Don’t want to spend Christmas with in laws

[CockapooMumma9]

Me and DF have been TTC for 4 months now. Since then each month I’ve grown sadder and now even though it hasn’t been long I feel hopeless

My mum knows I’m TTC and is very comforting. She’s always been an understanding lady and even though I’m an only child has never bombarded me and DF with the “when are you having a baby” questions

However, his MIL and FIL mention it a bit and currently I’ve enjoyed restrictions being in place regarding household mixing so that I didn’t have to endure it. But this year, we’re due to go to their house for Christmas Day.

I get on very well with DF’s family! Not one issue at all they really are like a second family to me. Since starting to try for a baby I’ve noticed I’ve become more recluse as I feel lonely but we haven’t seen them as much as we usually would due to restrictions being on and off. Would usually see them twice a week minimum pre covid

DF has a brother who has a lovely little 2 year old boy. The first grandchild on their side which is lovely. However when I hear MIL gush over him I feel sad as if I’ll never get to have a child as amazing as him! He’s a fantastic little boy and I dream of being a mumma everyday and hearing about him/seeing him makes me dream of it more

I feel bad for saying that but I do feel my heart sink when I hear people speak about being pregnant/having kids/being a parent in general. At the minute it feels like everyone is having babies or announcing pregnancies and I just wish constantly that I’ll get to be that lucky soon

This is more of a ‘get everything off my chest’ post, sorry. I just don’t want to go down Christmas Day and act as if I’m happy when we did dream of having a BFP before Christmas and some hope that 2021 would be so much better

Sorry if I sound like a right dick but it’s just my feelings and every day I feel sad and lonely

It’s quite a short time to have being TTC so don’t give up hope at all. I think it can be natural to feel the way you do though.

@LouiseTrees thank you. My mum does remind me of this and has been saying “just because it wasn’t month 2 doesn’t mean it’ll be month 20”

Because it didn’t happen in the first 2 months I’ve went to the extreme and just feel like it won’t! Which is wrong of me as realistically it could be next month or the month after

Just finding it hard to live my life normally at the minute? Obviously COVID playing a huge part in that but every single day I dream of being pregnant and becoming a mum it just weighs me down all day

I can’t even escape it in my sleep I always dream of it too

OP, you need to calm down. 4 months isnt long to be TTC. It’s difficult as in normal times you’d be told to “get out more, meet up with friends...” etc. And that’s off the cards for now. But can you do something to relax?

I get it but until you get to 12 or even 24 months it’s still in normal bounds. Most people don’t get pregnant straight away when they start trying. Also we’re you on any hormonal birth control, because adjusting to coming of that can also be a factor.

Stay positive Op. Enjoy your time with your husband, and the family. Enjoy the smallies. Have a glass of wine or 3, and look to the new year. Next Christmas you may be on the 7up and no wine or Baileys so take each day as it comes. Hope you get your BFP very soon 🎄

4 months is no time at all. I hope you conceive your baby soon. Don’t worry about him being compared to your nephew people will adore your baby for all their lovely characteristics.

Why not concentrate on the wedding first and it will take the pressure of TTC and who knows what may happen then?

So I'm going to give a bit of a reality check here OP and sorry if it sounds harsh........you've been trying for all of 4 months.....saying your heart sinks when you hear other people talk about pregnancy/their kids is a little....(not sure of what word to write without sounding mean) at this point.

You could have a long road ahead of you or you could be pregnant next month. The average time to conceive is at least 12 months

I could understand if it's been 4 years but you are only at the start of this.....to isolate yourself at this point will just push people away and you will need their support in their future if you do have fertility issues (which I hope you don't)

Honestly OP, if you had been trying for longer I would have so much sympathy for you. But four months is nothing!

4 months and you’re like this... hmmmm calm down as your stress won’t be helping.

You do sound like someone who’s been trying for two years, not four months. Very few people are pregnant within four months, in fact it would be more unusual if you were!

I know you can’t help how you feel but you really need to try and change your mindset about this. Think positive, think of it as an adventure you’re just embarking on, use the little ones in your life as practice and relax and cheer up!

OP I get it. It only took me 3 months but each time I got a negative I felt miserable and like I had missed my chance and now I would never be pregnant. Irrational I know and I didn’t share my feelings with anyone and I now feel totally ridiculous for worrying at all. A month is a looong time to wait.

