Not sure what to do about my life

[Dazedandconfused28]

I'm not sure I can cope with my life as it is much longer.

My toddler is undergoing a diagnosis for SN at the moment & my Dad is starting tests for dementia after becoming very unwell - I moved temporarily to be closer to my Dad & was caring for him & my toddler alongside my job. I'm also trying to get in place support for my child.

I now have care provision for my Dad, but am playing catch up with my job - various errors over the past few weeks on my part are making me look terrible at my job - my work know the situation, but I can't keep using it as an excuse.

My toddler has recently moved from a cot into a bed - he can climb out of cot (even when in a sleeping bag.) I now have to sit next to him until he's asleep to stop him climbing out of bed - that can be 11pm some nights.

My DH keeps asking how he can support me - but when I ask him to put his washing in the basket, help tidy etc - he simply says he'll do it later & I end up doing it. Yes, I could leave it, but then no one would have clean clothes & we would live in squalor. I left the recycling by the door to go out, it's been there since Sunday - he said he would do it, last night I tripped on it & hit my head. I am at the end of my tether, I just feel so desperate & I cant help but feel hostile towards him, and I act that way too. It was my birthday at the weekend - it really shouldn't be on my list of priorities- but I admit I got excited my Dh would make an effort. I send him inspiration for things I would like - he didn't order anything in time & ended up buying novelty crap off Amazon. I just feel so deeply uncared for, like I don't deserve a bit of thought, that I am a joke.

He asks me not to take my stress out on him, but remains conveniently oblivious to how he can help me. I hate the misery I am becoming. I have stopped caring for myself, I eat crap & my hair is falling out from the stress. I genuinely feel like I need saving.

Sorry for long post.

Just to add - leaving my husband at this time is really not an option, I just don't have the capacity for it on top of everything else.

You're not taking your stress out on him, you're angry because he's being fucking selfish and useless and not supporting his wife in a nightmare situation.

I'm amazed you haven't screamed his fucking head off.

Tel him to sort himself out and stop being another weight around your neck.

He needs to start cooking healthy meals for you all, doing a job within a day of you asking or fuck off.

I’m so sorry about this. Do speak seriously to your DH that you feel unsupported and that when you ask him to do something, could he do it promptly. I have done this with my DH and things did improve. Perhaps your DH could put your toddler to bed? Or take on another job that it is hard to delay (eg cooking dinner)?

Thank you for the replies! I do become exasperated & have cried to him a lot this past few weeks - I've told him what I need - His repeated failure to step up just reflects his lack of love for me I think. I then cannot help feeling cold & resentful toward him, and it's a vicious cycle. He tells me he loves me, yet all his actions point to the fact that he doesn't. He is very affectionate & I cannot bring myself to reciprocate.

He does cook dinner half the time ( I do all other meals) - but never cleans up & 80% of the time I do the shopping for our meals.

Everything else is down to me. When I point this out he completely denies the reality & I feel like I'm going mad. He'll make jokes about how much he does & it drives me insane that he can find my desperation funny.

I hate the person I have become, I have no interests, I excel at nothing & I feel completely unloved.

What does he do to care for his son?

@giggly

What does he do to care for his son?

He does play with him, he'll get him dressed occasionally at the weekends. He does the odd meal for him. It's just not enough - especially at the moment.

I tried to have a sleep the other day when toddler was napping- dh brought him in for 'cuddles' as he woke up after 20 minutes. I'm ashamed to say I swore, but I am so wrung out & the opportunity of rest is so rare at the moment.

After 20 minutes I would've absolutely lost my shit too!!!
Don't blame yourself at all!! He literally is doing nothing to support you and you have every right to feel that way.

Another way you could put to him is
I'm obviously having a very bad time and you say you want to help but you are not, you are doing the bare minimum and unless you step up... what do you think will happen when I'm better and get through this? I will not forget how you treated me

Dazed just want to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time, and although my situation is different, I truly empathise. I too (for different reasons) feel wrung out, empty, shell/like.

So - no pro tips here to share, as I'm clueless about how to fix my own life, but I just wanted to send solidarity.

Hopefully others will have more practical advice.

OP - you sound hard-working, caring and conscientious. You have a DH problem - it sounds like he doesn’t understand that he is making things worse. Perhaps he thinks it is all due to you being over anxious/emotional about your dad, work and toddler rather than also being frustrated at his lack of help. Sit down when you are less emotional and tell him that you feel unsupported because he does not do actions which will take load off you; or maybe write it in an email/letter. Do be careful though (I’m quite blunt and have made my DH go into a sulk because of how I phrased it, because he is quite sensitive).

Find jobs that it is hard for him to get out of (ie he can’t easily put it off) - like cooking or putting toddler to bed.

I know you don't want to OP, but you have to stop doing it all. Leave. Even if it's only for a night to catch up with some sleep in a hotel. Leave your husband to see what you are dealing with.

Then leave the mess. The dishes. The recycling. Leave it all. Be prepared to leave him permanently when he doesn't get the hint.