Moved house - think I’m having a nervous breakdown

[RHTawneyonabus]

I’m not sure where to write this or ask for help. We’ve just moved, it’s a lovely house and I’m glad to be out of rented. It’s further out of town than I wanted and very quiet but otherwise everything you could ever want in a house. It cost an absolute bomb and it the culmination of years of DH’s hard work and success - he’s made up.

I can’t tell him or anyone how much I hate this place. I had no idea I would feel like this until we got through the door yesterday. It’s a mile from the kids school which is the same as before but an A road so not walkable like before. there are no neighbours although we do know some people on the other side on the wood and it’s so quiet I feel like I am being entombed here.

I really don’t want to live here. I’m supposed to be working today but can’t focus at all. I’m just hiding to have a cry the whole and desperate to talk to someone. All my friends feel like a million miles away and obviously couldn’t come round in tier 3 anyway. I can’t tell anyone about this as it’s a amazing house that so many people have said how lucky we are etc.

I know some people have real problems but my brain has gone into overdrive and I’m starting to think really dark thoughts about leaving and running and running. I don’t want this for my life

There is no way we can sell it either. Not for two years at least. I don’t even know why I’m writing this other than I have to say it out loud somewhere.

Moving house is extremely stressful. Give yourself some slack.

Do you drive? Also, do you work from home? If so, set up a work space for yourself.

It takes time to settle in, be patient with yourself.

I do drive. Which is okay but I feel so disconnected at the moment. I work from home because COVID (although wouldn’t normally) I’ve done nothing useful today and I’m wondering if I need to ask my boss for the rest of the week on leave. Better than turning in a crap weeks work.

Slightly different but I felt like this after marrying my husband!

We'd been together 10 years before getting married, two children and as things go pretty happy.

For the entire first year of being married I kept researching how to divorce/legally seperate etc. He hadn't changed, I hadn't changed but suddenly I was in this legal relationship that couldn't be wriggled out of for at least a year.

To be fair we married swiftly after a health emergency saw my husband in ICU, unconscious and me with zero rights to see him thank goodness for reasonable MIL so I suspect that my response was really to the trauma of the events leading up to being married, rather than actually being married.

From your follow up post, you might be experiencing the same. It's not the house that's making you feel this way, it's the events leading up to being in the house that are.

If you can't love the place, just make do for now. Make the best of what you have and each day reaffirm what is brilliant about having your own home. Faking it can help you cope until either the house becomes your home or you're in a position to move again.

If you genuinely feel like you're having a crisis/breakdown rather than just a horrible stress reaction please reach out for support. Your GP is a great start but there's also organisations like MIND that have resources that may help if you just want to keep this low key for now.

Best of luck

Op, I know a few people who have felt as you have described but have grown to be very happy in their new places. Please, please give yourself a bit of time. It is bound to feel odd. Get your stuff properly unpacked, kids' rooms sorted etc. If you can afford it, but some new little touches - a picture to put up, flowers etc. Tell yourself you will reassess mentally in 3 months.

@RHTawneyonabus I'd definitely ask for the the time off. We have just moved and I couldn't have coped trying to go straight back to work. I had the rest of the week (we moved on a Wednesday) and it gave me a few days to start getting the house as I wanted it, to get the heating levelled out and start getting to know the house. I miss my old town more than the house but I miss my neighbours dreadfully. I also, weirdly, miss my dog walking route! But as the weeks pass (2 weeks today!) I am thinking less about the old place with each passing day. I am however having to come to terms with the fact that my excuse "we've just moved" won't last much longer with the boxes cluttering the spare room...

Op You're definitely not the only person to have thought this. Give it time, you've had a huge transition and everyone struggles to settle into a new house. Try and make at least one area of the house your little safe place. Find a comfy seat, your softest blanket and a cup of tea (or gin) and try to relax. If it helps, make a list of things you need to do. You're probably overwhelmed and questioning everything and you have a huge amount of pressure on you to make this a happy happy time! It's okay to not feel at home yet or feel out of place. Just be patient with yourself, get into a good new routine and try to find things you love about the house.

