Help me I'm cringed

[FeckTheHallz]

Please help on what I can do. This happened this week and still upset and cringe when I think of it. Name changed and some details are altered for anonymity.

I'm a self employed and run parent & child groups, baby massage, sensory etc

I host a morning session in a community centre - carefully spaced out low numbers, everything cleaned all COVID secure & council approved.

A family have been coming nearly 2 years and mum is back to work grandma and grandad bring the little one. I've got to know them really well. My parents aren't here, one deceased and one living a long way from me so limited visits so I call grandma & grandad my local adopted parents!

The grandad now arrives early to help me set up. I like the company and helps me setting up tables & cleaning.

The grandma brings the child when I open at 9;15am this time grandad I'll call him Joe was helping and he said can I have a Christmas hug?

I didn't really want to - COVID and all that so against my better judgment I said ok. I'm wearing a mask and have been sanitising my hands.
He hugs me runs his hands down my back & grabs me tightly squeezing my rear and starts saying this is naughty. Trying to kiss me
I froze I was so upset but just pushed away and didn't say anything I was so shocked. Stupidly I didn't want to cause a scene so I just said I needed to get on.

Started the group as normal and grandma Pat came with the child. Then they all helped my clear away and tidy up.

I feel so upset that I didn't say anything at the time I was genuinely shocked and stunned. I'm so angry at myself for being a wimp. Ironically didn't want to hurt his feelings! I can't stop thinking and cringing about it and now this family who I adored and have shown me so much kindness so much I can't go in here but I felt so close to them and now I can't face them.

I haven't said anything but it's nearly Joes birthday and then the child a few week later. What can I do?
Please be gentle

That's awful, what a creep. I remember cleaning for an old man who did something similar. I didn't say anything at the time as I was shocked and humiliated. I didn't go back.

This isn't an option for you so I hope someone comes along with some good advice.

You need to ban Joe from the group, immediately. He sexually assaulted you, op, and this was in no way your fault. I would tell Joe never to come back, and if he tries, I will be informing the police and his family. If you want to report him to the police anyway you should do so.

Its not your fault..something shocking happened, you froze, and your social conditioning of not making a fuss kicked in.

Now you've had time to think and process you're understandably upset.

I would be inclined to write a letter to the family stating that they are no longer welcome due to his behaviour.

You shouldn't have to put up with harassment at work and his behaviour was totally unacceptable.

This is his fault, not yours, its his job to protect his family, not yours, and you have a right to work and not put up with sexual assault and harassment.

So sorry this happened to you op

Thank you for the kind words. I'm so upset I adored the family and now I'm devastated.
I didn't grow up in the area I've no real family of my own and this was the last thing I expected. I've got gifts for them as well.

Apologies for the title - looks like my phone mangled my words!

Of course you're devastated. This is just so awful. I can't even express how terrible I feel that you've been violated like this. Fucking horrible, disgusting man.

I agree with PPs. Start off by telling him he’s banned and if he kicks up a fuss, call the Police (but make sure you go through with it)

I had a similar incident about 5 years ago and posted about it on here. More than one person suggested my friend's behavior may have been the start of dementia.

I think that's the angle I would take. Contact the daughter (or son, whichever it is you know) and tell them you have concerns for his health because of what happened. It's a gentler way of approaching it than calling the police which means you may be able to keep your friendship with his wife but do say that you can't allow him to return.

In really sorry it's happened to you. I still remember my disbelief and horror. Luckily (!) my friend died not long after so I barely see him since, though I definitely cut down on visits in the meantime which meant his wife missed out. But I had to protect myself.

Oh OP, I am so sorry to hear this. What a vulgar, disgusting creep. Hugs xx

Oh that sounds awful. Don’t blame yourself for freezing, it’s totally normal to do that in the situation. But now you need to act. You’ll have to say he can’t come back. Find a way to word it. And then give yourself a chance to get over the betrayal. It’s a horrible thing to have your trust broken. Not sure about the dementia aspect, I don’t know much about that.

