Not really sure where to start with this, it will probably be a bit jumbled.
All my life I have struggled to communicate with people. I had a few friends in school but not really since (am 30 now). I know that I was always seen as a bit of a weirdo. I seem to have got worse over the years. I am very close with my small family but we are all very quiet people which doesn't really help. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful and supportive husband who I met at school. I have always struggled with jobs despite doing well at school, because of the social aspect. It's very hard to explain. In my last job I really liked my colleagues but even then, I didn't enjoy talking to them. I would have much preferred to sit in absolute silence the whole day. I have no idea why. Obviously I would speak to them if they spoke to me, but I found it incredibly hard to hold an actual conversation. If I ever went on training and we had to go round the room and say something, I would honestly pray for the ground to open up and swallow me. I'd go red and mumble something. I don't work now and can't imagine how I will ever bring myself to work again, unless it's remote working or something.
I have long suspected I have some sort of ASD, for other reasons as well as this. I also have social anxiety and quite bad diagnosed generalised anxiety. I feel like my brain is so full of other things that it's very hard to focus on talking, if that makes sense? It's like it's a really huge effort to speak. Obviously I chat to my husband, mainly because he knows what to talk to me about, but even then I will often ask if we can just be quiet for a bit (honestly the man is a saint to put up with me).
I had twins earlier this year and unfortunately this communication issue seems to extend to them, I'm not sure why I thought it wouldn't. I hardly talk to them. I know how important this is and I really try. But it's even harder with little people who can't talk back to me, and with the extreme tiredness on top! I will take them for a walk and point things out to them, or talk to them about their dinner etc. But this is for such a small part of the day. I often just put the TV on to fill the silence for them. I am not a remotely playful person, though again I do try (eg I play peekaboo for a few mins a couple of times each day, not really sure what else to do). I look at toys with them but mainly make faces rather than speak. I try to look at books with them but they tend to wriggle away! I feel like such a terrible mum and like they will never learn to talk. Their eye contact is already notably poor at 11 months. Perhaps they've got whatever problem I've got. I love them to pieces, I feel nothing but joy when I see their little faces. I'm confident I don't have PND - all of this was me before I even had them. I'm just a bit disappointed with myself for not being able to communicate better with my own babies like I somehow can with my immediate family and husband. I actually feel a lot happier this year than I ever have done, and SO much less stressed now I don't have to leave the house (apart from regular country walks). But I am troubled by the way I am.
I can't relate at all to those who have felt isolated this year, I know it's selfish but the pandemic has been an absolute godsend in keeping people (eg in laws and family friends) away. I don't have the energy to deal with them. A well meaning relative put me in touch with someone local who had twins the same sort of time as me, much to my horror. I never responded to her message and hoped she would think it was a wrong number. This isn't normal is it?
Not sure why I'm posting this, I suppose I just wonder if anyone else out there is like me? Have you got children and are they damaged? Am I just horrible and antisocial? I feel like such a freak.