Colleague lost her baby 6 weeks ago and asked for space. Should I message her?

[christmascheering]

She's very much still in my thoughts. I am heartbroken for her.

I don't know if we were close or not- had a chat at the photocopier, would have had a chat if we were on the same lunch, but I'd never have messaged her.

We sent flowers and made a donation as a department.

I probably wouldn’t but if you do I would send a message she doesn’t have to reply to (so don’t ask a question)

@ireallyamthewalrus

I probably wouldn’t but if you do I would send a message she doesn’t have to reply to (so don’t ask a question)

This. Just let her know you're thinking of her.

She's asked for space. Give it.

No ffs.

'A colleague has asked for space. Should I totally ignore what she's asked for and text her?'

Don’t message, by your own admission you’re not even her friend. Your reason for messaging is to make you feel better and like you have done something (not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing) but not what she wants.

It's lovely that you're thinking of her but please respect her wish for space.

Nope. You're not close. You're not friends, and she asked for space.

If you've never messaged her before, then this really isn't the time to do it. You're making this about you.

That enough reasons?

@saraclara

Nope. You're not close. You're not friends, and she asked for space.

If you've never messaged her before, then this really isn't the time to do it. You're making this about you.

That enough reasons?

How is she making it about her?

Having been through the horror of losing a child and craving space for a very long time, I lost friends along the way who didn’t have the courage to acknowledge my loss. I’d have been very grateful knowing that someone was thinking about me. I’m not saying she would appreciate it but just giving you my perspective having been through it. It’s a tough balance to get right. I think you sound like a thoughtful person.

I'm someone who has wanted space when having experienced bereavement however, being sent a simple message such as thinking of you in this difficult time would have been hugely appreciated and in fact was by those who did send a simple text.

I've been in your colleagues situation and personally I would have been fine with a 'just to say you're in my thoughts' style message that didn't require a response if I didn't feel like it.

I found that the communication from most people who had been checking in dropped off after a month or so and I felt a bit isolated and a bit like people had forgotten all about what had happened. Obviously they hadn't, people just drift back into their own normal which is fair enough.

I had someone message me out of the blue to say they were thinking of me and it really touched me. We are all different though of course.

It is difficult if they have formally asked for space. You're a lovely person for firstly considering it and for putting so much thought into it regardless of what you decide to do

If you want to message, absolutely ensure she doesn't feel she doesn't have to reply - I would explicitly say something like 'I absolutely don't need you to reply, but just wanted to know you are in my thoughts' or words to that effect.

Send a message like "thinking of you, let me know if you need anything" rather than something that requires a response, she asked for space so you need to give it. It's nice to let her know you're thinking of her though. It's a heartbreaking thing to go through.

I don't think there's any harm in a simple 'no need for you to reply, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'm here if you need me.' message.

I know she's asked for space, but something like that with no expectation of a reply, should give her the space that she needs.

I would.

You're just sending a message, not dropping in for a cup of tea.

I'd be tempted to send her a card if you know her address and make sure you say in a nice way that no response is needed.

After going through my 4th miscarriage last year I would've been so grateful had someone messaged me to see how I was doing. For me it just seemed like as soon as everyone knew my Baby was dead and the pregnancy had ended I was forgotten about and expected to carry on as normal around 2 pregnant colleagues. What made it worse was even after taking 2 weeks annual leave to deal with it, my body wouldn't miscarry naturally so for a further 3 weeks I was working whilst bleeding heavily and cramping badly. In the end I needed medication to speed things along. My own family have never even acknowledged it either. Some days I think there's only me that ever cares, my OH does too but I know he sometimes worries that by constantly thinking about the what ifs and stuff then instead of going forward I'm going backwards all the time and finding things harder to deal with. Did your colleague know the sex of her Baby. I never did so we gave 3 of ours gender neutral names and our last one the nickname we used in Pregnancy. If someone mentioned their names to me or wrote them in a Christmas card I would be over the moon that they were acknowledging them. Maybe just send a text saying Dear person, just wanted to let you know I am very sorry to hear your sad news and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your DH/DP. You could leave it at that or just put if you ever wanted to chat you know where I am love your name. If she does decide to reach out to you and does want to talk about her Baby don't make her feel uncomfortable about it or ashamed in any way. To her talking about them will never be enough.

If you do, I’d keep it very simple:

Just to let you know that I’m thinking of you, no need to reply, just wanted to send you love xx

That way she still has space as you’ve explicitly stated no need to reply.