Lack of friends after bereavement

[Feelingbereftinmanyways]

Maybe better posting in bereavement but in here for traffic. Name changed.

Have just lost my Dad. He is was fairly young and a big shock. My mum also died fairly young at Christmas a few years ago. Has been a very difficult few weeks.

I’ve let people know and had lots of brier messages like sorry to hear xxx. But just lying in bed thinking about everything have realised I have had no messages to check in on me/family over the past few days, no cards at all, no flowers at all - I realise this sounds selfish I know - and I would have said I had some close friends.

I get that this is a crap, crap year even without Dad was probably the worst of my life but I’m hurting thinking I feel ignored by people I thought would have been ‘more their’ for me.

Please help me put this into some perspective so that I don’t harbour all these angry feelings at such a sad time already.

‘More there’

I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Is it possible that people don't know, or maybe they just don't know what to say?

I lost my mum this close to Christmas 30 years ago, and now I remember her with nostalgia rather than sadness.

Be kind to yourself, and just take it a day at a time.

Sorry for your loss

People often don't know how to react to such a big loss. They worry if they call they'll be disturbing you and often don't know what to say when they do. My advice would be to reach out and tell them it is OK to call or text and you'd like some company. I lost my Mum many years back and it is an awful feeling when everyone goes about their lives and you almost feel like you are in a vacuum.

Thank you both. I’m going through such a range of emotions that I fell like I need some perspective. I don’t want to always remember my friends from now on as those who didn’t help me. I don’t need any help etc but would have really appreciated a card with a kind message, if not flowers from those who usually send for birthdays etc. I don’t mean that to sound grabby, I really don’t. An old school friend saw the me a lovely long text filled with memories of my mum amd dad. I hadn’t seen her for years. Those I am close to now.... are nowhere to be seen. I to totally get is the week before Christmas and they are busy with family Christmas things...

Something similar happened to me after my mum died. After the funeral all the family just disappeared. It was 11 years ago and I'm still bothered by it tbh.

So sorry. To be honest i didn't check in on my friends. Parents do die. Life moves on. But do reach out to people and tell them you are stuggling x

Am sorry ghostly. It hurts doesn’t it.

Thanks Luna - very different view from my own but helps me understand others reactions.

I have had this with a friend who's mum died and I think after sending the initial sorry email I then waited a few days and just sent a "here's what I am up to, no need to respond" email (as we usually emailed back and forth about not much all day) and she responded about that and what she'd been doing and we moved onto practical stuff about probate (as I am good with forms/tax)
But working out what to say in first email (after the initial sorry one) was hard. Maybe email friends and ask them something practical like "need to get sone nice flowers where did you get that one you sent me a while ago".

Same thing happened to me. I lost both my parents when my children were small and no one really checked in.

I think that I was the first out of my friendship group to lose my parents so no one knew how shitty I was feeling. Also lots of my friends have have small children too so they are really busy. It does hurt though

I don't know how old you are, but I think for the most part, people don't really respond as much to the death of a parent. If it's not sudden and tragic, and if you're not young and still living with them, It's seen as an inevitability in a way. Certainly I don't recall people getting in touch in a supportive when mine died.

Death of a spouse or young sibling is a different matter. Or as I say, if the circumstances are shocking.

I'm sure if your friends knew you weren't coping well they'd support you though. Can you let them know?

Dad is his sixties. Was very sudden. I’m in 30s so not a baby.

Reading these replies giving me a big sense of perspective. I guess if not your own parent then different sense of loss.

I’m trying not to equate lack of messages/cards/flowers etc with ignorance or lack of care.... which may sound pathetic I know which is why am trying to rationalise....

I’m trying not to equate lack of messages/cards/flowers etc with ignorance or lack of care.... which may sound pathetic I know which is why am trying to rationalise....

When my mum died my husband came to my workplace to tell me. My very understanding boss sent us up to his office so that we could talk in private. He must have told my colleagues while I was in his office, and a few came up to me as I was leaving work to say how sorry they were. Some just turned away, and I felt very hurt by this, so I know exactly how you feel.

I later learned that the ones that turned away were embarrassed and just didn't know what to say.

Hugs

@Feelingbereftinmanyways ah OP I completely understand where you are coming from. DP died from short illness a few years ago now. With the exception of one friend a lot of people just vanished. I don’t know if it’s awkwardness and not knowing what to say or it reminds them that it can happen to anyone or they just don’t want to be involved. I wondered perhaps if they felt it might be a burden for them but in no way was I looking to burden anyone but I just simply wanted to chat to people as normal. I found some work colleagues were also very strange around me. I don’t know what the answer is but just wanted to say you’re not the only one who has experienced this

In my experience, those who have not experienced such a loss have no idea what you’re going through and no idea how to respond. They also don’t realise how long the pain lasts for you.
I had nothing off my best friend but had comfort off an acquaintance who I will always be grateful to.
I’m still a bit bothered, 6 years later about my friend’s lack of anything, but I know it was down to not realising how devastating it all is. I was also in that camp myself until Dad died.
Tell them how you are feeling, ask them to check in on you.
I have found that having gone through this, it has given me an insight and better understanding on how to help with my friends who loose loved ones.
I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s painful, shocking and no matter how close you are to anyone else, it’s a very lonely time as the grief is all yours.
I spent a lot of time on the bereavement threads and they gave me a lot of comfort. Posters expressed themselves far better than I could and it was a comfort to read their words and find “my people”.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself in the following months. Xxxx

@Feelingbereftinmanyways I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dear mum and my best friend 6 weeks ago. I thought that I had a nice few friends who had my back. But after the first flush of sympathy messages........... nothing. I know it’s Christmas and they’re busy with their own families but a little text now and again just to let me know that if I need them they’re there for me. But no nothing. Not even my brother, who I’m not really close to but still he’s got his family and I have no one. I’ve sent out a few texts saying hi how are you etc but still nothing. When it was the other way round I was texting and sending flowers and checking up on them! Now I need some TLC theres nothing. I just feel so alone and there’s nothing worse is there Op.

Sorry for your loss.
When my mum died I have three friends sent me flowers and actually that felt a bit weird. I think it’s because I always associate flowers with happy occasions and something to celebrate such as birthdays/ weddings Valentine’s Day etc.
I think it’s really hard for people to know what to do or say because nothing will make it better.

Sorry for your losses Feelingbereftinmanyways. You may not be ‘a baby’, but your 30s is still very young to have lost both your parents.