She hasn’t in anyway ruined our life. We love her enormously as does everyone who meets her. I’ve never for a second resented her, my husband adores her and her brothers dote on her. I think what is scaring you more is going through a loss again.

I am ttc for first time at 38, life (well a previous partner) stopped me doing it sooner. My DP is HF ASD and I have ADHD, likelihood is we will have a kid with one or both as they are genetic. But we might not. It is a huge leap of faith. I just had a miscarriage and I don’t even know if I can carry to term. I want to ttc as I think I would regret not trying, I have always really wanted to be a mother. I have experience of SEN and know the risks but it might also be fine. It helps that we have the resources to buy in help if we need it. There is no easy answer but if you have a child already and feel you have satisfied that need, maybe that is your answer? I guess the question is what would you regret more?

In terms of family background, there's no history or autism as far as I know. However, I worry about how I was as a child - I was fairly precocious, very intelligent (into maths, science though I ended up being more into humanities as I got older and now work as a solicitor) and preferred the company of older children and adults. Having said that, I don't know how much is me, or how much was situational - my parents were in their 40s when I was born, my mother wasn't interested in children, they had no interest in children's activities or playgroups and I was generally left to my own devices as an only child which was fine.

I had friends throughout my childhood, though some friendships were more intense and I liked to be in charge and in control. I enjoyed imaginary play. I was an anxious child and have had various bouts of depression and anxiety throughout adulthood. My relatives have said they don't think I was on the spectrum as a child - I can't ask my parents as my father died when I was a teenager and my mother has dementia.

There is no history of autism in DP's family, though his brother has ADHD.

I wish in a way I could just relegate the idea of having a child and be content with this, but there's still this yearning. I wish so much I'd had a bunch of children in my twenties (though this clearly wasn't an option as I was single) when I was young and didn't worry about things so much.