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Original poster

Daughter having problems with friends - do I get involved?

17 replies

Snufflebabe05 · 10/12/2020 22:55

My 10 year old daughter has a close group of pals. There’s three of them, let’s call them a,b and c. They have been friends since they started primary, play a team sport together outside of school, are in guides together. My daughter loves hanging out with them but two of them, a&b, are slightly closer than the other two. My daughter has after school club, sports clubs and piano lesson during the week, so there isn’t much time to hang out together after school. Friend c is similar.

There’s been rumblings of something for a while. A told DD about a month ago that she didn’t want to be friends any more. It was out of the blue, and DD didn’t know why. A didn’t/couldn’t explain but DD was really upset. DD discovered that there were chats in their online chat groups that she was being left out of. If there were groups at school, a,b,c would go as a three rather than a four. We tried to guide her through it and it seemed to settle down again. However, DD says there’s still an awkwardness. Friend B appeared at our door with her mum one night to say sorry for being mean.

DD has come home tonight to say that there’s more stuff happened at school today. Friend A asked her mum to send me a message over the weekend about making something together to raise money for charity. My DD was delighted and has spent a lot of free time making these little Christmas decorations. DD saw A and B whispering today and friend B said that friend A had said she didn’t want DD to be involved anymore.

I’ve said tonight she needs to call A on it. Someone is being a little madam and she deserves to know where she stands.

DD is a happy, bouncy girl but this is all starting to take a toll on her. Not knowing where you stand is a rotten place to be, but she’s worried that if she calls it out then she’ll be without all of them as friends.

I’m good friends with the parents - do I try to raise this? Or stay out of it? I’m trying to encourage her to resolve this, but it feels that A is the ringmaster and B just follows her.

OP posts:

Scbchl · 10/12/2020 22:58

I'd persoanlly want to know if I were A's mum so I could discipline her and put a stop to her nasty behaviour.

Llareggub · 10/12/2020 23:00

I think I’d be encouraging her to expand her social circle, although I appreciate that might be tricky given the current circumstances.

Original poster

Snufflebabe05 · 10/12/2020 23:02

I should add - she’s friends with almost her entire class. Pre covid, she would get an invite to lots of birthday parties, however these three are the ones she hangs out with the most.

OP posts:

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AIMD · 10/12/2020 23:04

As above I would encourage her to focus on and nurture other friendships....though that is obviously harder at the moment with covid.

I think talking to As mum is ok. She asked her to apologise before so she is obviously aware something is happening and might be able to talk it through with A.

Pipandmum · 10/12/2020 23:06

Stay out of it. Kids have to learn how to negotiate friendships and this sounds typical. Its hard, it hurts, but she needs to learn by herself how to handle it. Just be a sympathetic ear.

Namechangeforthis111 · 10/12/2020 23:14

You have my sympathy, we had very similar experiences to this.

Think carefully before getting involved yourself with the parents. In my experience these things can sometimes blow over quickly and if you’re involved it can leave a sour taste.

The other thing is that some parents don’t ever believe that their dcs can do any wrong, and others prefer not to get involved if their kids are all getting along ok. (I’m alright jack).

We experienced all of the above, and these parents were my good friends too. It made life awkward for 2-3 years on and off. Some kids, especially girls can be quite manipulative.

The thing i found useful was to encourage other friends as well, especially out of school, and encourage self esteem.

Alexandernevermind · 10/12/2020 23:18

If you need to talk to anyone about it, talk to the school. They are hopefully seeing all sides of the story and will hopefully nip and Queen Bee behaviour in the bud. My own DD went through the same and its heartbreaking to watch.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/12/2020 23:21

It’s he’ll isn’t it. Went through so much with my DD. I never got involved, other than privately ranting and supporting her. It all turned out ok in the end. This too shall pass.

GooseberryTart · 10/12/2020 23:36

Totally agree with @Namechangeforthis111 we had similar with dd age 10. I didn’t interfere and a little madam broke up Dd’s friendship group and it totally affected Dd’s confidence.

I would be careful if the school handle things badly it won’t do your DD any favours and if you speak to the mum whatever she says to your face it could still backfire against your Dd.

The best course of action is to encourage other interests and friendships. The other girls may well realise what A is like and come back to your Dd or they maybe happy resting on her shirt tails to get in with the popular clique for secondary.

GooseberryTart · 10/12/2020 23:41

In my experience year 6 was bad but year 7 was even worse. But by the end of year 8 beginning of year 9 Dd found a nice group of quieter, less mainstream, not wanting to be popular group of girls to hang out with.

Fennelandlovage · 10/12/2020 23:46

I agree with dry out of it but if you are really worried and don’t think they will solve it themselves I would be tempted to raise with school as they are neutral and could talk to all of them together.

Namechangeforthis111 · 10/12/2020 23:50

@GooseberryTart

Same here @GooseberryTart

Year 10 and things have settled down. (Finally)

They’ve all matured, ring leader moved onto a new target, the group splintered and they all became friends with those with similar interests.

Dd is now very close to one of the original group who has since apologised to her for not standing up for her at the time because she didn’t feel comfortable enough to go against ringleader.

Ginflinger · 10/12/2020 23:53

My DD (11) has just come through nastiness in friendship group. Must be the age? It really knocked her badly. We wrote a letter to her (very understanding) teacher explaining things, I stepped up the playdates with others in her class and made sure she saw lots of her 2 non-school friends. Spent lots of time with her.

Also bought a couple of books about friendship which gave her a few ideas to try and some reassurance.

Not much helped at the time - mean girls still mean - but it boosted her a bit and got her through it.

Actually it has done her a power of good: she has been forced to make friends with lots of different people and has developed a bit of resilience and more social skills.

Horrible at the time, to see her so hurt and bewildered. Hope your DD has a good outcome.

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 10/12/2020 23:55

Yr 5 or yr 6, op?

Yr 6, absolutely definitely stay put of it

Yr 5 almost definitely stay out of it.

Focus on your child. Listen. Give strategies and sympathy. Encourage resilience and building other relationships

Original poster

Snufflebabe05 · 11/12/2020 06:53

We’re in Scotland so it’s P6 - not sure what the equivalent is.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. DD wears her heart on her sleeve and has a very mature ability to read between the lines. She’s just not someone who will rock the boat though and standing up for herself doesn’t come naturally. We’ve stayed out of it all so far, just talking to her abs hoping to guide her through it. I feel like I would want to know if DD was behaving in a way that was causing so much emotional turmoil but I also understand that I can’t swoop in and fix everything for her. It’s tough.

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/12/2020 07:06

If B came around with her mum to apologise is it worth having a quiet chat with B's mum to find out what's going on? It seems like A is the root of all this. Maybe B can help?

parrotonmyshoulder · 11/12/2020 07:12

We had very similar in Y6, as I’m sure do many parents! I did speak to the school and, as I’d suspected, my DD was causing as much of the problem as the other girls. We worked on some things together - DD definitely less mature and needed practice with friends. The group was a fairly new one and DD had only had one, very easy, friend before. In our case, the other girls lived in a different village to us and were able to meet during lockdown (eventually) for walks and so on, so the gap got wider.
She was happy with the break from them once she’d got over feeling left out. Secondary - she has had a slow start to find friends but she has a new friend visiting this weekend. I’m hoping the practice at primary will have taught her something.

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