How to not give people headspace?

[ImGoingToBeOverIt2021]

I spend way too much time giving several people headspace and it is affecting my life.

For example, yesterday I set my alarm for an important early morning thing we had to do. The alarm went off, I thought 10 more minutes snooze and lay there thinking about the 4 people who take up my headspace. Then I looked at the alarm thinking 10 mins had gone by and actually 1 hour 15 had zoomed past and we missed our appointment. The rest of my morning was ruined mopping up this mess.

The 4 people I give too much headspace to are: MIL/SIL/Step-Sister and friend I fell out with very badly a few months ago. It's people I can't really cut from my life.

I spend a good deal of my day feeling resentful and angry about things they have done to me in the past, things that are going on in the present, and dreaming of karma. I can't carry on like this. I have other things to do. I find that whenever I am thinking about them, something happens like I drop something, forget something or I am late as I am not concentrating on what I am doing.

Are there any strategies, counseling techniques to stop this?

3 suggestions, probably not great but here goes:

1. Always put your alarm on 'snooze' until you actually get up, don't ever just turn it off
2. Every time you find yourselves thinking about them force yourself to think of something else instead.
3. Let your other half manage interactions with in-laws as much as possible, make up or drop the friend.

You allow yourself to have 10 mind thinking about them at a set time of your choosing when it is convenient for you. The rest of time, you don't let yourself even peep down the rabbit hole.

Actual counselling. I talked about my parents for a few months and got it out my systen. Trying to suppress it and push it down hadnt worked. But opening it up, feeling the grief and sharing it with an amazing counsellor has got them out of ky head for the most part. I get occasional triggees, but they arent sat in my head all the time like they were.

I also like that 10min to thinking about x idea too.

I once had terrible problems with a next door neighbour and it completely changed the way I thought about other people.

What I would like to have been able to do is justify myself to other people. Other people on the street, various professionals that were involved, the police etc. I would have liked everybody to listen to my side and then realise that I was right and they were wrong!

But I couldn't and so I had to come to terms with the fact that some people in the world had an opinion of me that wasn't true, that was fabricated by someone else.

I spent hours thinking what I could have said to so-and-so and then they would see....whatever. I also imagined what I could say to the neighbours in various scenarios. It did take over.

None of it was helpful and none of it was realistic. These people were never ever going to change because of anything I said and did.

You can only change yourself.

Or allocate time when you can think about them. I sorted out several relationships - in my head - while running. The fury that I felt drove me on and, bonus, I got much fitter - so if you can find a way to harness all those feelings, do.

It sounds like you have intrusive thoughts. Counselling or CBT may help.
Don't engage with your IL - let your DP do it

Forgive them all. It doesn't need to change your truth or your relationship/feelings to them.

As long as you don't forgive them you are carrying that weight. Draw a line under the past, forgive, move on. You pay no price for this, nothing will actually change, it's literally in every sense in the past anyway.

Keep your opinions and decisions, I'm not asking you to suddenly apologise or even talk to them, you can do it all in your head, but once you've successfully forgiven them you can move on.

No it's not easy to do and might take a few attempts, but those close and dear to you would like you in the present not the past, they want your attention and you can't give it to them like this.

I have suffered badly from intrusive thoughts and know how draining it can be.

I agree with finding space to talk about it properly.

It’s fair to say that I have fewer triggers these days as I have no interaction with my difficult people any more, but there is a phrase I heard on here - “it’s ok to look at the past but don’t stare”, which helpfully pops into my head when I start ruminating.

Look up Mel Robins and holistic psychologist on Facebook. For me, I was doing this because it filled a (damaged) need in myself. I’ve had a couple of years face to face counselling in the past and then recently the holistic psychologists posts about “emotion addiction” and “mental resistance” really resonated with me. Still a long way to go but the “ever rolling thoughts” are taking up less of my day now.

When the thoughts come, blow the thoughts into a balloon (imaginary) and let it go.

I also use an imaginary baseball bat to Wack more persistent thoughts into yonder forest where they often get lost and take some time to find their way back.

Remember these are your thoughts and are about you, not these people. So you can deal with them.

I imagine I'm a kind but firm aunt in these situations. Do when I notice my thoughts going over an old memory a say to myself 'Now then Hotwaterbottle, that wasn't a pleasant situation. It hurt you. Will sitting in it for longer increase the pain or help ease the pain? You decide.' if I decide I need a little longer I imagine she comes back after 10 minutes and says 'Thats quite enough now, time for some other thoughts.'

It works for me.

It sounds awful and I think that many of us are ruminating on unhappy situations. I honestly think that the best way forward is to force yourself into making this moment and the next as positive as possible, while thinking happy things. I have been viciously removed from what I believed was a really close circle of friends which included my daughter, who after a surprise visit this week has disowned me. I had a horrific and traumatic event occur about 2 years ago and it has plunged me into depression and negativity. It has ruined my life, I am waiting for therapy but people have got sick of my oversharing etc. The NHS is overburdened of course but the lack of proper help has really affected me. People can be so cruel.

I am sorry if I have hijacked your thread but I feel for you so much. I am trying to put my brain on autopilot and just do as much as I can to create good memories for Christmas and then I will have happy things to remember. It helps hugely. Be well and remember that if you keep thinking about it then further damage will be done to you. You deserve to feel better . I have sent you some virtual gifts to get you through the day.

Phoenixrising, I’m so sorry for what you are going through, sending hugs to you xxx

Thanks Beef, it has been rough. Thank you for the hugs 🙂.