Strategies for navigating harmoniously through marriage

[33goingon64]

I've begun a new approach with DH to see if it improves things between us. Most of the time we get on ok but there are a few things that I think I could manage better. I'd like to know if anyone else has tried these things and what happened.

When he gets grumpy or angry about something I said or did, I say nothing, go away and think very hard about whether I need to apologise or if he is being an arse. If I realise I was wrong, I apologise. If I wasn't wrong, I just wait. I don't ignore him and I don't try and talk about it. I carry on as if nothing happened, rise above it and let him stew until he either brings it up for discussion, apologises or forgets about it.

When he does something like leave ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE ON, I just leave them now. I used to go around turning them off but now I wait and he eventually turns them off. I hope he's slowly realising he needs to do that when he leaves the room. (I can only think that his parents never taught him. My DDad never let us leave lights on!)

He has a whole room for his clothes (spare bedroom) but still dumps clothes in our bedroom. Every day I pick up the clothes (mixture of clean and dirty) and dump them on the bed in his room without saying anything.

There are probably more examples. The thing is, I think they are good strategies for me, but at what point does this kind of 'managing' go from being a sensible way to negotiate through marriage (all relationships need work, right?) to being problematic because it 'shouldn't' need me to think about it this way? Maybe he has strategies for me I'm not aware of. Does everyone do this in their marriages?!

Yup I'm there.

Some people respond by actions, and nagging is hard work and ineffective.

I let the bins overflow. I don't put the bins out

If he's wrong about something I'll just tell him and walk away. I don't want to discuss it or have an argument.

Life's too short to argue and nag. Don't sweat the small stuff. It really doesn't matter.

Thanks. Marriage requires work, and this is the work I'm putting in!

A good strategy would be to marry someone on the same page as you, not a lazy, grumpy teenager. Do you still find him attractive OP?

All sounds sensible to me. You do what you need to do so you can mostly be happy together

@pinkyredrose

A good strategy would be to marry someone on the same page as you, not a lazy, grumpy teenager. Do you still find him attractive OP?

This. I can't imagine having to 'manage' someone's basic house-sharing behaviour and moods like this. That's not something that goes on in my marriage of almost 30 years.

I think it's a good strategy, OP. It sounds like you're investing your energy in managing your own responses to things, rather than trying to control your partner's. Of course, taken to the logical extreme this would be enabling bad behaviour (which would only really be a concern if the behaviour was actively harmful to yourself or others), but then the logical extreme of never managing our own responses is to not tolerate in a partner any deviation from our own ideals/standards, at which point your partner is less a person in their own right and more just someone you try to mould in your own image. As with lots of things, I think most marriages require a delicate balance.

@pinkyredrose

A good strategy would be to marry someone on the same page as you, not a lazy, grumpy teenager. Do you still find him attractive OP?

This is the best advice that anyone could give someone looking for a mate with the addition of kindness and generosity.

The total opposite to you, gets very old, very quickly.

I was a hard working, organised woman who loved travel, reading, cultural experiences, food and the finer things in life.

Why would a messy, lazy, disorganised person without ambition, disinterested in the world around him, make me happy?

Not a chance.
Would much rather be on my own.

I wanted to marry a man, not a child that needs mothering.

I do think that being able to bite your tongue is important in a marriage, and thinking very carefully about what you say when annoyed.

Harsh words spoken in anger, can never be retrieved, and can do huge damage to a marriage.

We had several years together before having children and I really think that also helped us survive the early years well.

We are both kind and considerate of each other, genuinely care about each other's feelings.

Madly, passionately in love with each other, after nearly 30 years, probably not.

But I love him deeply and dearly, and would be devastated if anything happened to him.

Marriage is a marathon of a journey, kindness and consideration of each other, makes that marathon a happy one.

You are managing your annoyance by avoidance.
Do you think you can do that for years and remain happy?.
Do you think you can continue that avoidance and have children?

I certainly know I couldn't.

Whenever I hear words such as 'marriages require a lot of work' I do rather wonder.

I mean, what would happen if you just asked him not to do stuff that annoys you?

That's why my husband and i did when we first moved in together - he HATES my chairdrobe (i love it, RIP chairdrobe) and i can't stand some of his table manners, so i told him so and vice versa, we stopped doing the things tjay annoyed each other, and voila, peaceful cohabitation. If he had continued speaking with his mouth full, i probably wouldn't have kept living with him.

Basically, every single issue in a non-abusive marriage can be solved or mitigated by actually just talking to your spouse. If you're having to secretly silently "manage" your partner, you probably picked the wrong one.

@florascotia2

Whenever I hear words such as 'marriages require a lot of work' I do rather wonder.

Yeah, not if you get it right.

When we got married our priest told us that god's wedding gift to us was grace--the grace to forget about small things that do not matter. I do remind myself of this sometimes over little things, but I agree with PP that it is much easier if you have married someone very much like yourself!