How do I tell them without sounding offensive?

[SwampyArmpits]

Help me out, oh wise Mumsnetters!

Someone I know has been unknowingly - I think! - and repeatedly using a derogatory term when referring to someone else, and it makes me cringe every time I see it happen (these incidents are happening online). I don't think this person has bad intentions, and I know I'd want to be told if it were me making the same mistake, so I'd like to send them a quick message - but how to word it without sounding offensive?! I want to tread carefully, this person and I have interacted before but we're not best friends.

Should I say something - and, if so, what and how? - or should I stay out of it? What say you, Mumsnet?!

[PurpleDaisies]

Also, I have found that some terms are considered offensive in one country, not in another.

Definitely. I had to have an awkward conversation with an Australian friend about using “you s**z”. She said over there it’s a gentle, funny insult similar to “you twit” and was mortified to find out how offensive it was.

[NoSquirrels]

@DanielODonkey

Just use the Inigo Montayo gif "I do not think that words means what you think it means" from the Princess Bride.

Job done.

Do this!

[Mansmansmum]

I'd keep it jokey.
OMG do you know what you've just called X. Y and Z?!! Cringe! Best to avoid that spelling or you'll end up causing offence

[ILoveYoga]

Also meant to add, if they are also mistaken thinking they’re using a new trendy term in the wrong way, wrong circumstance.

People also get confused with what May be acceptable abbreviation or “text speak”

[ErrolTheDragon]

@NoSquirrels

My MIL started using ‘twat’ as an acceptable mash-up of ‘prat’ and ‘twit’ ... so it could be worse!

There's a nice example here on the perils of using words if you don't know what they mean

www.etymonline.com/word/twat

[2bazookas]

@SwampyArmpits

This is really outing, but ok: the person is using "Thot" instead of "thought"

So its just a spelling mistake, not name-calling at all.

[SwampyArmpits]

Jesus Christ, this thread's spiralled out of control at an alarming rate!

Can't please everyone, so I'm going to stick with my original message, chuck a reference to autocorrect in there and cross my fingers.

[LittleMissLockdown]

So its just a spelling mistake, not name-calling at all.

It seems to be. If it was name calling I'd presume they OP would have used a more obvious example but she has said they have used it repeatedly and unless they are constantly asking for people's thoughts I'm baffeld as to how else it's been used.

[wimhoffbreather]

@SwampyArmpits

Here's an exact quote, to clear things up:

"(Tagging 3 women)
Thots?"

Aaaahahahahhaa omg op thank you for the giggles this thread has given me today

[NoSquirrels]

Errol that is - thank you!

[ARoseInHarlem]

Umm, I think the example you gave is of an intentional play on words —actually quite clever—.

I think you might be being a bit presumptuous or naive

[FortunesFave]

Loose women is incredibly twee. Just say what it means. That Hoe Over There.

[tappingintherain]

'Thot' originated from America. Not knowing it isn't about age but about what one is exposed to. Loads of older...even "elderly" American men and women know about it and use it in conversation when referring to "instagram thots", as they are called. Think it's a Hollywood thing now too.

Sadly, there's a famous model called Duckie Thot - real last name. A lot of the young 'uns who generally use the word 'Thot' follow her. I wonder if she's ever received negativity because her last name happens to have become an internet slur.

[FortunesFave]

I think it's HO...not Hoe. Unless we're talking about gardening.

[SwampyArmpits]

@ARoseInHarlem

Umm, I think the example you gave is of an intentional play on words —actually quite clever—.

I think you might be being a bit presumptuous or naive

If you're referring to me, I don't think so - this person's other interactions are quite sincere, they're not really a joker.

[Nunoftheother]

@SwampyArmpits

This is really outing, but ok: the person is using "Thot" instead of "thought"

Well in that case they're an idiot and probably also write "would of", "bought" instead of "brought", "loose" instead of "lose", "abit", "que" instead of "queue", "non" instead of "none", "chester draws" and a thousand other solecisms. So you'd probably be wasting your time.

[SwampyArmpits]

..that's why I think they'd be mortified to know they were using a derogatory term, whether it's a joking one or not.

[SwampyArmpits]

@Nunoftheother Believe me, if they were that kind of person I'd have no qualms pulling them up on it

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

You said they are using it as a slang but now you say they're using thots instead of thoughts? So which is it, an insult or are they using what they think is the 'in' way of speaking thoughts?

Either way, this is a non issue.

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

I just asked my 2 sisters, we are in our 20s & 30s and none of us have heard of the slang/insult 'thot'.

[AcornAutumn]

@PurpleDaisies

Also, I have found that some terms are considered offensive in one country, not in another.

Definitely. I had to have an awkward conversation with an Australian friend about using “you s**z”. She said over there it’s a gentle, funny insult similar to “you twit” and was mortified to find out how offensive it was.

I don't know what this is.

tbh if I'd accidentally used thot for thought, as I do smol for small, I'd know that anyone who knew me would know I was not using the expression that OP says it is.

[Lexilooo]

Now we've got the context I'd reply

"Oi who are you calling a Ho!?"

Or "bit harsh to call xxxxx a Ho!"

She'll either google it herself and be mortified or ask you and you can explain lightheartedly

[Grumpasaurus]

This reminds me when I had first moved to the UK, and had heard the word "twat".

I stupidly assumed it just meant "twit", so used it when ordering lunch in a fairly high level meeting (I think i said "I know i can be a twat, but can I...").

Most people were foreign too, but my boss, who was VERY British, snapped his head up so fast I thought he was going to get whiplash.

Luckily my lovely colleague jumped in quickly and said "I am not sure you meant to say that, do you mean twit?". My genuine ignorance when I said "yes, isn't twat the British slang for twit"... got me out of any potential hot water.

Same colleague's (at the time) three year old very publicly commented on my mispronunciation of "tomato" later that week so swings and roundabouts...

[user117226931]

I don't like your proposed message. It's so passive and your actual message is lost under all the unnecessary "terribly sorry to communicate with you, I have much anxiety about what you think of me, please don't get upset, I don't want to offend you... blah blah".

Just get to the point that they're inadvertently saying something offensive!

[Lavenderfieldsofprovence]

@SwampyArmpits

This is really outing, but ok: the person is using "Thot" instead of "thought"

Well in that case you’re completely overreacting. She probably doesn’t even know what the slang meaning of the word is. Most of us on here didn’t. Maybe she’s just shit at spelling. I wouldn’t mention a thing.