What I will say is that the time I did get pregnant I assumed that I wouldn’t because DH was actually away over my ovulation period. He left 3 days before I had calculated I was going to ovulate so we DTD and I really thought we were not in with a chance so it was more relaxed and less pressured.

Your Df needs to tell his parents to stop asking about when you are having children. He needs to do it now, he doesn't need to share any other information apart from that. No telling them you are TTC but just stop it.

My sister had this from friends, she was trying for 12 months before she became pregnant. Once she was pregnant she did tell them that it was hurtful to be constantly asked when are you having children when she was trying. Obviously they did not know she was but it is rude to ask.

If someone chooses to share (I didn't tell anyone) it is one thing but it is completely crass to ask.

It's normal to feel disheartened but please try to be realistic. 4 months is nothing, and it won't be helping you to isolate yourself and be stressed. If indeed you do have a long road ahead especially.

Equally, you could get a BFP in January and then you've missed out and for what? To wallow.

It is unreasonable to avoid your partners family. If they ask about when you are going to have a baby, be strong and you/DF can be honest and say it is something you want to focus on but not discuss and you'd like your privacy respected.

You can't stop them doting on their grandchild and need to manage your feelings about that. Stepping away from Xmas is not the way.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Your Df needs to tell his parents to stop asking about when you are having children. He needs to do it now, he doesn't need to share any other information apart from that. No telling them you are TTC but just stop it.

My sister had this from friends, she was trying for 12 months before she became pregnant. Once she was pregnant she did tell them that it was hurtful to be constantly asked when are you having children when she was trying. Obviously they did not know she was but it is rude to ask.

If someone chooses to share (I didn't tell anyone) it is one thing but it is completely crass to ask.

This, tell him to tell them straight to stop bringing it up, and not to get into a discussion of why, just stop

To echo everyone else, four months is no time at all

I don't mean to sound harsh either but 4 months is really only a short time. You've only had 4 'tries' as it were. I think it's good to try and see the bigger picture and look beyond yourself - it's been a hard year for everyone and I'm sure yours and your DF's presence at Christmas will make your in-laws very happy. You may even find it a welcome distraction.

I think perspective is what's needed here. I've been down the rabbit hole of being desperate for a baby (thanks to multiple miscarriages) and it's really not a fun place to be. Don't push yourself down that hole prematurely. There's lots of things to be enjoyed that you can't enjoy when pregnant over the Christmas period, try and enjoy them and aim to walk into the new year with hope and optimism that your dream of getting pregnant will happen for you soon!

Enjoy your Christmas, enjoy your family and in-laws and try and stay positive!

Oh wow! Chill! I understand though. I expected us to conceive immediately but it took over a year. I can recommend clear blue ovulation testing kits - the ones with the smiley faces. Expensive but worth every penny!

I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone else. You are making this all about you. Please don't spoil Christmas for your fiance and his family.

Why are you so desperate? Is time running out for you?
Here's a reality check. I started TTC at 24, and finally had a baby at 41.

I agree that asking your fiance to ask his family to stop asking about it is a good call. Although I can never understand why something as private as TTC is anyone elses business other than yours and your fiance's.

Tell your DH to tell his parents that it's causing unnecessary stress and they need to back off - there's nice ways to say it - he should chose one of these and tell them. If they mention it just tell them, in no uncertain terms that very emotive and personal probing or off the cuff comments are very unwelcome abd they need to stop forever on these - perhaps start asking when your FIL is planning on having a prostate exam or your MIL having a mammogram

As for the TTC thing, please do yourself a favour and educate yourself a bit more about TTC. Women don't always release a monthly egg, sometimes it's not viable, the landscape of the uterus is unfavourable and CM may not be quite right... tonnes of other things that can be a bit off and it inhibits success that month, it's never guaranteed - HOWEVER, it's seriously far far too early to think you'll never be a mum, far too early.

Look at you being the best you, and your DH. Look and see if there's anything you can do to help, lose a little weight, or put a bit on if you're a little thin or over weight, stop drinking or smoking, get fitter ... loads of positive steps (check online and baby centre etc for some support), and concentrate on doing this as for the moment it sounds like you're concentrating on morbid thoughts which is really unhelpful and unnecessary.

It took me 2 years ish with both my children and both times I got pregnant when I was distracted by other things and I went to the gym, got a little thinner and a little fitter (not radical as thats bad too) small changes can help and distraction (easy to say!) can also help, but maudlin attitude really will just be negative to you and your feelings which is bad!

Good luck!