Gross... but
How old is he? Has he done anything mildly like this before? Did anyone else see? Could it be dementia?
Just because someone is elderly, they’re the same person they always were and you don’t have to put up with that behaviour.

You weren’t a wimp, I imagine you were too shocked to say anything.

Please don’t contact his child feigning innocence and pretending you think he’s got dementia as a way to drop him in it. What a ridiculous suggestion

Be a grown up, next time you’re alone with him tell him it’s unacceptable and it’s not to happen again or the repercussions will be huge. Make it clear.

You have my sympathies though, I had similar happen, albeit the man was in his fifties and I was so shocked I didn’t see it coming, I was actually shaking after. I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

How old is he?

God op how absolutely awful of him. So inappropriate. Bless your heart.
These fuckers, they’re everywhere.
Sadly it’s always the ones that are overly familiar. Since I’m jaded and cynical I see this kind of extra friendliness as a huge red flag, but you’re probably a nicer person and that doesn’t mean you could have seen it coming. How disappointing.
Sexual predators love Christmas.

OH OP this is horiffic. I think you have to ban them, and tell them why.

Disgusting behaviour from Joe. Absolutely vile.
Am sorry to say this OP however as a side note I don't think 'adopting' these people was very professional on your part.

And by extra friendliness I don’t mean his wandering hands obviously because that’s sexual assault. I’m referring to his hanging around early helping you do stuff.

It’s true it isn’t professional. You should try and run your business without volunteers/ hangers on etc.
So many times I’ve been to groups like these with toddlers in the past and been weirded out by hanger onners just like Joe, ‘helping’ yet not subject to the usual vetting required of play settings.

Buzz you're starting to veer into victim blaming territory now.

This is NOT your fault.

You did not lead him on.

You accepted friendship and friendliness.

He abused his position, he attacked you.

Ban him, let him explain to his wife and daughter why he is banned.

And consider reporting this to the police.

Hope you can find peace in the coming days, this is not your fault.

A similar thing happened to me some years ago. I was working in a hotel which had a basement office that you accessed from outside. One of the male guests - aged somewhere between 55 and 66 I would estimate, followed me into the office and I can't quite remember how the 'hug' came about, but the hug was followed by a buttock squeeze with both hands. I too froze. He moved away and said "Just my little joke" and then went back out and round to the pool to rejoin his wife. Who, incidentally, was lovely.

I think that was part of the problem - I'd got on well with them as a couple and hadn't realised that he had other ideas.

Anyway - I reported it to my manager, but nothing was done - the couple left a few days later, and the hotel wasn't in the UK.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. I would do what a previous poster has said, and tell the daughter, going down the route of suggesting you're worried it might be early dementia, but that you really can't have him back. They'll have to find another baby group to join. Such a shame, but you can't put yourself at risk. Make sure you keep the doors locked when you're setting up alone in future.

I would be concerned whether he was safe around young children, so I think you are duty bound to do something.

i honestly have no idea how you can deal with this without the friendship detonated

Without the friendship detonating.

No not victim blaming. But when you work in a setting with small children the parameters of professionalism change due to your safeguarding responsibilities. So it probably isn’t the best to have people ‘help’ you set up unless they’re paid and vetted employed workers.

What has that got to do with someone putting out tables before class and sexually assaulting the op?

Oh I fucking hate this. You act like a decent human being towards some men and they think it's a green light for all sorts then you are left feeling awful and having to deal with the fall out.

I would agree with asking the daughter saying you are concerned about dementia but that he isn't allowed to come back

Well because he is a sexual predator edging his way in to a setting where young children are present under the guise of being a ‘helper’ and then a ‘friend’ and honorary grandparent of the boss. Precisely because he’s just a jolly old helper, he feels he can cross boundaries. If he was an employee you’d sack him on the spot and he’d likely not find another job.