Name change alert! I'm on here all the time but thought I'd name change for this.
I don't know if this is an AIBU a WWYD or just a handhold. But my brother has stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer (a recurrence from the original stage 3 PC 3 years ago, for which he'd undergone Whipples and chemo. Suffice to say, it's been a tough 3 years, for him and his wife above all). My brother and I, despite being geographically far, have always been incredibly close. I love his wife. They've been together for 22 years, 3 kids. I've always felt secretly a bit sad that my love for my SIL is a bit one-sided. I've always given gifts at Christmas and birthday and tried reaching out to her, cautiously, without being overbearing. My family is overbearing and invasive. I've made a huge effort to not be that person. She usually never responds... maybe once every couple of years I hear from her. She's kept a big distance between us and I understand completely. My brother and I come from a very dysfunctional family where our eldest sibling is a drug addict/sociopath/golden child (believe me, it's possible for the bad egg to be totally hero-worshipped) who, up close, can really damage relationships between people. He has been very threatening, frightening, and dangerous in the past. He got out of prison last year. He is, for lack of a better way of putting it, a bad egg.
One of the reasons- THE reason I moved abroad was to have a peaceful, quiet life away from the constant shit storm that our eldest sibling is guaranteed to deliver.
My lovely brother with cancer has done the same- kept his family a safe and healthy distance from our addicted brother and enabling mother. Meanwhile, the two of us have remained close- emailing, texting, calling, face-timing. I don't visit often, but when I do, it's to see my brother, his wife, and kids. My SIL is always so kind but very, very much in the background. She is really lovely to us but has no interest in us. I get it, I really do. And for years, I've accepted this. I think, in her view, a big distance from us all is a healthy thing. That way she gets tangled up in nothing and can just focus on her own family; my brother and their kids. Sometimes I have felt sad about this, felt sad that I'm lumped in with the congenital mess I am of and there's no escaping that fact. She must know though how much I keep myself to myself and that I have done exactly the same as she and my brother have done; formed my own safe haven for myself and for my husband and kids, far from the madding crowd that is my extended family.
As my brother faces certain death, for lack of a better way of putting it, my bereavement has already kicked in, to the point of being pathologically crippling. And I realised today that what I am dreading the most is being totally cut off from their lives once my brother goes. I really fear this. I've made it such a point of being noninvasive, to be a giver of support on their watch so as to avoid looking overly keen to be an invasive part of their lives. I've felt like I'm walking on eggshells a bit because I've been afraid of scaring my SIL away. My family can be such hard work. I don't want to be of that number. But it's like I've had to do nothing to scare her away. Just existing and being part of the overbearing family I am of has just given her good enough reason to have her hackles up. I don't blame her. But I feel so sad about it.
I've helped out in every way possible with treatment (their insurance back home in the States doesn't cover everything). And I'm not alone. They have an army of great friends and neighbours who've helped out. I'm part of this collective love for my amazing brother. It really keeps me going, knowing that they are literally drowning in love and support. It is the greatest blessing and it's a true testament to how wonderful my brother is. He's a very loved person and with good reason.
Still, my SIL has kept me at such arm's distance that I worry our relationship will have no meaning without my brother in it. I wonder why she hasn't learned to trust me over the years, when all I've shown is quiet compassion. I've made it a point to be as noninvasive as possible, showing love and support through actions without invading their space or offering opinions or advice. One time in the past 3 years, I did offer advice! When my brother was considered a candidate for the Whipples procedure, DH, who is a GP, gave me the name of a renowned surgeon in my brother's area who performed these surgeries routinely. I passed on the 'business card' to my brother and my SIL wrote me a long email telling me, "I'm going to send the same email to you as I am sending to all of your family members," which was basically a 'sod off with your input' email. It hurt. But I got it in one. I thought, "Great. My family's been at it with their invasive, overbearing stuff and I'm lumped in with them because I've done the same." It was the one time in years I dared stick a toe in the water and I learned quickly that no matter how hard I try to prove I am not 'one of them', in my SIL's eyes, I am.
I keep thinking about how, when I lose my brother, I'll lose more than that. I'll lose my lifeline to him: his family. I'm almost prepping myself for this. And I don't know how to deal with it.
Has anyone 'been there, done that, got the t-shirt'? And how did you accommodate this part of your grief?
Thanks for reading my very long post!