How did you feel about your DD's puberty?

[Chilver]

Tonight my 9 year old DD pointed out that she has a slight budding of one breast. She asked if you can start puberty young. I reassured her and said that it was completely normal and meant that her body was growing up. She said she didn't want to grow up (normally she insists she is grown up!) and again I just comforted her but didn't make a big deal out of it.

I feel overwhelmingly sad. I don't want her to grow up and feel she is so little still. I feel puberty is just too much right now. It is only just a slight growth, but I can't remember how long these things take!! I don't really remember puberty for me, just that I did get my period young (circa 11?) And was physically very mature quite early (breasts, very curvy). I got a lot of male attention from a lot of older boys and men and was harassed and even sexually assaulted (but all done 'in just!) too many times to count through my mid teens to adulthood. And yet, at the time, I saw it as a rite of passage. Now I know how wrong it all was and I just don't want her to go through the same! Even though I was not 'bothered' by it when I went through it.

As for periods, I have had a horrific time of them since I was 16 - hospitalised, surgeries, years of pain, passing out etc and then many many more serious things all related to my periods.

I just want to cry. Please can someone tell me that despite one breast that may have started to bud, she still has a few years to go before getting periods and developing?

Bump

Pun intended?

@Dawnlassie

Pun intended?

It's a bit odd, you do suddenly realise they're growing. My daughter started developing & having moods that matched my cycle at around 7.5/8, so on the early side of normal. The moods have got worse & I'm expecting periods to start in the not to distant future (as obviously things have progressed since then). She's 10(y6). I find it's kind of exciting at the same time pre teen moodiness aside as it's the start of a new life stage & all that comes with it.

I understand where you're coming from because of the gynae issues you have/ have had (I have problems too) but they aren't us! And if there are problems we can advocate for them & help them because of our own experiences.

I can see what you mean, op. My little girl is only 5 but her friends at school are all into LOL dolls and want crop tops and leggings for Christmas. I just want her to stay little and protected and safe. But, as they say, if you love them, you have to teach them to leave you. I guess we all just have to empower them to be as confident and secure as they can be and reassure them that they will always have you as their mummy. Oh goodness, that's made me cry now! Not sure this post will have helped you, sorry!

I feel this about mine - she is- 11 but seemed to start developing around age of 9. It was slow at first but seems to have speeded up this year and I’m expecting periods to start next year in the next few months but hope she lasts a bit longer. I was 14-15 so this all does seem quite early but within the normal range. It’s good that she’s talking to you about it and hopefully that communication will help.

I'm in a similar boat, so I've just researched this. Average of 2.5 years from first breast development to periods, varying from 1.5 years to 4. Big growth spurt will preceed periods starting.

I feel you op, DD turned 12 today, she's autistic and a very young 12, although secondary school seems to have brought on an attitide 😂.
I also started my periods at 11, dd hasn't so far and I'm glad, although i know it's imminent!
When i look at her i just see my baby!

I think the rule of thumb is periods start 2 years after the first signs of puberty. My daughter started puberty at age 7, we are waiting on a referral to have this investigated as it's too young but like everything else the department is closed for business due to covid. So not only do I have the worry of her going through puberty I also have the worry that it could be a sign of something very wrong with her!

It's a difficult transition but I keep telling myself that she is still my little girl no matter how tall she grows. She will still need mum for a very long time yet.

I had horrendous periods and worked so hard to not let my DDs see too much of the misery, as I did not want them to be influenced by it. So that maybe something for you to be aware of.

I felt a bit sad that my DDs were having to go through all the palaver of periods but tried to stay upbeat. But seeing them grow up and develop as young women was a joy - so there is a compensation.

Puberty is just another part of development though. Like learning to walk, potty training ...
I think children these days are much more open about development so she's probably talking about this amongst her friends anyway, and hopefully your daughter will feel she can confide in you. Don't assume your negative experience will be hers!
My daughter started her periods just after her 10th birthday. She was the first in her peer group. It's never been a big deal (if anything she quite liked being the "expert" amongst her friends!)

