How to explain pet's death to a three year old?

[AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings]

We lost our beloved (very, very old) cat this morning. Our two, almost three year old, found his body.

I've tried to explain to her that he was very old and died and that means he won't be coming back etc. Avoiding euphemisms like 'he's gone to sleep' etc

But do I show her his body to help her process it? And to realise what 'dead' means?

I don't want to scare her or upset her.

I've read as much as I can about death of a pet + three year old (in the last half hour) but it doesn't cover the seeing the body part.

No idea about the body... trust your judgement I guess.
Try Goodbye Mog to help understanding. It is a lovely book. Sorry for your loss.

I think honesty is best , I would show the body . They will accept it better IME .. when my cat died we were all there to say goodbye and they just accepted it . Easier when they lose a human later on in life .

You could have a little cat funeral in your garden?
Do you have a compost bin?
Explain the cat will turn into nice soil for the flowers to grow?

My 2 and a half year old knows about death. We found a dead bird and i told her that it died. It's soul has gone to heaven. She asked if it would come back and i said no. It's an angel flying in the sky. Simples!

Watching this with interest. I've not been in this position but it is an inevitability of having pets/ older family members.
I'm going to avoid referring to is as "going to sleep" because I'm worried about them becoming scared of going to sleep in case they die.
I'd probably stick with a simple "they've died and that means we won't be able to see them anymore. We can still remember them, talk about them and love them though"

If you get Goodbye Mog, make sure you read it first....I was in tears the first time I read it!

@LunaLula83

My 2 and a half year old knows about death. We found a dead bird and i told her that it died. It's soul has gone to heaven. She asked if it would come back and i said no. It's an angel flying in the sky. Simples!

The reason why it was 'simples' is because you found a dead bird in the garden - you didn't have a pre-existing relationship with the bird. It didn't live in your house etc so you didn't have to explain that it wasn't coming back.

We've had dead mice, mice that have (sadly) died during us trying to rescue them from the cats, seen dead foxes on the side of the road etc. and it's been easy to explain them as dead, as she'd never known them as anything else. Or didn't really care because they didn't feature in her life.

I've bought the Mog book (am going to be traumatised, I know) but have decided against showing her the body. I think it might be overthinking things a bit too much.

I'm wondering how much she'll care about it tbh. They were inseparable until today, but she's not even three and just takes stuff in her stride.

We lost another cat at the start of the year and she forgot about him instantly. Like actually forgot we'd ever had another cat.

She's brought it up a few times today and we're just going to keep explaining that he's dead and that means he can't come back and we can't see him again. And it's ok to be sad and miss him if you do because we all loved him very much etc.

I can tell she's processing this new experience because she killed off her Emily Elephant figure earlier today and has left her 'dead' on the table, and none of the other Peppa Pig toys are allowed to speak to her any more.

@Camomila

You could have a little cat funeral in your garden? Do you have a compost bin? Explain the cat will turn into nice soil for the flowers to grow?

We're going to get him cremated tomorrow- I think any sort of ceremony would go over her head, but she'd enjoy the burial so much that she'd want to do it daily.

We walked through a cemetery today (coincidentally) and we explained that the graves were little gardens for people who were dead, and we'd make a garden for the cat one day etc

Then we watched Moana later on and I got a bit overexcited when the Gran died because that helped explain my point.

I think she thinks he's just at the 'cat doctor' and will be back soon, due to us poorly explaining where his body has gone.

The most tragic part of this (apart from our extremely beloved pet dying) was that he died quite close to the Elf on the Shelf. So when we went downstairs to see what the naughty elf had done this morning, it looked like he'd massacred the cat.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Watching this with interest. I've not been in this position but it is an inevitability of having pets/ older family members. I'm going to avoid referring to is as "going to sleep" because I'm worried about them becoming scared of going to sleep in case they die. I'd probably stick with a simple "they've died and that means we won't be able to see them anymore. We can still remember them, talk about them and love them though"

That's basically exactly what we're trying.

She doesn't sleep as it is, without me introducing the possibility that she might not wake up

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lively cat OP The 'simples' comment was def not called for. Obviously this is very upsetting for you and far from simple, the loss of a pet can be devastating. That being said children of your DD's age can be quite matter of fact, even blasé about death so don't be surprised if she isn't very upset or doesn't ask about the cat very much or conversely keeps asking where s/he is, it's absolutely normal and although you have explained it very well to her, 2-3 year olds lack the cognitive understanding and emotional maturity to really 'grieve'. They just can't really empathise or grasp the finality of death, which can be a blessing as they don't tend to get as upset as older children might but can also make them seem a bit heartless, even after the death of a much loved pet or even family member. Why you've done so far sounds perfect, don't worry about showing her the body or a funeral etc unless you want to do those things for yourself. Take care of yourself though OP, let yourself be as upset as you like, your own feelings are important here just as much as your DD's.

My daughter was the same age when my pony died - she adored him (as did I having had him for 28 years!) I explained it as he'd Gone over the rainbow bridge and he was in the sky watching (short version). She understood and still talks about him.

The funniest one was when there was a thunderstorm earlier this year, around 3 or 4 months after he'd died; out of nowhere she announced it was naughty "pony" in the sky pushing rocks down a hill. Tbf he was a very naughty pony!

A child will take death absolutely in their stride, be that a pet or a relative until they start truly processing the ideas of relationships and time. (Usually comes around 4-5 in its simplest form) Even if that relationship has been an important one.

(unless the primary carers make a big thing out of it, this is why it's important to be honest and factual, keep it simple, and then get on with things)

@AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings

We walked through a cemetery today (coincidentally) and we explained that the graves were little gardens for people who were dead, and we'd make a garden for the cat one day etc

Then we watched Moana later on and I got a bit overexcited when the Gran died because that helped explain my point.

I think she thinks he's just at the 'cat doctor' and will be back soon, due to us poorly explaining where his body has gone.

The most tragic part of this (apart from our extremely beloved pet dying) was that he died quite close to the Elf on the Shelf. So when we went downstairs to see what the naughty elf had done this morning, it looked like he'd massacred the cat.

Sorry, cross posted. It's very normal for children this age to keep asking where the loved one/pet has gone after death, or to keep looking for them, even if you have explained they've died/gone to heaven/however you've explained it. As I understand it's its because children this age don't have a great understanding of the passage of time, so while they can understand 'gone away' /not here now/not coming back now/not coming back tomorrow, they struggle with the idea of 'gone forever' because 'forever' is just too far into the future for their brains to compute! Don't worry if so, just keep gently reminding her and she will understand after a while...

Crossed with maxelly, who explains it perfectly.

Sorry about your cat, OP

This article is interesting. At not quite 3 your DD is unlikely to grasp the permanence of the cat’s death, so she might appear to expect him to come back. (Their cheeriness in the face of loss can be both hurtful & heartening.)

www.nationalgeographic.com/science/phenomena/2013/07/26/when-do-kids-understand-death/

Sorry, how upsetting for you and your DC. I think you did the right thing by just saying the cat had died. Hopefully your DC will process it in their own head as time goes on.