How do I stop caring so much about work?

[OwlOfTheHouse]

Are there any other chronic over-workers here who can help me stop investing so much emotionally?

A while ago, I took up a job role that was brand new to me. It was supposed to be very low hours and low responsibility. I’m fortunate enough to be in a position where I don’t have to work, so the idea was to get me out of the house and earning a bit of extra money.

I tend to get carried away though and, when I discovered that I absolutely loved this job, I ended up taking on a lot more responsibility and increasing my contract. It was fine at first, but now I think it’s starting to affect my welbeing.

As I’m getting more experience and becoming more confident in the role, I’m investing in it more and more emotionally. I’m working a lot of overtime, I’m taking work home with me, I’m doing extra things that aren’t expected of me and I can’t seem to stop. I’m also starting to take little things far too personally and over-analysing everything so I’m becoming convinced my colleagues hate me with absolutely no evidence for this.

It’s not that I feel undervalued. I definitely feel like my colleagues appreciate the effort, but at the same time they don’t encourage it so it’s not like I’m feeling pressured by them. All the pressure is coming from me.

I know the answer is to just stop doing all this stuff, but I can’t work out how. That sounds stupid, I’m sure. Besides, I’m worried that now I’ve set the bar and if I noticeably reduce my effort or commitment, my colleagues will think I’m no longer bothered.

I’ve always hated working and I was so happy to find a job I love. I can see myself having a long career in this area, but I’m sabotaging myself. I already had to leave one job because I overworked myself into a mental breakdown, and I don’t want to do the same again.

Is there anybody who’s conquered this? How do I stop putting myself under so much pressure and feel satisfied with just doing my contracted tasks?

Do you think the problem might not be work specifically, but boundaries in general? I say it based on your comment ‘all this pressure is coming from me’

I set limits & a time I will finish: having set plans some evenings helps me

What do you do that isn't work? I find that it is easy for work to take over unless I consciously make space for other things. If you have a hobby you enjoy, or a friend you want to see etc, ensure you prioritise those things too.

@NewbieManager That’s likely. I had therapy when I was ill in my last career, and the therapist helped me identify my perfectionism. It’s strange because it’s only ever reared up in two areas: study and work. In terms of my home, family commitments, socialising, and everything else in my life, I have no problem sticking to firm boundaries and having a “that’ll do” attitude.

It’s interesting that you and @Takethewinefromtheswine both mentioned making space for other plans. I’ve had a bit of an epiphany from that. Normally I’m very busy socially and I like to experience lots of new things. I travel a lot, visit the theatre, see live music and sports, have a wide range of friends in lots of different parts of the country. Of course this year, that’s all been put on hold.

Although I’ve been overworking for a long time, it’s only been the past month or so that it’s really started to affect me mentally. I’m starting to think the second lockdown has pushed me over the edge. All I do is go to work, go home, go to work, go home...

And now I think of it, my last role was one that is notorious for taking over your life. I was working 60+ hours a week (and commuting 2 hours a day). When I left, I realised my whole identity had been wrapped up in that job. I didn’t just work as that role, I WAS that role. It looks as though the same thing might be happening now with all my plans cancelled.

I used to be very similar, and what did it for me was going self-employed after having my DC. I charged them an hourly rate for work done, and one day it occurred to me that I wasn't being paid for thinking about the job when I wasn't actually working. I trained myself to switch my brain off as soon as I finished work. It took a while but I got the hang of it in the end.

I'm employed again now, and whilst I love the job, I don't invest myself in it emotionally, or think about it when I'm not actually there.

I've been feeling the same about work recently. I work four days per week in a job I can do well without a lot of stress. But in the last few months I've been finding it hard to switch off. I also had a reasonably minor screw up a few weeks back, which although fixed, has been preying on my mind. I think it's misdirected corona anxiety. And in an epiphany from what you posted, I think I'm beginning to tie some of my identity to my job.

Hope you find a way to manage this for yourself.

Thank you @baubling. I wasn't being paid for thinking about the job when I wasn't actually working This will be such a good thing for me to remember. I’m paid hourly so it makes it a little easier to see how I’m only being paid for time in the workplace.

@Barmbraic Thank you. I hope you do too! Definitely sounds like misdirected corona anxiety for both of us.