Senior “career” women and baby age gap

[LuckyA]

Those of you in senior roles and going back to work FT, can I please ask what was your age gap between babies and would you recommend?
DD1 is 6 months and I’m thinking it may be better for my career to have another soon (obviously in an ideal world if I conceive quickly). We have always wanted 2 or 3 kids. DH is also in a senior FT role and we will be relying on childcare and both chipping in at home.
I have gone back to work FT now but I have flex in my role so has worked out OK so far. We are thinking it may be less damaging to my career to get all the baby days over and done with quickly but don’t know if I’ve lost the plot by considering 2 under 18sh months or 3 under 3. Has anybody been in this situation who can offer any wisdom and what effect on their career it had?

I would leave a bigger gap to be honest, more time to see the reality of mobile children and how much DH is sharing the load.
I have 3 years between DC but also moved companies between DC.

I don't think you'll fare very well with small age gaps (especially if you have 3) if you want to maintain your place in your career. I'd think quite the opposite and that your career would take a battering.

Depends where you work. Is it a place where technology moves on quickly and missing a lot of time would significantly disadvantage you? Would you still have the experience and knowledge base that you’d presumably need to take up a role at a higher grade? How do they decide who goes up? What’s their track record like for women and promotion?

Or is it somewhere that nothing really changes and you could fit right back into your old spot after mat leave each time no bother?

Thanks for the replies. @Elieza my role is fast moving as is the company. Taking 1 year out will mean the ethos of the company would have changed a lot as well as my role. This also means it’s hard to switch off fully from work for a few days so PT is not an option. Its an excellent job and I love it, great team, and I am on the path to move into a very senior role over the next few years

The only couples I know personally who have done that have used nannies for childcare. It falls apart when the nanny is sick but they have less problems with sick children.

The main issue you are going to have when the kids are school age but you will have that regardless of age gap.

Personally get the senior role work in it for about a year then get pregnant if you can.

I would get them over fast. They women I know whose careers have recovered were pregnant when they went back after their first mat leave.

If you both work full time and have more than 1 - it is hard! Who picks up the home slack? You’d need a cleaner, food deliveries etc to ensure you stay on top of things. Kids get sick too, are you ok to share that time off? The more you have the more work it is. My DH has a full on job so I had to go PT (after number 2 - my choice) but in no way could I be the parent and colleague I wanted by trying to do it all. Something had to give. PT us hard in a senior role but I didn’t want to miss out at home either.
Sacrifices gave to be made and you have to both choose what that is.
I have a big age gap and it’s a god send - but everyone is different! I liked really being back in a routine and with it work wise before thinking of number 2 - plus I wanted to be able to manage 2 with less stress.
Good luck whatever you decide! I like the quote “you can have anything you want if you are willing to sacrifice anything for it” fundamentally it’s all about balance.

It's a myth that there is a good age gap to benefit a career. All depends on your precise circumstances eg projects you're working on, how your first copes with the second, difference in sleep patterns between your first and second etc. You can plan the 'right' age gap and then something changes at work (new boss, team changes, redundancies, projects) that make all those decisions redundant. So just choose the best gap for your family.

I have a five year gap (not through choice). I went back ft at 8 months with my first and progressed a lot career wise between them. I had 11 months off with the second and it’s not been an issue but mainly because I had an awful person doing my mat leave so they were so happy to have me back!

I think only you will know the ins and outs of your company and be able to make that decision. Be aware it’s not always a choice though. Took us forever to conceive our second, so anything you ‘plan’ can’t be set in stone, you need to be flexible.

17 month age gap here as we had this same logic. It has been hard but it is all that we know...

Have a 2.5 year age gap here. I took 11 months off with my first and then was back working full time for 18 months before my second mat leave which was good - I got promoted in that time. I’ve just started second mat leave and plan to take 10/11 months off again. We only want 2 so I’m done now and have made this known at work. We had a nanny for DC1 and will get one again when I’m back. DH works 4 days so had a day with DC1 and will hopefully do the same with both.

