Family member(s) - Christmas gifts.

[Heidi03]

Hello,
I'm new on MN, this is my first post.

I could really do with a bit of advice / support re: a tricky situation within my family.

A couple of years ago I asked a family member not to continue to buy Christmas and birthday gifts etc. for myself, DH & DC. I also said that we wouldn't be purchasing gifts for them or their family any more.

It's become increasingly difficult over many years to try to find gifts that the recipient from this family likes - she often leaves her gift at my parent's home saying that she won't use / doesn't like what i'd chosen for her. I have always bought her one or two gifts, and spent what I consider quite a lot of money on them. One year I bought her favourite perfume - I can't remember which it was, but it cost £50+, which for me is a lot of money - she left it at my parent's home saying that she'd been given many bottles of this scent & didn't want any more. Another christmas I bought a pair of designer slippers - I think they were burberry from memory - she said that they didn't fit, so I passed her the receipt so that she could get a different size (i'd chosen the shoe size she's always been as an adult btw) - she didn't swap them for another size, she gave the them to our mother who wore them - every time I saw them on mum's feet it made me feel really sh1tty; inadequate etc. Another Christmas I gave her a jar, which she liked, but left it at my parent's home because she wanted another to go with it, but they were sold out. There have been countless times that this /similar has happened - too many to go through tbh.

Anyway, I decided, a couple of years ago that enough is enough.

This FM also goes way overboard especially at Christmas. Giant bags / sacks of gifts for my DC since they were born. Two of my DC are grown up & left home (31 & 29), and the youngest is 15. There's not a lot I can do regarding the two eldest; they're adults, it's entirely up to them, but with regard to ourselves (me, dh & dc) I asked that we no longer give & receive gifts.

Last Christmas, which was the first C following me having asked that she/they no longer do gifting, she sends, with my eldest son, a massive bag of gifts for our youngest - a lot of it was v.expensive stuff; designer gear, football kit, high end tech stuff etc. Idk how much she'd spent but it must have been in the high hundreds.

I was furious. I had told her, over six months before C; before my BD that year that we weren't doing gifting any longer.

Our DC have loads of things, too much really - we buy nice stuff that he needs (& sometimes would like) throughout the year & for his BD & Christmas. Our home can't take any more stuff - it's bulging at the seams ; i've sent tens of bags and boxes of unused, unopened gifts to charity shops; clothes with the labels still on, unopened toys & games etc. It really has been, imo, ridiculous.

Now it seems to have started again - I knew the moment my eldest S came round a few days ago; a v. posh bag with a v. expensive advent calendar for our youngest - receipt left in the bag btw.

Given the arrival of the AC I think that she's going to do the same again this year on Christmas day - that a sack full will arrive via my eldest - again, & it's making me feel really anxious - i didn't sleep the other night, i kept going over & over what had happened last year, hence i've sent her an email asking her not to do gifting any more, adding that I'd communicated this with her a while ago.

I'm still worrying that she will do it again. It might seem trivial, but it's making me feel on edge & anxious.

I feel that it's as if mine & my H's view(s)/ decisions are being ignored, again, and that it'll continue for goodness knows how long, probably forever - and that we just have to go with it.

Our youngest S understands where we're coming from & agrees with what we've asked; he has to live with it all piled up in his room, & is probably fed up with, as I am, of having to try to store & keep it all clean & tidy.

Any thoughts as to what I should do would be v. much appreciated..

Thank you, & sorry for the lost post.

sorry for the typo, long not 'lost'.

Bump, in case anyone might offer some advice. Thanks.

Why not ask your other son not to accept/bring the gifts?

@Gingerandthebiscuits, I have asked both of my elder sons not to bring them when they come over on Christmas day - I don't know if that's what will happen tho.

The FM leaves all the gifts at my parent's home - there are huge sack fulls / bags of gifts left in their front room, and upstairs in their bedroom. My Mum doesn't like having all the stuff around her house - who would - so I feel sorry for my Mum having to keep it all at hers; all the gifts go there when they're bought or are delivered to Mum's - my guess is that FM either 1. doesn't want her home cluttered up, 2. doesn't want her dh to know what she buys / spends, 3. her DH is a really chilled out, no fuss kind of guy - he doesn't like fuss or a huge deal made of anything - & I don't blame him tbh.

This has been going on for over 30 years - it's nothing new at all.

Mum probably doesn't want to offend FM, but I know that she doesn't cope well with clutter everywhere - I know I don't.

There's also, & this too has been the case for decades & is part of the picture - a feeling of FM trying to out-do everyone else in the family in terms of £s spent / fuss / decorations etc.

