How to put off overbearing 'friend'

[ExposingCreep]

For much of this year and last year I have had frequent messages from a 'friend' who has been increasingly overbearing and at times weird. At some point this year it clicked that something wasn't right, and I began to reduce contact.

After a period of 4 weeks with only a couple of messages, he texted tonight and asked a question which gave me the impression he is still hoping to meet in person over Christmas or New Year. Even if I tell him that won't be happening - it can't - I have a bad feeling he is going to text a lot over Christmas. How can I put him off without telling him directly I want to enjoy the Christmas period with my family?

Previous thread I posted explains a bit more about him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4036041-Ideas-for-dealing-with-covert-narcissist

I’ve just taken a look at your first thread and my opinion is that you need to block him.

If he is a true narcissist or has sociopathic tendencies then it won’t matter how much you tell him to stop texting over the holidays he just won’t listen. He just wont do it. No matter how firmly or repeatedly I told my ex to stop doing x, y or z he just carried right on doing it.

He sounds a total pain so just get his number blocked and sod the consequences. If your friends are good friends they will respect your decision and not listen to any poison he cares to spew,

I appreciate your advice. I will be muting him at least, the issue is I don't want to be thinking about the consequences during Christmas.

What is the worst thing he is likely to do if you blocked his number?

I really don't know but I'm not sure he is fully aware of himself so he might genuinely be confused.

Oh just block him and have done with it OP. You mentioned in your last thread you only maintained contact to keep another friend onside. But he doesn't speak to the other friend (personally I call BS and say other friend is being diplomatic about the fact they've blocked him too).

Just block him.

Can you show the nice friend how much he messages you? Maybe make a joke out of it so you don’t feel alone in tackling this?

It’s obviously bothering you that he’s not listening to you’re requests or taking the hint you grey rock him.

I’d leave it longer between messages before you even read them let alone message back!

Can you at least block the read receipts

ChristmasTreeFairy - I can see your thinking, but I'm sure that isn't the case. The other friend is the sort of person who wouldn't block anyone unless they were abusive, and I know they still socialise. All good between them it seems.

@BluebellsGreenbells, I have mentioned this to the nice friend, in a casual way, and even said some of the messages were a bit strange, but it doesn't seem to have made much difference.

What consequences could there possibly be? Just block him.

I get boundary-pusher vibes.

I had one of those at work once and they can be so discombobulating that they assume much bigger presence in our lives than they deserve.

No one reasonable expects people to keep up with their texts over the festive period so mute him - at least for a few days.

Then after Christmas, consider just leaving it like that and seeing if there's any fallout.

You're allowed to be annoyed by people and take steps to minimise their intrusion in your life.

His messages sometimes seem weird and he messages too often. It's fine not to continue dealing with that for the rest of your born days.

You are not obliged to politely submit to his attentions.

I don't understand why you keep in contact with him 😕

Please just block him.

He is hijacking your life.

I wouldn’t mention him to your other friends. I have read the other thread - he sounds provocative, manipulative and unhinged.

You would be well rid. If in the unlikely case that your good friend ever asked why you have blocked x or not responded to him - give him something vague - you don’t owe him an explanation either. I doubt it would be the first time such a character has been faded, ghosted, blocked, swerved. Sounds like he either has some triangulated hold over you and your other friendship or you feel some misplaced loyalty to tolerate him for your other friends benefit. You have no obligations to anyone.

This oddball has been yanking your chain for too long. Give yourself a self esteem Christmas gift by confidently removing him from your life with zero guilt. It will be a glorious relief to you.

Sorry if this sounds harsh (I'm struggling to find a way of asking without it seeming so), but do you lack assertiveness to this extent in other areas of your life?

I really struggle to understand these type of dilemmas. It's a text, not a court summons. Just ignore!

@BitOfFun

Sorry if this sounds harsh (I'm struggling to find a way of asking without it seeming so), but do you lack assertiveness to this extent in other areas of your life?

This. OP, you don’t need permission from your mutual friend to block this guy. Why so passive?

If ypu really don't want to block, which it seems you don't want to ( although I would!). Surely covid is a good enough reason not to meet for a fair while.
I mean you aren't solving anything just pushing it fine the road, again..... but at least you get Xmas peace!

I’d just really reduce contact. Let messages go unread for days. Say you’re busy. Ask how they are but then back off again for a few days. Repeat.

Reduce slowly so expectations are down. You’re there when they really need you but you need to make yourself less available. Considerably less available.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I probably do need to be more assertive and less guilty. He has been in touch less in recent weeks so maybe he is beginning to realise.

@PrincessNutNuts You've hit the nail on the head. I said to a friend that the nature and ratio of his messaging was disproportionate to the strength of the friendship from an early stage.

Here let me give you an early Christmas present - a free backbone ;) - block him - if your long term friend doesn't understand if at any point you need to explain - then frankly hes not much of a friend.

Just block him and save the drama. If other friend asks why explain and show the messages.

Update: I received three messages from him either side of Christmas and have failed to reply so far. I muted him a few days before Christmas which meant I saw the first two late.

It's been nice to have a break but I am still trying to work out my longer term plan.

Your long term plan should be simple -

Only read and reply to messages when you feel like it.

You are not under any obligation whatsoever.

Your phone, your life, your rules.

Update: after a brief chat which fizzled out early in January, there was a break for over a fortnight, after which he has made some contact.

He seems to be going through the motions a little bit. I have a strong suspicion is he has similar ongoing chats with at least one other person, and maybe I am just someone to talk to while he waits for his favourites to reply.