The first evening in our current house I cried and cried! I couldn't sleep properly for the first few weeks and was just very emotional. And now, I love the house!

If you have a garden, there are things you can do now even though it's all bleak looking. Plant lots of bulbs, and you'll have beautiful flowers to bring into the house in spring.

I would suggest trying to keep busy- get everything unpacked, get some pictures up. Dont worry too much about everything being perfectly placed yet, just banish the boxes.

Maybe go on some nice walks to get to know the new area? You said you were near some woods, it sounds perfect for some wintery walks!

So so so normal op you have my sympathies.

Take your time and get some pictures up, as you unpack it will start to feel more familiar

There is a reason why moving house is listed on the ‘Top 10 stressful life events’ list. Be kind to yourself. I think taking the rest of the week off, if you can, would be a good idea as it will reduce your stress levels. You mentioned feeling disconnected from everything. Can you meet a friend outside for a coffee in your tier? Even a thermal mug 10 minutes before school pick up? The house move has highlighted how disconnected you feel, but I suspect this is due to Covid-19 lockdowns and restrictions as in ‘normal’ circumstances your fiends would have been able to pop round with a New Home card and you’d be planning Christmas drinks in your beautiful new home. Recognise it’s not necessarily the house, but the stress of the move which has taken its toll on top of everything else that’s occurred this year. Remember to breath!

I think it sounds lovely! I love a quiet home. I understand about your concerns about not being close to things and it is possible to be close to things and neighbours to still be quiet.

Give it 2 weeks and see how you feel then? Does it feel a little bit like you are on holiday? If so I think that is a good sign.

I didn't feel excited or happy with our last house and it proved to be not the one for us. When you have your friends round it will feel so much better

We had the most horrendous move into this house and I ended up with shingles triggered by all the stress. It's also more isolated than where we were before so it did take me a while to settle too. I honestly think it will grow on you OP. Moving house is a huge upheaval.

It's definitely the stress, we're moving this weekend and have the keys already... But I'm at 'home' on MN instead of packing. It's not helped by the fact we're moving ourselves and have a fuckton of stuff.

I do recognise the feeling. When I moved here, it took me about 5 years for this to feel like home. Then we had an extremely stressful business move, followed a few years later with an equally stressful business sale. For me the 'Oh my God what have we done?!' feeling is part and parcel of huge financial decisions that take months to finalise.
Things take time to settle, and hopefully they will for you too. Give it a couple years.

It might be buyers remorse. Very common phenomenon when moving/buying.

Give it a few weeks and see how you feel.

This happened to me too. Bought a house that I liked in not quite such a good area. Smaller rooms, needed a bit of work. Left a beautifully presented light and airy flat. The actual move went badly, I never got chance to walk around the empty rooms before leaving. It was ten pm before the movers unloaded. I was exhausted. And I instantly hated the place. Sat on the stairs crying for several days feeling utterly panicked. Spoke to a friend who said that the same happened to her and she reassured me that I just needed time to settle in. I told my husband that I would give it three months and if I wasn't happy, we would have to move. Anyway, needless to say that hasn't happened. We've been here 8 years now and have met loads of lovely people. We decided recently to renovate the whole house rather than move again. I think that you are tired, a bit homesick and are panicking/feeling bad that you're not happy. Sometimes these things catch you off guard. Give yourself time. Start to unpack, give the walls a lick of paint, make it your own and I guarantee that you will not feel this way in 6 weeks! Invite your friends/family over at Xmas. They will also help you to see all the positives.

@lemonandthyme

When I last year I had exactly the same reaction. We had bought our first house and there was about two weeks where we also still had our rented house. During that time I couldn’t wait to get ‘home’ to our rented house and hated everything about the house we’d bought. I hated the unfamiliar smell, the location, the differences between the house and our rented house. But they all faded as I got used to it. Now I couldn’t be happier here.

