*Trigger warning* may be in the wrong topic.

[DontStayTooLong]

It's late and I'm tired so I apologise if this is in the right section. I can't think where else it would go but please feel free to request for it to be changed to a more relevant topic.

Before I go ahead, please don't read if a potential sexual assault may bring back memories for you. I need to finally write it down as I've kept it in for many years. I'm not a troll and MumsNet can check my posting history but I have NC for this.

I'm 27 now but when I was 11 (almost 12) there was a friend of my cousin and they were both 16. My cousin lived with my parents and I. The friend of my cousin (lets call him Bob) took a shine to me and would call my landline, talk to me on online chat (it was MSN back then). He knew my age but I was quite naive as a child. I believed in Santa and Easter bunny till I was about 10.

My parents took an instant disliking to Bob, parental instinct I guess and I remember my Mum going crazy at me about him. My dad would ground me, if the phone rang it was Bob my dad would threaten him etc. My dad even went round to Bob's house. I didn't see the big deal but I promised them I wouldn't talk to Bob. Bob was very antisocial and ended up getting into a load of bother (drugs, theft, etc) with my cousin. My Mum didn't want my cousin living in the house with us anymore and my cousin went to move back in with his own mum.

Anyway, one day Bob had gotten in contact and arranged to meet with me. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't see the danger (he was my cousins friend after all) but he ended up kissing me, laying on top of me and penetrating me. I remember freezing, I didn't even say a thing but I remember it hurting and telling him to stop but I don't remember much after that. I remember running home and pretending it was all normal. I don't know why I just froze, I didn't shout or push him off. I literally just laid there.

I've never told a soul. Not my cousin (who I was actually really close to) and definitely not my parents, they tried so hard to protect me. It's only now I'm older (a similar rape case has been in our local news) that I get this increasing urge to tell someone.

I have a wonderful DP but I'm not sure how he'd react. I'm scared of people not believing me. I'm up wide awake just wanting to tell someone.

I'm sorry you were raped op.
I'd be interested to know why your parents were so against him beforehand.

I believe you.

I believe you op

Perhaps you could tell someone like a rape support helpline worker or counsellor before you tell other 'real' people, to help you deal with this?

Take good care of yourself.

Thank you

I'm not sure, I've never spoken about it/him since I promised them I would never talk to him again. I remember my mum telling me about an abusive relationship she had and telling me that's what could happen if I'm not aware of these things. I grew up very quickly after this incident. I have literally never told a single soul.

I just Googled his name, it shows he still lives in our city but nothing else.

It's a lot to process for you, especially as you were very young. It wasn't your fault this happened.

I believe you. You are not to blame. Nothing you did and none of the choices you made justify what he did to you.

Thank you

I managed to get some sleep after posting so it must have helped to at least tell someone which is a relief.

I'm not sure why it's bothering me now all of a sudden? I've managed so far without it really entering my mind, yet now it seems to be the only thing at the forefront of it.

I'm so desperate to tell DP but I'm not sure what I'd gain out of doing so. I may not feel any better and then it's out into the open?

I am so sorry this happened to you

I’m a freezer too.
Literally just like a blinded deer, sometimes there’s a voice that goes “what the fuck are you doing” other times it’s been blank, just totally blank

I wish the freezing was spoken about more.
Now you’ve opened the can of worms you won’t be able to put it back in the box. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I’ve struggled with people’s reactions to mine, But I think part of that is them not knowing what I expect from them when I tell them.
you may do well to talk to a charity first, but I know it’s hard to find the words