Dh being disrespectful of house items

[timeforanewstart]

Just a moan really
My dh just does not look after things his or our joint things
Today he put work bag on the bed and its left a little black mark he said , ive gone to look and its huge black/ grey mark - his bag was actually soaking wet
Not sure what stain is , bag doesn't run but in front pockets lots of pens none have leaked but various pen marks on material so not sure if as its got wet its leaked
Also various batteries or batteey operated bits in there , they look fine no obvious signs and all still work
But to make matters worse rather than remove duvet cover when he see stain he left it and put his other bits on top so now its soaked through to the duvet cover as well
Its just a ling line of things he does and just ignores , our family car he uses is a tip because he carries so much needless stuff around
He just heavy handed with things and breaks them or puts things on things that shouldn't so that it breaks
Its just frustrating as he can't see its a problem , he was working so left the stain in his eyes , 2 mins it would of taken
I have no idea how to treat stain and no way of washing duvet , which is also wet
He is wfh at moment and taken over the whole bedroom and leaves it in a tip , we have nowhere else for him to work and bought a desk but he has even broke. Couple drawers in that where he put so much stuff in
He put his dirty muddy top in middle of pile if my clean washing , stupid things but bloody annoying
I've just had enough

This sounds so frustrating. I also have a heavy handed dh - I have very few plates without chips in them as he practically flings them in the cupboard, frequent glass smashed, uses nice tea towels as a dish cloths - wtf! Also puts pens in pockets which leak, etc etc. He doesn't seem to be able to think of the consequences of his actions and therefore it's an easier life not to think at all. It drives me crazy but I don't know if there's an answer to it.

LTB !!! 🤣🤣🤣

@FippertyGibbett you know what I feel so annoyed today that i actually could ltb for it , over a duvet !!
Instead said duvet is bagged and he can attempt to clean or take to tip and I have just ordered myself a new duvet and duvet set of next and we only have a spare single so he will be cold tonight

Oh and ordered him a nice waterproof work bag for xmas instead of the nicer present I was going to buy , will be practical instead , maybe he might start to learn if it costs and affects the things he wants

I know I'm spectacularly missing the point here but you're binning a duvet and covers rather than telling him to take the duvet to a launderette and wash it? Why?

For the record my duvet is covered in tea stains because I'm clumsy, I hang it over the bannister to dry and wash the covers.

Jesus this would drive me bonkers! It's just so selfish and inconsiderate. Is he Norma caring and thoughtful in other ways or is this an example of other behaviours too?

He sounds like a complete slob. I couldn't live with a man like that.

Very annoying that he’s cost ££ instead of taking care, does he have pots of £ that he can just not worry about breaking/ruining stuff that then needs replaced or fixed?...

I have 2 duvets. One spare or in winter I double them up for extra warmth. However my son very kindly spoilt something on one recent and my 15 year olds needs washed again so there is an outdoor laundrette nearby I just took it bunged them in stuck in dryer and perfect cost me £12 for the 2. I’d do that and wrap in bag and put away for spares, what you do with dh I don’t know, does he have stuff that he does take care of/means a lot to him? You could be a bit heavy handed on his stuff although that’s a bit childish.
It would frustrate me greatly living with that too. My bf is a bit thoughtless in a daft way does silly things but doesn’t break stuff but he’s been told never to wash my clothes.

DH had a terrible attention to detail. For example I am constantly reminding him that he needs to put a bib on DS if he's feeding him something messy, but he often forgets and then of course it's me that has to scrub the stains out!

There is only one possible cure for this sort of behaviour - whether its thoughtless and careless stuff like your DH or a messy cook who leaves a warzone in the kitchen. That is that they clear it all up themselves. Don't facilitate the clear up and don't get involved. Just make him do it all each time. It really is the only way to learn about consequences - make him deal with it entirely on his own, and he won't do it again. Reading this, I realise I make it sound like dog training! ...
So this time, instead of you dealing with the duvet cover, he should have taken responsbilitgy for it It will never happen again if he has the inconvenience and expense of putting it right himself because he will think about it more.