Like you said, OP, I think mine was a stress reaction to having to manage the move with two small children. Our new house also needed quite a bit of work which we were totally prepared for but which added to the stress. Also I don’t cope well with change at the best of times.

Give it a few more weeks and I bet you’ll start to feel better!

I’m another who hates change. It crucified me saying goodbye to my old tourer with it’s beautiful cabinetry, Eventhough I had a 40 foot static with a proper bathroom to take its place. Now I don’t give it a second thought. Saying goodbye to my old toyota, even though I had an almost spanking new one to take its place..now I, just so pleased with it I hope it goes on forever.

I don’t think I dare change homes though and I’m worse the older I get.
I bet in a years time you will feel so much differently.

Especially in spring and summer.

With every major change there is a loss and where there’s loss there’s grief.
It’s ok to grieve for your old home, your neighbourhood and friends

You watch they will be fighting a path to your door, to sit and admire the woods beside your fire pit.

Moving blues are definitely a thing A you are so busy saving, planning, moving, and dream of a perfect life - and guess what? It’s just a house.

It will take time to make it a home. Consider it your home for now, don’t worry about long term.

Start doing silly things with the kids to make it YOUR family place.

Build a den with dining chairs and have a picnic, play hide and seek, put your favourite ornaments and decorations around the place, plan for the garden in spring and summer etc.

Hopefully this will pass.

There's a reason that Moving House is one of the top five things to cause stress!

Give it a while. Don't force yourself. Have a long bath and some chocolates, and like another PP said, buy yourself some lovely flowers

I moved 3 weeks ago from a big draft old rented house to a lovely but smaller new build house.

I cried and cried the day we got the keys to the new house and told my DH I couldn't and wouldn't live there. 3 weeks later we have now decorated a few of the rooms and put all our pictures and things up and I'm so happy here, it's lovely and feels like home. We drive past the old house and I now wonder how I lived there for so long.

I'm sure you'll feel better about it all soon. Like others have said it's horribly stressful moving.

The week after I moved into the first house I bought I cried every day. It was absolutely insane, you’d think buying your first house would be really exciting, wouldn’t you? When I sold it I cried because I was leaving it!

By the time you’ve celebrated Christmas there, you’ll feel as if you’ve always lived there.

OP, give it time. I actually posted here when I moved, and instantly regretted it, last year. I was devastated. We moved from a beautiful farm house to an inner city large victorian terraced. When we first went into lockdown, I was incredibly depressed and spent weeks continually pining for my old house. We all did. It's been over a year now and we have spent the last 6 months or so doing work to our home (thanks lockdown) and I'm starting to fall in love with it a little. My DD has friends in the street, we have lots of community events etc. The city centre location does have its draw backs but we're learning to live with and love it. The house you're now in sounds a little like our old one. It was a 'dream' house. We moved out as the mortgage and running costs were extortionate. Give yourself time. Moving is stressful anyway!

Totally normal, might even take a few years to get into the place properly but you will. Also, you mentioned you've moved from rented to bought, when I did this I went round touching the walls saying 'this is all mine, I'm paying for this!' I was so excited. And nervous of the responsibility!

Hi. I just read your post..I know it's a bit old now but I wondered if you ever settled? I moved to Dartmouth Devon in 2015 and the isolation and lack of transport etc. Cosy me my marriage. And estrangement from my adult children. No one visited and I have been alone since then. I'm moving tomorrow to Somerset. To start again .on my own. I wish I had never moved here. We both loved the beautify house but husband could not stand the isolation. He wouldn't agree to move back together and left 2 years ago. You have to think of yourself too. Not just your husband worked hard. So did you. Once your children get friends and settled it will be hard to uproot them. I would be interested to know if you managed to settle there.

Had this too… it will pass.

zombie thread.