It started in about September. I lost someone extremely close to me and couldn’t hold their hand as they passed due to COVID. Their funeral was small and not the celebration of life they deserved. I know I am one of many who have experienced this, a loss without getting to say goodbye properly.
Me and DH have started trying for a baby which I’ve wanted to do for a while, we decided to take the plunge due to our circumstances being the best they have in a while. Only on month 3 but of course the 2 BFNs have filled me with a bit more sadness each time.
I try to be positive and see that the future is bright, but I just don’t feel it will be at the minute. I crave to be a mother and I don’t know if it want it desperately due to the hole in my heart or if it’s just as I really want to be a mummy. And I feel like everyone is announcing pregnancies at the minute.
Since lockdown me and DH have argued a bit more than normal which I guess was a bit normal due to being on top of one another 24/7. We resolve conflict now it’s never bad more ‘spats’ but I do tend to get so upset when we do. I know he wants a baby too but I feel like I want it more which hurts a bit. I’ve changed my lifestyle to try and help our TTC journey be as easy as we can make it.
I wrongly have already ‘wrote off’ this month as it’s Christmas soon and he’ll be drinking when he doesn’t usually. This is wrong I feel guilty but in my head I just remember reading some article stating that alcohol is bad for sperm and it takes time to replenish and it just makes me believe we’ll have another BFN next month.
Apologies for what may be a whiny thread. I do know I have a lot to be grateful for and I do count my blessings which help pull me out of my dark holes I seem to slip into. However I do keep getting periods of sadness, a lot.
I spoke with a doctor about anti depressants but they stated it takes around 3 months to take effect and that when I fall pregnant I’ll have to stop taking them. So as we’re actively TTC I don’t want to start them and get used to them and then have to stop them