Why is it that the most forthright women take so much crap from men?

[HallFloor]

I have three current examples:

Colleague who is currently not being at all shy about all the demands she's making at work to help her manage her mental health, when it is clear that a large part of her difficulties stem from the appalling way her partner treats her. Work will.support but things won't change further until she sorts him out.

• Another colleague, very strong woman on a leadership position, takes no nonsense from anyone, has been waiting for her "partner" to leave is wife for almost a decade. He's managed to have another child in the meantime which is why he still can't leave....and she's still waiting

• A friend with good professional job, strong family and friend network, really sorted in every other aspect of her life but bounces from one man to another who all treat her horribly?

What is it that makes them so able to stand up for themselves in most instances, but not where men are concerned? As far as I know there's no actual violence and they do all have somewhere to go, if they wanted it.

One is an OW, so a total moron, and the other 2 are being abused.

Why do men abuse? That's the right question to ask.

Yes, but why do these men have power over them in a way that, say, they wouldn't allow an employer, friend or other family member, especially when they're not tied financially etc?

Interesting re the OW. I'd say she's actually most abused, if these things have degrees, in terms of the control he has and the impact on her life. Why is she responsible for what happens between her and this man, if the others aren't?

I really don't know but this is what I am like

Focussed on my career, good job, lots of friends and arsehole men

Low self esteem I guess

Women with good jobs and ambition are a target for gold diggers, same as men are.
There are a lot of abusive arsehole men out there who manipulate and lie, women who are committed at work are probably committed to their partners too and try to make it work

I have a few friends like this - I think it’s v sad that despite their success in other areas they’ve been socialized to take shit from men. They’ll say things like “oh you know what men are like” when the man in question is being a cunt or “well most women would react like that” when they go running as soon as a man clicks their fingers. I don’t know how to help them anymore. Any tips welcome please!

How is your OW friend being abused though? Unless she didn’t know she was OW?

She didn't know she was OW initially, he did the whole double life thing for a while, she only found out the weekend he was due to move in, but that's about 8 years ago now. I don't think even she could argue that's why she's still there now.

I don't know, but if abuse is about power and control, the man certainly has that over her, just as much as the others. There's no "reason" for any of the women to be controlled, none of them live with the men. They're not dependent on them in any practical sense.

Many people, men and women, have confidence in some areas of their life but not others. The same person who has confidence to present their report to a roomful of senior people may not have confidence in their love life.

Emotional abuse is insidious, it preys on someone’s confidence until they genuinely think the problem is them, or that they will never find someone else, or that they are lucky to have this man. Once you have been trained to think this way by an abusive partner it is very hard to break out of the pattern.

It is very easy to think logically from the outside looking in, and wonder why they don’t leave, but they are often no longer able to think clearly and logically because of the constant drip drip of negative manipulation.

I wonder what their home lives may have been like - ive known two apparently very together women who ended up in abusive relationships but i think their fathers were abusive to their mothers so they would have had a skewed view on what a decent relationship should be like.

@wimhoffbreather I think the opposite -I’d be more likely to believe there was a degree of emotional abuse if somebody’s the OW. If he can treat his wife like that etc etc, and it’s such an unappealing situation for most people some degree of emotional manipulation to get all parties to stay doesn’t seem unlikely.
And I’ve never been, nor have any intention of being anybody’s OW. Just before anybody asks