If it makes you feel any better, I had to get my first bra at 8 but didn’t start periods until 12 and a half. So quite a while after. I can remember being extremely upset when I started getting boobs and “not wanting to grow up” but by the time I got my period I felt much more mature and wasn’t scared or anything like that. My periods were (and are!) difficult but after 3 months the Gynae put me on the pill feeling it was unfair for me to have to cope with such problems at a young age. This ensured my period problems didn’t interfere with my schooling and normal tween/teen fun so I had a normal school years with regard to that.

What I will say is that my irrational moods and “teen strops” most likely hormones, got stronger at 8/9 and I was pretty moody and didn’t understand why. My mother didn’t understand so reacted especially badly to the sight of my moody face in the mornings and, after years of being wide awake at 6am, I was struggling to get up by 8 for the school run and sleeping in during the holidays. So she might need some understanding in that department!

And don’t do what one of my relatives did, when she does start...

“Well...that’s you a woman now! You can get pregnant now so don’t be going off with men. You’ll have to put up with all this horrible stuff every month for the next 40 or so years haha!”

BernardsarenotonlySaints I'm so glad you've mentioned that your dd's mood swings which matched your cycles. I have a 9 1/2 year old dd with ASD and her behaviour has really deteriorated over the last months and we have also noticed that she's worse the week before I'm due.
I've been saying for ages that she's on the turn and there are other signs but so far everyone else seems to think she's too young??? Really looking forward to the years ahead.

With all due respect and I know its hard, try not to panic too much.

Her experience may not be yours. And even if it is the problem is the pervy men not her or your body

And there is every chance it will all be normal and if its not then there are alot of experts on here who can advise when to seek medical help re problem periods and on the best combinations of protection and pain killers to deal with them. But worry about that if and when it's an issue. Soend your time worrying now akd you will pass your hang ups onto her no matter how much you try to pretend your OK.

9 is a perfectly normal age. Just remind her that 1, 9, 19 90 she will still be your little girl. None of it changes anything.
It happens when it happens, probably wouldn't hurt to get a little prepared. Maybe get her a book to read and a packet of pads for the bathroom cupboard just in case.

The best advice I can probably give is to clear your head of all these strange MN arbitrary age limits and bizarre ideas that certain things are or aren't suitable because of it.

DD started getting breast buds around 9. She's 10 now, 11 next April and I'm relieved to see that they haven't gotten any bigger in the past 6 months. I don't feel as sad now. I did initially, but over the course of a year, I've gotten used to the idea of her developing and going into puberty. Her moods can be a bit soul-destroying, but she has such a beautiful nature (and she's always had a stroppy side) and I find that beautiful part of her nature coming to the fore as much as the stroppy side... it's a sort of very wonky silver lining. Everything is a bit full-on and three dimensional right now; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
It's hard on her and I tend to feel very gentle and sympathetic rather than sad. My one hope is that her body will wait until she's at least 12 for her periods to start. I was almost 16 and I felt really left behind. Looking back, a late start is great, but at the time, I felt terribly 'not part of' something. They get a lot more support at school now than they did in my day. I'm 48 and grew up in California. It was very much not addressed in school the way it is now. We had sex ed, but what we did not have was a 'how to prepare for your period' talk. I had to learn everything through Judy Blume books!
DD's school has made it very clear that the girls are totally supported. It's nothing to be embarrassed about nowadays, whereas in my day, I was so embarrassed. Sad really. I'm glad DD talks openly about it all.

Puberty is starting younger. Linked I think to people being healthier/heavier than previous generations.
Not unusual for girls to be physically developing in yr 5/6. Some girls will have started their periods at primary school.
Keep talking to her and reassure her that it's all perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. Get some sanitary protection in and explain how to use it. I would recommend looking into period pants. Game changer for us. DD uses them and they are zero fuss, clean, comfy and easy.

My DD is 10 and her little buds started at 9. They are now developing at quite a pace. She is mortified by it all and tried hiding needing deodorant and pubes. I actually started my periods at 10 and started secondary school with C cup boobs. I was talking about it with myum earlier. It is horrible seeing DD going through puberty so young. Especially as she doesn't really get it (she knows everything but doesn't want to understand it).

I felt a bit sad for her because she’d have to go through a lot physically and get unwanted attention from disgusting perverts.

