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Original poster

How do I tell the kids

23 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 15/12/2020 19:15

Me and h have definitely decided to separate and will be divorcing. He had an affair, which is over now (apparently, but likely) but he says he cant see how we can carry on after it. I agree and dont want to be with him si we need to have the conversation with the kids, 8 and 10. Please help me. I dont want to tell them about the affair obviously but I want them to know it has come from him and not me. Before his affair everything was great between us so it will be a total shock to them as we were very happy.

OP posts:

MaMaD1990 · 15/12/2020 19:31

Sorry to hear this OP, it must be a really tough time for you.

First off I definitely wouldn't say 'its come from him'. This is going to cause so much resentment and anger in your children towards him and could be perceived as you using them as a weapon to 'get back' at him. Please be dignified in this.

Tell the children that mummy and daddy aren't getting along anymore and have decided its better for the family unit that you don't live with eachother anymore. Explain how much you love them, that it is not their fault and that although things will be different it won't change how much you both love them. Ask how they feel, if they have questions (expect why?) and what you can both do to make this easier on them.

I hope it goes ok for you both

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2020 21:29

Good advice from the pp.

I would also mention it to the school so they can keep an eye on the dc.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2020 21:30

It might be good to be able to tell them specifics about where they will be living and when they will see the other parent.

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Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/12/2020 14:15

Thanks. I just know they will ask why and I dont want to lie to them. I dont want to get back at their dad it's done and I've accepted that. I just want them to know the truth so they understand.

OP posts:

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 16/12/2020 14:19

I think you need to do your best to not implicate their father, as unfair as that may both feel and as difficult as it is to do. They don't need the additional pain of it being implied that one parent wants it and the other doesn't. You need to be clear that it's something you both want, both are onboard with, both are ok about. That lets the kids focus on their own emotions (rather than yours) and start to accept the new situation.

Branleuse · 16/12/2020 14:25

I would be careful not to appoint blame at this stage.
Kids. Ive got something important to talk about. Your dad and I have decided that it would be best if we live in different houses. None of it is your fault and both of us love you very much and we are going to do everything we can to keep things as normal as possible and youll still live here with me and youll still see daddy lots when he has a new place sorted. This is something that sometimes happens with grown ups. Probably lots of your friends also have mums and dads that live seperatly. It will all be ok.

Daisy829 · 16/12/2020 14:30

I think there’s some good advice here although I’m not sure about telling the kids it’s not their fault...only since I’ve watched bad moms & when they say this to the child because they are getting divorced the child replies with “why would it be my fault”. I realise this film is a comedy but actually, it did make me think.

Itstheprinciple · 16/12/2020 14:33

Are you going to tell them just before Christmas?

ReeseWitherfork · 16/12/2020 14:39

I was 11 when parents divorced. I knew far too many details at a young age. I'd keep it vague but answer questions as honestly as you can. They have a lifetime to seek the details when they're old enough to understand them (should they want to).

ReeseWitherfork · 16/12/2020 14:42

And probably to add to my response...

My mum had an affair and I definitely didn't need to know. It didn't matter. I wish I hadn't known that at such a young age. It was hard to understand that my mum had cheated on my dad, not our entire family, because that's how it felt.

Playing the blame game is awful. I can see why you'd want to do it, but as someone who saw it first hand, it hurt and it was confusing.

ReeseWitherfork · 16/12/2020 14:43

@Daisy829

I had some of this. Also "we both still love you". I recall wanting to shout something along the lines of "of course you bloody do! Why is that even a question?"

Fredelliottisayfredelliott · 16/12/2020 14:59

Can you wait till after Christmas? Let them have that at least. My parents divorced when I was similar age, I dont remember what we were told but the one thing I would urge you to do is not blame eachother. Dont make him the bad guy to your kids. My mother did this and honestly it only turned me against her. Lots of good advice above, keep it simple, mammy and daddy have decided we dont want to be married anymore , we are still a family etc. I also agree with not saying to them " it's not your fault" . That would make me question if it's my fault, iyswim! If you can keep things as amicable as possible that's best for the kids. All the best

Barmyfarmy · 16/12/2020 15:21

OP I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you come out of it okay.

I'd consider how it would effect Christmas, if H is going to leave before xmas, tell them soon, if he's leaving after, tell them after christmas. You really don't want to point a finger (although I know it's unfair to you, but when they're older they will likely find out and understand. but right now they need to be kept as stable as possible and anger won't help). Try to keep Christmas normal and stable if he is there, if he isn't perhaps let the kids do whatever they want and keep them happy. Don't try to start new traditions or go over the top to keep it fun, keep that for next year when you'll be more settled and ready for new traditions for the 3 of you.

