Grieving or Depressed?

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My mum died at the end of August from Pancreatic Cancer. She was in severe pain throughout, none of the numerous concoctions of drugs she was given really got on top of her symptoms.

We cared for Mum at home as long as we could until her needs became so complex we found ourselves really out of our depth with the level of care she needed - so she was admitted to a Hospice, where they took over and made mums final weeks as comfortable as possible.

I was ok initially, dealing with the practicality of death and all that must be done and organised. Our family home of 40 years was sold a couple of weeks ago after only 5 days on the market - it was then I was hit with the pain and anguish of grief, nearly 3 months later.

I find myself extremely sad, tearful, very fatigued and feeling actual physical pain some days - nothing has quite prepared me for this. I'm actually traumatised by what I watched my mum go through :(

I have a very demanding, senior management role that consumes all of my time and is for the most part a welcome distraction but at weekends and on the occasional day off on leave I just crash. I opt out of everything that I would normally get involved with and just want to be in bed. I have no energy and feel like I'm faking it most of the time which is exhausting in itself.

Am I grieving or am I actually depressed, so confused? Thx

I'm so sorry, that does sound like a traumatic loss.

I think it's very natural for you to be grieving and feeling the way you do right now.

You are probably right that you are traumatised to a degree (and a symptom of trauma is depression) but it's very early still and the brain is normally able to heal naturally.

Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to without feeling you're having to fake being ok?

I'm not sure that grief and depression can be separated so easily to say that it's one and not the other. Grief can certainly send a person in depression but it's not as if there's a clean line that divides the two.

That said, you lost your mum so recently, and as you say in a traumatic way nursing her and seeing her suffer in pain, I think it's quite normal to be struggling this much a few months on and for that to be just how it goes with grief.

There's help available - have you had any sort of grief counselling or similar to help you process everything and find coping mechanisms? There's also the bereavement board on here that may be helpful to look through.

My mum died almost two years in a sort of similar way - and I am still grieving, you've had hardly any tie at all to process it. Like you, I was straight back to a difficult trauma based job - feeling it would help, in retrospect I wish I'd taken more time out. Have a break and let the grief process

Thanks for replying. I'm going to access some counselling in the first instance. It's true 3 months is no time at all, yet it feels like forever since I last saw her and held her hand and obviously life just goes on around me.

I didn't realise there was a bereavement board I will hop over there, thank you

Be kind to yourself. It's been no time at all since the loss of your DM and family home. It takes some time to process (no-one can tell you how long as every individual differs). The symptoms of pancreatic cancer can be especially hard to care for (DF sadly died from it 7 years ago). I found counselling helpful to process my grief (I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach for a few months). Work is a distraction but do find little things to look forward that give you comfort and make you happy.

Thx Cosy appreciate that