If you have angry child

[Christmasfairy2020]

Hi

I have a child whom is 6. She has speech issues I.e it isnt very clear. Since starting at her school 2 years ago she has constantly hit, pushed, bit other children. This seems to be getting worse so I'm changing her school to a small village school. Anyways today. She had a nice day and in the lunch line she grabbed this girls face and squeezed it. She has a black eye. The other day my child pushed this child and she banged her head on concrete. The mother has said something to me today. I feel terrible. We live in a nice house, no issues. My older child is fine!

So how would you manage this and what punishment would you give.

You can try and talk to her to explain its not acceptable but punishment after the event at this age won't work and it sounds like something else is going on. There are a lot of good books with techniques to help kids manage anger. I would start with school nurse or GP referral as well. They can help you work out if it's a behaviour issue or something else.

Maybe read The Explosive Child
Read The Chimp Paradox for children with your dd. It's quite a fun easy, read.

Strong punishment like loses ipad that day or a trip to park or whatever is most valuable to her and stick to it. Sticker chart for rewards when she has a good hour, afternoon, day. Treat at end of week if enough stickers. Loads of chat about kindness, teaching empathy. Social stories - school could maybe help with this. Talking about emotions and dealing with them.

Tiger has a tantrum is also good and funny pics so will like reading it with you.

Have you sought help from Speech and Language Therapy?

Difficulty in communicating with others can be hugely frustrating and isolating, sometimes lashing out makes people stop and "listen" even if it's not what you wanted to say.

I'd also check with the school whether there are any issues with bullying or making/maintaining friendships.

Is the SENCO involved? They can make SALT referrals and get behaviour plans in place. Sounds stressful, I remember my DS2 lashed out a lot. Teachers were taken aback as his elder brother had been a gentle child. He was diagnosed with ADHD, and now he’s older and has medication he has no issues

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but I’m not surprised your daughter is so angry. It must be incredibly frustrating at her age, any age in fact to not be able to communicate effectively. I feel for her, and you. Rather than thinking of punishments I think you should ask her what is causing this behaviour and then discuss other ways fir her to express her intense frustration. Obviously she needs to know that her behaviour is totally inappropriate and is not to be tolerated. But she also needs lots of help with dealing with this intense frustration. She may have ideas herself which could help. In the meantime I would speedily seek help
From a SALT expert. It really sounds as though she is acting our feelings and whilst she needs to be taught that such is not appropriate I think she needs huge sympathy, understanding and help too and quickly.

What do you mean speech issues? Has she been seen by SALT? Has she been diagnosed with a specific speech disorder or has she been referred for further investigation?

I would focus on her speech, my son has speech issues and gets frustrated when people don’t understand him, especially kids his age who make less of an effort to try and understand him.

I'd be wary of reward charts, they just made my angry child have more tantrums, he got very upset when he just missed a star or had one taken away, he didn't have the maturity or control to stop himself reacting to things so the reward chart was destined to fail, (they have their place for teaching children habits like teeth brushing but not for emotional issues). An immediate reward on the spot when you witness her controlling herself in a triggering situation, praise and a sweetie work better.

Thanks for the comments. She started talking at 4. She talks fluently but sometimes people cannot understand some things she says. Its sp frustrating we live in a nice home, married, no arguments no money problems etc.

I will speak to school nurse monday and ask about referrals etc?
I'll def read the books. No roblox or ipad tonight or tv. She has no friends in this school :( hoping and preying she gets on okay at the next school.

She is under salt whom said she struggles with s sound along with other words and she is under review. She still cannot blend when she is reading. She was under senco but they would not list her on any programmes due to covid and mixing of bubbles. Hopefully she settles in new school. I feel terrible for the other children. When you ask her why she hit the girl today. She said because she shouted at me. But some days she cannot remember and other days it is simply. I wanted to or they was nasty to me.

I'm sorry your daughter is struggling at school. Do you think she has any other underlying needs apart from the speech and language difficulties? I teach infant school aged children and although there are obviously the odd isolated incident your daughter's behaviour does sound out of the norm and not typical. Have you spoken to her teacher and the sendco about her behaviour?

I'd be wary of reward charts, they just made my angry child have more tantrums, he got very upset when he just missed a star or had one taken away, he didn't have the maturity or control to stop himself reacting to things so the reward chart was destined to fail, (they have their place for teaching children habits like teeth brushing but not for emotional issues). An immediate reward on the spot when you witness her controlling herself in a triggering situation, praise and a sweetie work better.

Surely immediate praise and a sticker would be better than a sweetie? The sticker is a reward in itself.

Certainly my understanding of sticker charts are that none are taken away.

I'm unsure about disability. She understands everything and teacher doesnt think any additional needs. She said there is no trigger or warning. If she is doing something and doesnt want to share or someone says something she just retaliates. She even does mindfulnes at bedtime she likes the sleeping dragon. Going to ring school nurse and maybe see if any underlying reason? Also going to read these books!!
Thankyou all

I referred my angry child to a private educational psychologist.

@PinGwyn

Have you sought help from Speech and Language Therapy?

Difficulty in communicating with others can be hugely frustrating and isolating, sometimes lashing out makes people stop and "listen" even if it's not what you wanted to say.

I'd also check with the school whether there are any issues with bullying or making/maintaining friendships.

This. I used to look after a four year old who’d been born with a hare lip and had glue ear — hence his speech was delayed and difficult to understand, it made him frustrated and liable to hit out when other children laughed or just didn’t understand him.

Once he got grommets and caught up on speech, the lashing out calmed down.

@GloGirl did this help what was the outcome x

Back to reward charts/stickers, to clarify, big difference between being given a sticker for being brave at the dentist and having to control a difficult behaviour everyday for a week to earn a comic on Saturday. Far too hard for a small child with anger issues, the disappointment of breaking a good streak or missing a reward due to an off day can cause huge upset and demotivation, immediate rewards kinder and more effective in my experience, nothing wrong with stickers per se, I sometimes used sweets in public as more discreet (and a big treat as they didn't have them at other times). I'm talking about children who aren't yet able to control their temper or express themselves, not children who hit out of learned deliberate naughtiness, reward charts would probably work better for them.
There are reward schemes that involve adding or taking away pebbles or beads from jars, those really upset my child. I tried a few, they didn't suit him at all and caused a lot of stress.
I think this is worth knowing as they can be oversold as a solution but they don't work for every child!

Try Volcano in my tummy. Worth areas and do some of the exercises with her, it’s short and too the point

Thanks everyone.

Ive moved her school to a small church of england school :) so far so good!