I've grown to dread this time of year, & i've felt like this for years, which is awful given myself & dh have three DC.

I'm fed up of feeling like this - it starts in Oct/Nov time every bloomin' year.

Just tell your son not to bring them and then you don’t have to think about it. If your (sibling?) FM decides they want to clutter up your mother’s house with unwanted gifts that’s something your mother needs to take up with your FM. You’ve made your psitiob clear. This is no longer your problem.

Position*

@Gingerandthebiscuits, I forwarded a copy of my recent email to FM to my two sons - this was yesterday. Yes, she's my sister. And she's tricky to deal with on a one to one basis - manipulative, comes over as faux & pretentious, & will do / say anything to get her way.

She's got her way with the advent calendars, thus she'll think she can do as she pleases in a fortnights' time. But she's not, I won't allow her to.

I told her that if she attempts to, or tries to get Mum to make sure my boys bring it all here, that I won't allow the sacks / bags into our home and that they will be returned from where they came.

Our boys, of course, are v. welcome.

You're spot on in saying that i've made my position clear. If she's spent hundreds / thousands of £s on gifts for our youngest, then she'll have learned a v.expensive lesson.

Many thanks for your replies.

Good luck. Sounds like a weird power play on her part, and like you say, expensive waste of time and money.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

Why not ask your other son not to accept/bring the gifts?

I don’t think it’s fair to ask one son to refuse gifts on behalf of another.

Either suck it up, or regift all to charity - you are not going to change her.

Well, she's clearly loaded so why not simply say thank you very much, keep what you like and regift or send the rest to a charity shop?
You admit that you send unopened gifts to charity shops; so why is that any different from her giving unwanted slippers to your mum? (It might have been tactful if your mum had avoided wearing them in front of you, though!)
But it's really not worth working yourself up into such a tizz. (You do sound a bit jealous to be honest.)

There was a thread couple of days ago from a new Mum who had bought her sisters child a laptop & her sister asked her to return it. Is this your sister?!

I think possibly you giving stuff away is just as bad?

She needs to buy less - could you encourage her to get premium bonds or send cash do they can get what they prefer?

I don't feel jealous, not at all, I don't like most of the stuff that she's bought; I still have various items still with the labels on that i'll never use or wear but would never tell her that I don't like what she's bought for me. It's the same with the gifts my Mum gives, but what my mum chooses isn't always what I'd choose, her choices are v.much there or thereabouts. I make use of / wear the things she's given to me.

Our boys also say that most of what they receive is extravagant, & a waste of her money, time & effort - there are bags full of C gifts that she gave to our middle S last year still in our back bedroom (smallest bedroom, now spare since the two eldest boys have left home) - all sorts of stuff; I haven't looked through it & tbh rarely go in there - there's piles of it; clothes, smellies, chocolates & sweets, underwear, after shave etc. and it's been sat up there for nearly a year. Our middle son lives quite a way away & it's far too much for him to take back with him. I bought him the biggest hard shelled wheeled suitcase I could find a few years ago - not for Christmas btw, so that he can take his stuff back with him, but it won't all fit in, the case is massive, getting it down our hallway is quite an achievement when it's full. This is the reason why we (myself & dh), & my Mum, buy him & his gf a few things - clothes, little treats, vouchers / we put some money in their bank accounts & they treat themselves to whatever they might like.

Just to add that I have suggested, a few times over the years, that we as a family put, for instance, £30 - £40 limit on what we spend on one another / each of us; it's gone up a bit because i've suggested doing this for many years. My Mother agreed, & that's more or less what she spends on each of us anyway, but my S took no notice.

I think that she knows that I don't have that kind of money to spare, nor the time to faff about - but if I had that much money I wouldn't spend it on that sort of stuff anyway, and I certainly wouldn't take up what must be thousands of pounds of debt to fund Christmas.

I've had to take so much stuff to charity shops because we could hardly move especially in the boys' bedrooms. I thought, & think it's better to give it to charity / someone who'll make use of it, rather than throwing it away. I'd feel much worse about it if I binned what she'd given my boys.

I felt free, like a weight had been taken off my shoulders this time last year - i'm not going to go back to feeling really sh1tty again, ever.

Your sister clearly has too much money! Either that, or she pays for the ability to manipulate/annoy other people. What a waste of money, really! But, you can channel it to a good source if you donate the things to those in need. Donate all of it to charity! That way you'll be doing a good thing! It will be sold, and the money will go to a good cause. Maybe this will help neutralize your anger about the situation.