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Original poster

cheating partner

15 replies

xLAx · 01/12/2020 10:06

hey everyone, im new here i hope your all well and coping ok with lockdown. im not sure if this is something people will be able to help with but i just need to talk i hope thats ok.

So 4 weeks ago i found out my fiance has been on chat sites for swingers, gay men, emailed women and tried to meet them, he had private photos on the websites and had hundreds of conversations with men. When i saw this i packed his stuff up and threw him out to say im heartbroken is an understatement. We have been together for 4 years we have a fantastic relationship both emotionally and physically. We have a son together and i have two other sons with my ex husband and he has a daughter with his ex wife.

We had a long chat about everything and he said he met went to meet with 6 different people but only 3 turned up he didnt do anything physically but two of them tried with him but he couldnt you know so stopped. This i still cant get my head round but he had something really bad happen to him when he was younger and he said he was doing it to find out if he was gay or if what happened to him was his fault. I then felt like ok that might have been the case lets try and work on it all together he moved back in and hes waiting for counselling now.

Things have been going well but i theres one account i couldnt get into and it always plays on my mind. Anyway last week i just still felt like something was up ive just got a niggling feeling like i had when i first caught him so i started to look deeper and found singles sites for women and lots of other things so i questioned him on it bearing in mind 4 weeks ago i asked him for all cards on the table. He said he couldnt remember these sites after lots of pushing he then admitted to me that he is addicted to chat rooms and has told me he never met any of them. I love him so much and this time im just finding it so hard to get over it all. Hes lied to me for 4 years and even though hes sorry i just cant stop seeing all this stuff in my head. i dont know how to get past it all has anyone else ever been through this.

so sorry for such a long
post x

OP posts:
PheasantPlucker1 · 01/12/2020 10:10

He is still lying.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he will have admitted to as little as possible to shut you up. Saying he "couldnt go through with it..." they all say that. Its lies.

What do you want now? Is it possible for him to leave for a while, give you some time to think and get your head straight?

Hope youre ok, this is just awful and not what you need near xmas!

Krazynights34 · 01/12/2020 10:17

OP - it’s very, very unlikely he went to the trouble of meeting people, with the intention of trying to have a sexual encounter more than once and “couldn’t go through with it”.
That’s the kind of lies that cheating people always spin out.
Have you had STI checks?
If he has been abused in the past or has doubts or concerns about his sexual orientation the decent thing to do would be to seek therapy.
What he has done is lie, cover it up, possibly endangered your sexual health, ignored your wishes, been utterly disrespectful to you and your well-being. And he still expects you to put up with it.
Are you and your children not worth more?
What would you say if one of your children told you their partner was treating them like this?
Just because it’s frightening to leave someone you love doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
I would find this impossible to look past. Why should you?

ShirleyPhallus · 01/12/2020 10:18

LTB

Original poster
xLAx · 01/12/2020 10:20

thank you for your message please dont worry it doesnt sound harsh. I feel the same but at the same time i hate the thought of not being with him. He has got rid of his office and we have had a building built in the garden where he is working now and hes trying everything to make it right. i can see he is sorry but i keep thinking he might stop for a while but then it might start again and it wont be as easy to find out because he will hide it better and has hidden it well for 4 years. He hasnt got anywhere that he can go either. i just feel so lost one day i seem to cope ok then next thing im a mess again xx

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 01/12/2020 10:23

I'm sorry. You will be disentangling yourself from him and it will hurt. Do it anyway.

BoudiccaD · 01/12/2020 10:36

What has he hidden for 4 years? Has he been on these sites for your whole relationship?

MegaClutterSlut · 01/12/2020 10:41

Tbh you are forever going to be trying to 'catch him out' if you stay with him, even if he never does it again, which given the info I expect he will unfortunately. As others say its bullshit that he couldn't go through with anything, they all say that. You deserve so much better then a lifetime of paranoia and hurt

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 01/12/2020 11:21

Get rid, your worth more than a manipulative liar who will always find an excuse for his crappy behaviour

Notsandwiches · 01/12/2020 13:02

I went through this with my husband. In my case, with hindsight, he wasn't sorry for what he did. He was sorry for being caught. We reconciled and that was one of the worst mistakes of my life. Accept this and you're setting out a template for your future relatiinship. Bear in mind that the longer you are together the harder it is to separate. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Original poster
xLAx · 01/12/2020 13:30

thank you for all your messages, ive had tests done and all come back clear. he joined the sites i found girst 8 months ago but i found emails to a women back in 2017 and more in 2018. Then last week found out he was on more but im not sure when he joined them. He said he hasnt used them but i just dont know what to believe anymore. Hes doing everything right now to sort it out but this time im finding it so hard. I feel like the email account he wont let me see has more in it but he said he cant access it because its shut down. i think what hurts the most is the lies but also that emotionally and physically are relationship has always been so good so shy did he do this to me? x

OP posts:
CosyQueen · 01/12/2020 13:40

Op you deserve so much better than this! He is a liar and has proven this to you! If you stay together you will forever be wondering if he is cheating, the trust has completely gone! If he loved you that much he wouldn’t want to hurt you.
I’m so sorry I know it’s hard but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, and you deserve better!

Dowser · 01/12/2020 15:15

A leopard never changes their spots, just tries harder to hide them better
The trust is gone
Honestly you deserve better

Dowser · 01/12/2020 15:20

I was married to a secret cheater
When he finally left after 30 years of marriage what he admitted to was the tip of the iceberg
He’d been with prostitutes in this country, wherever his business took him
He was even on a site for young mothers..when he was in his 50s

I always say..what advice would you give to your daughter

Original poster
xLAx · 01/12/2020 15:40

i really appreciate all of your advice, im going to speak with him again about it all as its making me ill x

OP posts:
GrannieD · 01/12/2020 21:10

I would be concerned that he's moved his office into the garden. If he was trying to prove himself wouldn't he want you to see what he's up to? Sorry to be so negative x

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