Don't know if I am depressed or just downright lazy..

[pr0crastinating]

Hello,

Not much point to this post but perhaps some advice would be helpful. I really feel in such a slump at the minute and very unmotivated with life. I am 24, a recent graduate and im just not really sure what on earth im doing.

I currently have a job, not full time (30 ish hours) in a school which i enjoy but it is petty menial and there is no chance of progression. I have worked previously in hospitality and a brief stint in an office whilst at university, as well as some voluntary bits of tutoring and admin. Ive thought about doing a PGCE, but im not 100% teaching is for me and any sort of google search seems to bring up nothing but negatives.

Im not sure if consider myself to be overly unhappy. I don't cry myself to sleep (that often...) and its not like i cant pull myself out of bed in the morning, but i am definitely not happy either. I have a hobby that i have to do (horses need looking after) but i dont really enjoy it anymore, and every day just feels like killing time. I dont really have many friends and only see them occasionally, i am single and have been for pretty much my entire life, and still live at home with my parents. The problem is i seem to have lost all passion for life and cant seem to motivate myself to do anything.

Career wise, I dont have a 'dream job' and have no idea what i want to do. I know i need to find a 'proper job', or at least one that is full time if i ever want to be able to move out, but i dont know what to look for. I am lonely but at the same time tend to push people away and struggle to put in the work to maintain friendships and relationships.

All i seem to do now is work (not very hard at that), look after my animals, and watch tv. This is the time of my life where im supposed to be working hard, meeting people, experiencing things and i just dont want to. I feel like i'm being so lazy and useless but now starting to think there may be more to it than that...or maybe im just making excuses for my laziness i dont know. I struggle a lot with anxiety and a lack of confidence, as well as an eating disorder that i have had for years. I know i am not stupid (I was a straight A* student and now have a 1st class degree) but I have lost all of my spark and drive for life. I dont feel very hopeful about the future and im just so lost.

Any words of wisdom or a kick up the backside would be much appreciated.

Apart from living with parents, I could have written this word for word at your age. I think it's quite common to feel this way when you're relatively fresh out of uni, especially for someone who's very academic. For your whole life you've been given one straight path to follow through the education system - granted there's a degree of choice in what you want to study and where, but the general structure of your life is still planned out for you - and then all of a sudden you're left on your own, to do anything you want, with virtually no guidance whatsoever. And it's terrifying.

For most people who find themselves in that situation it's a pretty slow process to figure out who you are and what you want from life, and there's no real straightforward instructions on how to do it. If I were you I'd start by trying to pick apart which of the things that you say you don't have (e.g. a partner/a career) are things that you want for yourself, and which are things you feel that society expects from you. If you could be absolutely any sort of person, with no burden of expectation placed on you, who would you like to be? Was there anything in particular you liked doing as a child/teenager, and is it something you might be able to get back into? And then start taking really really small, achievable steps towards that goal.

It might sound stupid, but the thing that got me started was paying more attention to how I dressed. Instead of just throwing on anything that was clean, I started going round charity shops picking up things that were more 'me', started wearing jewellery and accessories, and eventually moved on to actually making my own clothes. Did it do anything to help my career or practical living situation, not at all. But it got me compliments, and also made me feel like I might have an actual personality buried somewhere underneath all the mess, which in turn gave me the confidence to start aiming for bigger things. I'm just giving that as an example to show that even if everything feels overwhelming, you can start very, very small and build from there.

To be honest, for a 24-year-old - which is still very young, though I'm sure you're sick of hearing people say that - it doesn't sound like you're doing badly at all. You have a stable job, which is more than a lot of people do at the moment. It's also completely normal to live with your parents at your age. Most people don't have a 'dream job', and the ones who do haven't usually got it by their mid-20s! In any case, even for people who have their life plan all mapped out, the reality often turns out to be very different from what they expect. We're fed this idea that everyone should be super ambitious, productive and successful at all times, especially if you were a high achiever when you were younger, but in reality most people just aren't like that. It takes some time and life experience to understand that though, so when you're young it can feel like everyone else is living that way and leaving you behind.

I can't tell you whether you might be depressed because I'm not a medical professional, and if you think that could be the case then the best thing to do would be to speak to one. It's certainly something that can make you feel this way, that you've lost your 'spark', and as someone who's suffered from an eating disorder before you might be at somewhat higher risk. But as for general advice - and this applies whether you have a diagnosed mental health problem or not - try not to put pressure on yourself to sort out your whole life at once, and for now just look for little things you enjoy.

That is a fantastic post by psycomath I think what you are experiencing is one of those “meaning of life” existential situations and it really is about going back to basics and finding out who you are, investing in yourself and developing. One thing I would strongly suggest is moving from your parent’s because it can be quite tough to figure out who you are if you are still tied to a childhood version of yourself by being locked into a parent/child relationship.

What is your degree in?

Thank you for your replies, wow @psychomath that made me tear up a bit, what a lovely thoughtful post, thank you so much.

My degree was in animal science (a real degree i promise...think biology meets agriculture) which i know sounds very micky mouse, but it ultimately is a stem degree and was from a 'proper' university. I chose to study this after dropping out of my first degree (a very competitive course at a top 5 uni) because it was making me miserable and i decided i wanted to be happy and study something i actually truly loved, even if it wasn't massively accepted by society. I know a lot of people will be put off by the name of my degree but its a field of study I am really passionate about and dont regret studying it at all.

The whole uni experience really showed me that whatever i'm doing i need my heart to be in it in order to feel fulfilled and do well...i think this is one thing im really struggling with career wise... i want to do something that makes me happy. i know i'm never going to be a 'suck it up and work to live' kind of person, i'd lose my mind, but i don't know what that looks like in terms of a job.

I suppose in terms of things i used to enjoy, all i ever loved and wanted to do as a child was be around animals (hence the degree) and in particular horses. I dont think id like to make a career out of either of those things though as, besides veterinary medicine which definitely isn't for me, the pay is rubbish and opportunities few and far between...i think it will always be a hobby more than anything else.

I have always been an over thinker and am just in such a panic that i should be doing more. But i suppose i do need to be thankful for what i do have, especially right now, and be proud of what ive achieved so far. I have a tendency to catastrophise but i guess i cant fix everything all at once, so will keep ticking over, making steps even if theyre little and try to be a bit kinder to myself.

Thank you again for the advice, has really calmed me down and helped me rationalise a bit more

Are there really no tolerably paid jobs with horses in existence at all? If that’s the area that makes you happy, surely that’s where you need to be? When you say ‘rubbish pay’ how rubbish, exactly?
‘Finding your North Star’ by Martha Beck is pretty good for finding your direction again.

Yeah it sounds like you need to make some changes. Forget pay, you can't be earning that much at the moment pt at a school. I would look for something animal/horse related.

Is there anything self employed you could dabble in related to your degree? Your whole tone picks up when you talk about your degree so it really feels you should be doing something in that area. I’ve no idea what without knowing more about your degree but some sort of freelance agricultural consultant, or animal behavior advisor? Think about what you have to offer, what demand there might be out there, etc. Fill a notepad with random ideas - one of them might just be ‘the one’! If you’re working part time it’s an ideal time to devote a bit of time to exploring something. At best it takes off and you have a successful business. At worst it’s a nice little project to focus on while you get your mojo back.