I need some help

[AddisonM]

I’m struggling so much.

I think it’s depression. I don’t know. It isn’t something that I have experienced before.

I can’t sleep. My sleep is a mess. It’s 2.45am and I’m sitting up watching old episodes of Greys Anatomy and drinking wine. I have two small children and I adore them but I’m going through the motions.

I am so demotivated and distracted. I’m irritable and tired. I force myself to do things like take the kids to the park and put the Christmas tree up but all I want to do is lie in bed.

I need to go to the GP. I know this. It just seems so unattainable.

My youngest is three. I haven’t felt like myself since I was pregnant with her. But it’s awful now. I’m fat and unhealthy and my husband is running the show because I just can’t seem to find it in me.

My parents are miles away. I haven’t seen them since June. I won’t be seeing them at Christmas. My dad is so anxious about the virus that they have politely put us off. I feel like they don’t care. Why don’t they want to see the kids? Why aren’t they bothered?

I feel so alone.

I'm sure your parents do care. My mum is the same but she's scared and thinking that there's light at the end of the tunnel with the vaccine so why take risks now?

Oh I'm so so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I promise you that it can and WILL get better. Seeing your GP is an important first step. xx

Hi op.
Sorry to read things are shit right now for you.

I am also sat up watching tv wide awake and have been since 2am.

I suffer with anxiety at times and this year has been really tough.

I'd put the wine down op if you can as the slippery slope is very easy to get into and hard to get out of.

Tomorrow is a new day. When I'm feeling like it I pick something each day to mark as an achievement which can be something like doing my hair and putting mascara and moisturiser on and then going for a brisk walk or half an hour tidying the garden.

It's amazing how much the fresh air helps and it changes my mind set.

Have you spoke. With your gp yet about any help?

So sorry you feel like this, but your gp is the right step. 💐

I am finding the GP thing very hard.

It’s like I don’t know where to start. It’s so hard to get an appointment and I find it so, so hard to verbalise. I haven’t told my husband any of this. We are just...floating along. It’s a pride thing. I feel overwhelmed when I think about it all.

I did have anxiety for months after lockdown started. It seems to have abated and now I just feel nothing.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.
If you don’t feel you can verbalise easily how you’re feeling to your gp, can you either email them? Or just read what you’ve written in your first post.
Do you think there’s any chance of talking to your husband too? He probably knows something is up already. It might help you to know he understands.
I’m also seconding what’s been said about the slippery slope of wine. I’m sure you’re aware that alcohol is a depressant and it really won’t be helpful long term.
Try not to talk the whole Christmas thing too personally, I know of lots of parents / grandparents who are choosing not to see their children this year (including mine). Are they near enough to go for a distanced walk over Christmas?

I know the feeling, and it feels like shit. I also have no way to verbally explain to anyone within a brief appointment how exactly it feels like shit, especially over the phone, so GP is not possible. I also know that the GP will say medication and/ or referral for 6 weeks of CBT or similar. I don't want medication, and I tried counselling via my work employee assistance programme earlier this year and it made me feel worse. I don't have the capacity to feel worse than I do now. Christmas is overwhelming. I don't know what to get anyone, including my DC. We are putting up our tree at the weekend, and it just feels like another thing to do and pretend to be happy about. I just had a week annual leave from work to 'get ready for Christmas' but I also had a DC off school to teach until today so achieved precisely nothing. Sorry, that won't have helped you at all.

No. They’re two hours away. They feel we have made so many sacrifices this year that we might as well wait it out rather than risk someone getting sick at this stage. I guess I understand.

This may sound trite if you don't but are you employed is there any acces to an employee assistance programme where you can access phone counselling, or under your husband's employment. Many aren't aware that it exists.

You sound utterly depressed so please access your GP if not.