@Aubergina

DH had a terrible attention to detail. For example I am constantly reminding him that he needs to put a bib on DS if he's feeding him something messy, but he often forgets and then of course it's me that has to scrub the stains out!

No you tell your dh to scrub the stains out, pretty sure he'd quickly learn to put the bib on after a few scrubbing sessions.

The only way he'll learn is by making him pay for the damage - replacements shouldn't come out of your money or the joint account - he needs to be paying for them personally

Yup, he needs to encounter some consequences, not have you coming behind him sorting things. He's not a child! You've made a start with the change of Christmas present. It's a shame, but there it is.

Tell him if he makes a mess or is clumsy and breaks things, he needs to step up and put things right again. It's what adults do. If he pleads ignorance, there's google.

Heavy handedness probably can't be helped but putting a middy t-shirt on clean washing knowing how Mom I mean partner would have to sort it out is just rude and is struggle not to think it was deliberate. Putting a wet bag on the he'd and then telling him Mom I mean partner it's left a mess for her to clean is also bloody disrespectful

He didn't necessarily leave it for me to clean he would of done it in his own time , i just took it off and bagged it and he can see if he can clean , but im pretty sure only think it can be is ink, although no pen had leaked he had a lot of ink marks/ stains on one bit of bag and i think where it got so wet ink has leaked through
I am not attempting to clean he can and if successful just means we have a spare duvet as our spare has seen better days , we needed new duvet covers anyway as have 2 seta but one is horrible and all poopers have gone so no waste , but new stuff coming out of his half xmas money given to us,

** poppers
He must of at least felt a little guilty as I had to nip out and he cooked dinner and cleaned up all kitchen by time I got back

He threw dirty clothes on clean clothes and left it there.

That isn't about being a big heavy handed.

My DH is similar and driving me insane too. Has ruined three expensive woks this year by using olive oil in them then using high heat. Won’t hear me tell him not to. Meanwhile, he thought he’d get me a replacement for Christmas.... that suggestion was NOT well-received! He has ruined floors, carpets, wine glasses, sofas, etc... Ooooh! The pre-lit Christmas tree that I saved up for and purchased last year.... I came home to find him pulling the lights off it the day after I had put it up. “Gee, you did a good job with these lights, Luv!” He had run over the cord with the vacuum cleaner and severed it. That would have been a fairly easy fix, but of course, then he had ripped the bloody lights out as well. THEN the tossed thought I’d be congratulating him for vacuuming!!! Strangely, that didn’t happen. He was supposed to replace my tree this year, but never got around to it, because the one we have is “Fine - it still works, doesn’t it?” Ummm, no. It’s shit, and it’s a tangle of dead lights hanging everywhere. His stuff gets looked after, but mine not so much. I need to LTB.

Ok. When he's sat comfortable in the living room, take the offending item and crouch down in front of him and say:
'say, fuck you to me'
He won't
Tell him, showing him the stain, that each time he does shit like this, you hear the words 'fuck you'. Then leave him with the offending item.

If he does say fuck you to you ,tell him to repeat it, over and over first.

Works pretty well on teens also if you get to that stage.

Then when or if he does shit again, just look him dead in the eye and say fuck you.

It's never failed me yet and if it ever did then you rethink your options.

Or grab his car keys, walk him down to his car and scrawl “Fuck you” on the bonnet

YYY to what gamerchick said.

This feels like an over reaction to me. I understand you are annoyed bug to make him sleep without a duvet??

This furs in the category of a but frustrating to me. By all means treat yourself to a new duvet cover set, but to replace the duvet??

• but, first but New phone, sorry

I can see why you are so upset!

But in our family we have a range of people from extremely autistic, very dyspraxic and dyslexic, mildly dyslexic and Nuro typical. Studies have shown this things are linked

I can see from my dad and my dh that all of us on that side of the family are more clumsy and just a bit more messy than they are and getting more so until you get to the autistic person who is tidy again!

So on my opinion he may be annoying but it also may be something he can't quite fix

I know the feeling. Freshly painted wall. Pristine. And then DH comes along and plants his big greasy paw on it