Should we TTC? Divorce and potential huge DC age gap

[knitwearordeath]

I have been going round and round on this for what feels like forever, and I'm no closer to feeling like I know the right choice. I would LOVE the opinion of anyone who's been in a similar position either as parent or child (or has any words of wisdom whatsoever, TBH).

XH and I separated (amicably, on the whole) just over 2 years ago. We have 3DC (11, 9, 5), who have coped brilliantly with the whole thing, with very occasional minor sadness initially, as you'd expect. XH and I have 50/50 care of them. We both met new DPs fairly quickly, and are living with them as of earlier this year - mine has no DC, XH's has DC who she has majority care of, if that's relevant. The DC are really fond of both 'step' parents.

I said to my new DP from the outset that I didn't plan to have more children, and he accepted that, but has always made it clear that he would have loved to have them if he hadn't inconveniently fallen in love with me. Over the past few months I have been thinking more and more that I'd love to have a a baby with him, but I can't decide if I'm just out of my tree and feeling broody pangs, rather than being sensible. Pros and cons...

Pros:

• I want to! DP would absolutely love to.
• I think I'm pretty good at parenting, hopefully I could manage another bout of it.
• My DCs have been fine with every change so far, and the younger two have asked if DP and I will have a baby, although don't seem either excited or horrified at the prospect.

Cons

• I'm 39, so we couldn't hang around if we were going to do this. This means yet another relatively imminent change for my DCs to cope with if I conceived quickly - would it be the straw that made it all go wrong after SUCH an easy time so far? Obviously age means I might not conceive at all! I'd probably put a clear time limit on TTC, 12-18 months, in order to prevent this taking over my life forever.
• I'm worried about the effect on my current DC - will they feel more 'homeless' if both their homes have 'permanent' DCs, while they go back and forth between houses? Will they resent the new baby?
• Will I just find it TOO HARD? Having three already and then throwing a baby into the mix. Do I want to be parenting a teen in my late 50s?
• I'm not as financially sound as I'd like to be, and have a business which is only just established - I have some employed income (would get maternity leave) and some self employed, all would need childcare/DP to go part time for me to return to work, obv. I would HAVE to return to work after 4-6 months, for my own independence, sanity and security for my existing DCs (XH pays no maintenance due to 50/50). I'm not sure how we'd afford this, although I think we could with some cuts. I'm worried about keeping my own business ticking over comfortably, although can do some work from home (have always worked from home without childcare with younger DCs, so am very realistic about what can be managed). Business is ALMOST at the point where I could take on part time help, and may or may not be there by the time I need to take maternity leave.
• I'm (selfishly, and vainly) worried about the effect on my body - I definitely didn't 'bounce back' after DC3 and although I'm fit and healthy, I'm worried about being, basically, horribly saggy and ugly afterwards (DP is a couple of years younger than me and previously had a younger again girlfriend, which I think plays into this). I'm aware how shallow and insane this is, but I have a fabulous sex life for the first time ever and I'd like it to remain so.
• I'm worried about the effect on my relationship with DP. We have an amazing, proper incredibly relationship and I'm overjoyed to have found him. Totally different to the relationship I had with XH (got together young, should have split up YEARS ago, before DC, although are lucky enough to get on reasonably well still). DP and I are both outdoorsy and have various extreme sports as hobbies. I'm scared that sleep deprivation and lack of time for activities together (I get that we can carry on our hobbies solo) will affect our relationship and make it pedestrian and ordinary.
• This would be (planned) CS number 3. Recovery for CS2 took longer than CS1, and grandparent help couldn't be relied upon (covid, and they're much older than last time I did this!).
• Would the baby care about the big age gap? I definitely absolutely wouldn't have any more - the escalation in risk from 3 to 4 c sections is too scary for me, without even considering age etc, so it would be (sort of) an only.

The cons list is a lot longer than the pro list. But. But. But. I WANT to. And I know DP would be beyond overjoyed.

Any advice? Have you been in a similar position, or grown up as an older half sibling to a new interloper? Think it's wonderful? Think it's insane? Please help me make some headway in deciding!

Crap, that was long. Sorry.

How long have you been together and lived together? You are two years post-divorce?
Do you intend to get married?

Been together a little over 18 months, lived together about 8 months. Not fussed on marriage apart from for legal protection in case of separation (so yes, would marry if planning a baby).

Yabu. You have 3 DCs who've already been through a lot of upheaval, you've been with him for 18 months max, you're at higher risk being older and after 2 CSs, you're not financially sound and yet he'd have to go part time, you're not married (not because this makes you any better a person, but it minimises your risk if you're not well off and it goes wrong). Not to mention what will happen to the older three when suddenly mum is knackered with a new baby, and step dad is knackered and missing his extreme.sports (or doting and obsessed with his new baby).

I've known a few women who've done this, and my uncle, and it's never turned out well.

I wouldn't. I think you're still in the first flush of your relationship, and you've only lived together during a pandemic, which is hardly the normal living experience. And that's only been for 8 months anyway...