@LuckyA

Those of you in senior roles and going back to work FT, can I please ask what was your age gap between babies and would you recommend? DD1 is 6 months and I’m thinking it may be better for my career to have another soon (obviously in an ideal world if I conceive quickly). We have always wanted 2 or 3 kids. DH is also in a senior FT role and we will be relying on childcare and both chipping in at home. I have gone back to work FT now but I have flex in my role so has worked out OK so far. We are thinking it may be less damaging to my career to get all the baby days over and done with quickly but don’t know if I’ve lost the plot by considering 2 under 18sh months or 3 under 3. Has anybody been in this situation who can offer any wisdom and what effect on their career it had?

Depends on your age and circumstances really. There is no right or wrong answer here. I know many senior career women who had their first at 40, second at 41-45 and all felt positive. I had my first at 39 and will probably wait until nearly 41 before ttc my next one but I have fertility problems that need to be sorted out first.

I had 2 under 2, and ended up taking 5 years out. Went back into the same level and progressed from there.

I don’t know how families manage two full time roles though. I do 4 days, which are flexible, but constantly chasing my tail at home. Kids take up a lot of time - play dates, school stuff, activities etc. The free day and flexibility helps a lot.

I have 2 , nearly 10 years apart. We'd planned on 5 years but had some problems and I changed jobs which also complicated things. I'm a solicitor and that gap was great for my career. My first was born when I was only 1 year qualified. I had to go back FT quick so as not to lose momentum.

In the intervening years I was able to work my way up to Senior Associate and a really decent salary before having #2. I went back FT when she was nearly 6 months. Apart from before and after school club it meant we only had childcare to pay for youngest. That shifted again after a couple of years when eldest went to secondary. It also helped that he was fairly self sufficient and could help out a bit (I didn't expect him to do a lot). I think working FT and having a baby and a toddler would have been much different (harder). Overall I found being a WOH parent much easier the second time. The infrastructure and my confidence was all in place and my seniority at work meant I was more in charge of my own diary and being able to leave early/wfh when it suited me.

When my youngest was 3 I went for, and got, partnership.

A 10 year gap isn't for everyone but it worked out so well for our family.

I just have a standard job but my NCT friends all have careers - all had a 2.5/3.5 year age gap, it meant that by the time the 2nd was in childcare the eldest was either on 30 free hours or reception.

(I had 3.10 year gap, DS1 is in Reception and DS2 will start nursery in February).

Baby is 2 months and I'm off until next august. I'm actively pursuing promotion while off and once back, if I get it, I'll do a year in role before trying for number 2. If it happens quickly, that'll be two years in role before mat leave of 10 months then back for another 2-3 years. So age gap of around 3 years between 1 and 2.

Mine are about 2 and half years between each (each 3 school years apart).
However, when I had my dc, we had 3 months maternity leave, not a year. I think the issue is, if you have 3 dc in 3 years, and take the full year, then you are out of your workplace for 3 years. From your work place's pov (and also yours in terms of "keeping up") that is huge.

I would be wary of almost back to back maternity leaves. It leaves space for others to muscle into your area, you're out of the office for too long, new people won't know who you are, you'll miss out on interesting projects that start in that period.

We have a 2.5 gap x 2 (3 DC) and thats worked well for us. Let me get back in, re establish myself, get promoted. I also took shorter maternity leaves of between 7-10 months depending.

I would also add that for us a nanny was absolutely essential. We tried nursery and it was very stressful and inflexible.

Thank you all so much for your advice. @orishan you make such valuable points that so many circumstances are outside of my control. It’s a good reminder for me that I can’t control every potential scenario and will have to go with the flow too. TTC could take us a while for all we know.
We have a full time nanny, part time housekeeper and cleaner and my mum comes every day to pick up other home related activities (food shop/cooking etc) so we are incredibly lucky and that enables my DH and I to both work FT. I should also add I have a lot of flex in my job so can still take DD1 swimming/classes etc and work once she’s in bed.

My job is such that when you take your finger off the pulse for even a short time, things have already moved on (rapidly growing global tech company). I won’t be taking more than 12 weeks off for any mat leave (what I took for DD1) but @newnamenancy you make interesting points about leaving space for others to get into my role and I need to think carefully about that so thank you.