As PPs have said, focus on them, not you. Tell them what it means for them (i.e. where they'll live, who they see etc), relate it to their friends or maybe even a character if you can think of one. The children need it to be age appropriate so don't use big language like divorce or splitting up. Make it as though you and H are like friends who don't like being friends anymore as your DC may understand this more.

Prepare for questions. Why? Because Mummy and Daddy think we'll all be happier if Daddy moves to a different house. What happened? Mummy and Daddy have fallen out.

It sounds twee but it needs to be soft and kind so your children aren't afraid of the change. Remind them that their family are still around and they still go to school as normal and focus on what won't change whilst discussing what will.

Good luck OP

Gatehouse77 · 16/12/2020 16:03

You don’t have to lie but you can say it’s private and between you and your husband. DH and I separated for a while and that was our thinking. We were more keen to stress that it wasn’t about them, how we would continue to parent together and acknowledge their feelings. Our youngest was the one who probed the most and we both reiterated our original words.
We’re back together (it wasn’t an affair) and youngest will still ask occasionally. They do know some of it was about how he managed his mental health because of discussions we’ve had since. (And our eldest has had MH issues so it’s been part of open conversations on MH in general.)

MaMaD1990 · 16/12/2020 16:25

It must be an incredibly hard thing to have to deal with and I would hate sitting there explaining to my kids about a divorce without telling them they're father caused it. But whilst they are so young, it wouldn't be fair to them do deal with that, even if you didn't mention the affair. Has your husband expressed how he would like to tell them? Have you talked about doing it together? I was suggest if they ask why its happening, you say something like "mummy and daddy fell out of love and aren't happy anymore". Be as honest as you can without blaming i suppose is what I'm trying to say.

Userengage · 16/12/2020 16:27

Our children were the same age when we separated and H & I made sure that we told them that it was a joint decision. Don’t give your children a reason to dislike their father, it’s underhand, unfair and could work to your disadvantage. It also makes them feel insecure as they will feel like he is leaving them rather their parents splitting. Don’t make them take sides as that is what it sounds like.

MaMaD1990 · 16/12/2020 16:31

@Barmyfarmy - fabulous advice.

Daisy829 · 16/12/2020 16:52

@ReeseWitherfork your experience of divorced parents sounds similar to mine. My mum still goes on about my dads affairs over 30 years later! Somehow I’ve managed to compartmentalise a lot of stuff but they both behaved badly during the split.
Op if I can give you any advice, as hurt as you may be please try to keep it civil in front of the children. Wishing you lots of luck x

ReeseWitherfork · 16/12/2020 17:06

[quote Daisy829]@ReeseWitherfork your experience of divorced parents sounds similar to mine. My mum still goes on about my dads affairs over 30 years later! Somehow I’ve managed to compartmentalise a lot of stuff but they both behaved badly during the split.
Op if I can give you any advice, as hurt as you may be please try to keep it civil in front of the children. Wishing you lots of luck x[/quote]
My parents have got very lost over the years with what was the truth, what was a dramatised retelling of a scenario and what was an outright lie to try and make the other look bad. It was a bloody farce! "Compartmentalise" is a good word for how I've coped too.

copperoliver · 16/12/2020 17:37

Can you wait until after Christmas just so it doesn't spoil it for them.?
Afterward I'd say daddy will be leaving us he wants to live in a different house but he still loves you very much and will still come to see you. X

Branleuse · 17/12/2020 21:07

the reason I think its important to tell them that its not their fault and that you both still love them, is because in therapy this is actually a really common way for children to interpret their parents divorce.
Its surely better to state the obvious unecessarily than it is for children to potentially feel like there was something they could have done better

Branleuse · 17/12/2020 21:07

yeah and definitely dont tell the details

Fudgsicles · 17/12/2020 21:51

They do not need the truth. They are young and need protecting as much as possible from the upheaval that's about to happen. I think you want to not be seen as the 'bad' guy. This is in your interest not theirs.

When I wanted to end my marriage but exH didn't, we told the DCs that it was both of us who didn't want to be together anymore. They didn't need any further details about adult lives and any reasons behind it. Mine were around the same age as yours.

We sat them down together and explained that we were not happy and didn't want to be married to each other anymore. We told them it was nothing they did (I think they asked) and explained what would happen and when. So the agreed time ex was moving out, where they would live, what days they would be with which parent. That way they were kept in the loop about the actual changes but there was no reason for them to know more than that.

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