I started my periods aged 10 and had numerous other signs of puberty in the 18 months or so leading up to it; my mother appeared to feel this was a major and appropriate topic of conversation with her entire extended family and many of her friends. Whatever you do, respect your dd's pregnancy- very little about it bothered me at all other than the oversharing on my mum's part!

The NHS and other organizations say puberty 'can take up to four years', but all of mine so far seem to be taking longer than that (maybe we're using different metrics and/or we just extend things out here).

There was about 2.5-3 years between my older daughter starting to develop breast buds and when she started to menstruate (which is mid-puberty) and really develop enough for it to be noticeable beyond her being taller than most of her peers. Emotionally, it was noticeable about a year before she menstruated - weepy emotional hair-trigger - and that along with her physical development is still on-going nearly two years later. DD1's better but there are still some things that just set her off and now DD2 has started getting weepy, and DD1 likes to act like her sister's outbursts are the weirdest thing ever . My DS had it too,

I didn't feel much when they first started showing signs maybe as they were so slight and we already had books and other resources to help discuss and prepare them. As they've progressed sometimes I get this bonkers 'I'm running out time, have I done enough' sort of feeling. I do worry about them going through some of the shite I or their father went through (my son shot up early like his father did, and some people it seems like to excuse being nasty to kids with things like 'but you're so tall!), but mostly they've had very different experiences.

If anything, I have less concerns about puberty making them 'grow up' than media/social media/and general treatment from others that is based on how they look (or how some think they should look) rather than holistically. I try to be the balance by openly discussing all that and limiting unsupervised internet/media access.

Puberty is just another part of development though. Like learning to walk, potty training
think children these days are much more open about development so she's probably talking about this amongst her friends anyway, and hopefully your daughter will feel she can confide in you. Don't assume your negative experience will be hers!

This is very wise. And not everybody hates being a young woman. There is more openness out there and often, I think, more determination among young women to stand up and support each other against unwanted male attention.

As parents, mothers in particular, I think we have a great part to play in not making our daughters feel that we think of their changing bodies and minds as something inherently negative. We owe it to them to be excited for them too!

Aww op I can hear what your saying you just don’t want her to have the troubles you’ve had
And it’s so young to start with all this bother Not much advice but a little hug for your own inner child

My dd is just a teenager and started puberty very young. I found it very hard too, and wish she could have stayed my little girl for much longer. But if it's any consolation my dd has taken it in her stride, and I think there is a lot of openness around bodies now that wasn't around in my day. My dd is still very cuddly and loving and I tell her regularly that she will always be my 'baby' even if she is almost as tall as me.

It is hard OP, you have my sympathy, I think the years from 10-20 are definitely the hardest for parents, and possibly often harder for girls, particularly when they start turning into adults so young.

I love small children and I can't deny I am looking forward to having grandchildren one day (obviously not anytime soon!).

A few things:

Can you ask her why she doesn't want to grow up? There might be specific things she's worried about that you could reassure her - e.g. if she's worried about hair or smelling you can point out you don't smell (hopefully !), if they've been shown tampons and they freaked her out you can explain she can use pads and never use tampons if she doesn't want to. If she's worried about periods hurting you can explain there's painkillers and all sorts you can do (more on this later). If she's worried she won't be able to play with toys, you can reassure her - there's all sorts she might have in her head!

Regarding your periods I so totally get you. I'm not married or looking to start a family yet but I have endometriosis (sounds like you may too, or something similar) and it's genuinely led me to worrying about whether I should have kids if I could pass it on. So I really understand your concerns about her suffering like you. But she may well not - I have two sisters. I've had surgery twice and have horrendous periods, one has painful but no diseases and the other has "standard" periods.

Mum has endo and only got told after a hysterectomy, with four kids! So you can also have problems and not suffer too much from them.

That was a ramble, sorry, but maybe it helps

My DD is now 19, she has always been a tiny little thing and was very jealous of her peers who had started puberty- breasts and pubes etc.
Her breasts started growing when she was 12 as did her pubic hair, me and DH got an updated count pretty much every day.
She eventually started her periods at 14 and her height stabilised at 5’1.
Her boobs are 28G and she’s a size 4/6.