I would say be back at work for a year at a time minimum. So at least 15 months between births.

I had a 3 year age gap and I personally found 2 much harder than 1. My second is coming up for 2 and it is only just starting to feel easier for me and I’m now upping days.Working from home with both of them during lockdown was basically awful. Hopefully that is a challenge you won’t have to face but the logistics are just much more challenging and I do find that sometimes I’m much more knackered after a weekend than I am during the working week.

The other thing I’d say is that having two in different locations for 3 years is a complete pain. In hindsight I think a gap of 2 school years max would have been easier. We are still holding on with wrap around care and nursery but a nanny would make that side of things much easier for you. School has been much more challenging logistically than nursery ever was. I feel a level of guilt at having one of the few reception children in wraparound care and there is a very large percentage of sahms or very part time women at my school. I’ll only go full time in the future if I can negotiate flex to pick up from school at least once a week.

The thing that I found the hardest has been double disturbances at night. I’ve often found that I’ll have odd nights where they both wake up and that really cripples me. My husband is a very deep sleeper so he just doesn’t wake up. There is also no opportunity to recover with two. Eg with one you can use nap time of a weekend to chill or get jobs done. That is much harder with two.

In some ways if you’re only taking 12 weeks off for mat leave I don’t think it matters when you have no.2 as you’re not out for long. I personally found it was part-time working and not my mat leaves that stalled my progression. I personally found that 3 days was best for the children but bad for me and am now upping my days. That said, you also might find you feel differently about work v time at home at different ages. Babies can be pretty boring but toddlers much more fun/hard work. My little one is a delight at the moment and I feel quite guilty that I have chosen to push on with my career when I don’t need to.

It is nice to see this thread as I don’t think there is enough about balancing two established careers. I realised in my workplace that everyone else at my grade was either childless or had stay at home or v part-time parents at home. You will be competing with people that don’t have to think about the children, don’t need to rush home because their child has broken an arm or vomited, don’t need to muddy their brain with pta fundraising etc. Make sure that doesn’t just fall to you.

@Ratatcat thanks for your super helpful post. I am under no illusion that 2 or 3 kids will be a huge juggling act but I can’t quite get a feel of what that life will be like until I’m in it I suppose so I will need to be open-minded.
Most of my colleagues are male (95%) and the older ones tend to have partners staying at home but many of my younger male colleagues have working partners and they also take an active role in childcare and home responsibilities which I find really enthusing and therefore taking time out in the working day to take DD1 to baby classes isn’t frowned upon. I was worried at first that I would be viewed as not taking my role seriously or not prioritising work but I honestly thought F* it, why should I feel guilty for wanting to feel successful and spending time with my baby. However, I should add I do prioritise work over a baby class around client deadlines. This probably is all more doable atm as I’m WFH due to Covid. In normal times, I have no idea if it would work so I need to think about commuting to the office (likely 2/3 days/week in the future) and juggling babies.
However, on the flip side, I do tend to work over and beyond what’s expected of me, I guess to prove to others that I am serious about my role and I am competent.

DH takes on 50/50 home responsibilities- we just both muck in with whatever needs doing, but I do tend to do the clothes buying for DD1 and think more about her classes/future nursery/education. My mum then picks up whatever’s left and will do wraparound childcare (she’s just moved into our annex we had built). I really don’t think we could make this work if DH didn’t help as much and it all fell on me

Also maybe consider a plan B for a difficult pregnancy, I had normal/bad morning sickness with DS1 but worked throughout barring 2 weeks off, DS2 I had HG and spent 6m in bed on antisickness tablets - I wasn't well enough to wfh even.

It sounds like you’ve got a good set-up especially if your mum will be on site. I think you’ll be in a better

I had mine at 2 year gaps at 37,39 and 41. Took 7 months off with first two and ten months with third. DH took shared parental with first two. I ensured I had 18 months back at work between each pregnancy to show I was serious, nevertheless I am not sure my career will recover from my third mat leave.