Give me your best parenting tips for living with teenagers

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14 yo DD is pulling away and it HURTS. I realise that DH and me have made her pretty much the focus of our lives, and I'm finding it difficult to cope with the sense of loss, her moodiness, the loss of our close family bond. What next? I realise I have to let her go, but I'm struggling and would like to hear what has worked for others. Thank you.

It's really hard. I think you just have to find joy in your newfound freedom.

They get older, emerge from the roller coaster years and come back to you - my 18 year old actually now talks to me in a way he never did before. It will get easier.

Oh I feel for you. But it is normal and a sign that things are going right. They need more independence at this stage. I got a great tip from a friend and pass it on. She said: find one thing you all have in common and focus on it. For them it was the family dog! Playing silly games with him so he made them all laugh. For us it was going to plays and art exhibitions which we were amazed to find DTeens wanted to do 9but couldn't afford themselves) We also went for long walks. But many teens would hate this.
You could try pizza and film night once a week. Or joining a gym together and doing three workouts a week. Or having nails done. Or park run. Teach her to bake or cook a dinner for her friends. Take her to some private land and give her an early driving lesson or two.

And pick your battles. I never allowed mine to go down the 'I hate you, now take me to my friend's house' route. I can't stand that level of disrespect and think it escalates if left unchecked. But I never minded helping them tidy their rooms, do their laundry etc. And show her you trust her to do stuff for herself. Allow new freedoms but expect a bit more maturity in return.

Totally agree about finding something in common. In the case of my teenagers it was watching shows we could have not watched together when they were younger e.g. Breaking Bad. Way more bonding than I expected to get wrapped up in an excellent drama.

My husband plays video games with them, which is of no interest to me but they'll be tucked away in different corners of the house giggling together which is nice, albeit in a very modern kind of way.

What Refractory said: find joy in the next phase of your life. Make room for your own interests. And take pride in her growing independence. At some stage it will be possible to have adult conversations, probably even now, in between the moodiness- and those are a joy!

When they do decide to grace you with their presence give them your full attention.
Let them hid a way a bit in their rooms and have increasing freedoms.
Speak to them about chores etc in a similar way that you would with your partner. Work out ways of dividing the jobs that they are involved in the decision-making of they're almost adults.
But confusingly do remember that you are their parent and not their best friend you therefore are allowed to draw boundaries. Just make sure these boundaries are fair. I'm finally realised my 15-year old is allowed to stay up past midnight on weekends.
Apologise if you get things wrong.
Find programmes you both enjoy and watch together.
Make them occasionally do family walks/meals etc but give them lots of warning.
Ignore the tantrums, they cannot help it but need to learn to rein it in so give them space.
Don't throw a tea towel at them and call then a fucking spoilt brat even if they are being.

DS now almost 17 kicked back a bit and he is fine now.
DD has been so much more difficult. I have no advice sorry. She is almost 16 and is absolutely dreadful, especially after her terrible attitude and behaviour again this morning and her telling me she hated me again. I have tried giving her a little bit more freedom but she doesn’t have the maturity to handle it, I have tried backing off a lot telling her I love her and I am there if she ever wants to talk (but this doesn’t work either as she completely goes to ground). I just hope she comes out of it ok. I don’t know whether your DD is the same but mine seems hormone related, except she is dreadful the majority of the time and ok for about three days after her period then goes back to being dreadful (covid, GCSE mocks and hormones is a dreadful combination). I can’t see to do anything right.

The 18 year old (who is just finishing up his English A-level) and I agreed on our most feared book, and we're reading it together over Christmas, like a little book group. His 14th year was agony for me, he barely said boo.

It still can knock my socks off to think of those chubby little body parts that I'll never squeeze again but we have to accept that it passes. What's the alternative? You wouldn't want to deal with small children forever.

I like these replies. They help. The loss really hits you. And sometimes the urge to give them a good shake!

See it as an opportunity to get yourself back. I trained for and ran a marathon the year this started for us, I'd never have had time before.

Mine are 17&19 now and they do come back (or at least 19yo has, I'm still waiting for ds2).

@BecomeStronger

See it as an opportunity to get yourself back. I trained for and ran a marathon the year this started for us, I'd never have had time before.

Mine are 17&19 now and they do come back (or at least 19yo has, I'm still waiting for ds2).

Amazing, I'm so happy for you. That's a good one.

Choose your battles!

My 15yo and I watch TV together every night between 8 and 9 (when I'm not working). We've done Parks and Rec twice, Brooklyn 99, Community, the US Office, The Good Place, 30 Rock, Seinfeld, The Mindy Project and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Now doing Community again.

These are all funny, sweet and feel good programmes that are a nice way to relax and wind down. And for me, one of the great joys of my kids getting older is seeing them laugh their heads off at all my old favourites, it's just such a great feeling (12yo joins us sometimes - he loved Seinfeld, Parks and Community most).