YabVu

You'd have to be fucking mad op

I say go for it, because it sounds as if that's really want you want and you might regret it if you didn't try for a baby. Yes it's upheaval and all the downsides you mentioned but it sounds as if your DCs would accept it and have a good relationship with all the adults in your setup, plus they have each other, which must be helpful. I think 18 months together is ok to consider having a baby, plenty of couples have this sort of timeline especially in late thirties. It sounds tough but doable!

Why are people say YABU? This is Chat.

Personally, I think it's a change too far for your children. It's a lot of change in a relatively short space of time. I am in a similar position with a split, new DP and living together in a similar time frame and DCs taking it fairly well. However we aren't having more DCs and I know that would have a big (negative) affect on my eldest.

But if he is younger and would love his own kids, will he realise one day that he may want to go and find someone who wants them too?

Only you can really make this decision. However at this age, with that age gap, I wouldn't start again. Many people do get into a new relationship and have a child together though.

You'll get people saying both things. You'll get good and bad stories of people doing similar.

I think, on balance, using my head, I'd think...it's a gamble. It could go wrong. In an ideal world, I wouldn't have dcs with a man I'd only been with for 18 months and that's without having to consider your existing dcs. Three DCs, while not a massive family, is quite a lot to contend with. I'm sure you are good at parenting as you say, but I don't know how that would translate into managing the whole blended family thing. Most of all, my hesitation would be, (and this might sound harsh, which isn't my intention, but it is what I would think), that my existing dcs would feel as if I'd thought "oh dear, that family didn't work out. Time to start a new one", with it being not that long since you split with your ex. Potentially damaging maybe...?

All that said, it does work for some people. Based on RL relationships, I do think step / half siblings can be more difficult than a new full sibling for kids. But plenty of people do it and are fine.

Get a puppy together to nurture...

@CommunistLegoBloc

I wouldn't. I think you're still in the first flush of your relationship, and you've only lived together during a pandemic, which is hardly the normal living experience. And that's only been for 8 months anyway...

Agreed.

I agree with the above.

There has been so much upheaval in the life of your children.

A baby would change this relationship hugely and all the things you are enjoying aren't really compatible with a pregnancy and new baby, toddler.

I think the reality is vastly different to the possibly romantic view.

Financially it also is very precarious for you to contemplate.

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

I wouldn't, it's a big upheaval for your dc. Also it maybe your hormones, about the same age as you and with dp about the same time, I started to think it would be nice to have a baby together, 5 or so years later, thank christ we didn't have one, dc are more independent and life is good

Six years is NOT a huge age gap. I wouldn't worry about that, and I wouldn't worry about having an Only Child either. It is a different experience for the child, and for the parents, but it doesn't mean it is a bad experience. And anyhow, this child will have lots of brothers and sisters anyway, half the time, so it will be sort of an only, and sort of not.
I think at 39 you still have time. Why not ASK your DP and see what he is thinking. Maybe he has come to terms with never having his own natural children, and is okay with that. But if he is keen to try, I don't think it is an overly bad idea. Go for it!

I think you need to think very very hard about this OP. Ultimately only you and you DP can decide but your point about '- I'm worried about the effect on my current DC - will they feel more 'homeless' if both their homes have 'permanent' DCs, while they go back and forth between houses? Will they resent the new baby?' i think is something to seriously think about.

I personally wouldnt have any more and if your DP wants children of his own you both need to sit down and work out a plan which also includes going your separate ways because ultimately your 3 DC are what matters in this. If you have another child there is a very strong risk they will feel pushed out to some degree and may feel homeless as you say.

The things that would worry me is that if you split up you may become a completely single parent. Your existing child would have less time and resources. Your child may been born with difficulties and need extra time and money and as you get older your existing children would be responsible for her/him. Another c section would be difficult to get over. You haven't been together that long. I'm over cautious though and you may not be. I think I would be happy to have found someone wonderful and to have a good relationship with my ex

@user1471538283
I absolutely agree with everything you have put.

I also meant to add that i have seen something similiar to your situation OP and it did cause resentment. It was many many years ago where blended familes werent as common as they are today but the half siblings never spoke and the 'older' ones deeply resented the whole situation.

"I've known a few women who've done this, and my uncle, and it's never turned out well*

It's exactly what I did. I was 42, had 3 children and my new partner had none. My youngest child was 7. There were a few raised eyebrows but it's worked out really well - there is no resentment - they are all really fond of each other and the older ones just think of her as their little sister, not their half sister. She absolutely adores them. Had my new partner already had children, I am not sure I would have done the same thing. But absolutely no regrets.

My DB also remarried, had 3 children and then a new baby with his new wife. Again, quite a big gap. His older siblings adore him. (My DB didn't leave his first wife, if that makes any difference!)

I would do it, it would give your partner a chance to have his own child and not think of leaving you to find someone to give him kids. You are still at a good age to have another baby and not a big age gap with your youngest.