Being told to get a hobby or be happy with yourself when you feel fed up about being single

[Blocksoftwo]

Anyone else had this and find it hugely patronising?

I’m so unhappy with being single. I have grown to despise it. I am lonely.

I have SO many hobbies, interests, nice home, career, lots of friends. But I’m fucking sad that I don’t have a relationship. It bothers me, I feel left out of things that many people share.

I would only ever say 'get a hobby' as it's a good way to meet people. I'd be annoyed with 'be happy with yourself', though!

I suppose they are trying to help but I can see why it’s unhelpful and upsetting. DH sister has had many periods of being single and I have a lovely friend who was single for 15 years. They were both single in very different ways both were unhappy about it, my friend was sad whereas DH sister became bitter, angry and incredibly unpleasant, she really hated anyone who dared to be in a relationship. Never have I heard so much criticism directed at others.

My lovely friend did end up marrying for the first time at 49 and is still very happy. DH sister remains bitter, she changed when she hit about 40 she had been perfectly fine until then but she has ended up hating the world.

The way sadness manifests itself can vary hugely depending on the person. The only advice I can give having seen these situations unfold is don’t let sadness turn to anger as it’s so destructive.

What would be the right thing for people to say? I suspect it would be different for everyone. Some might prefer sympathy, some might want to stay positive, some might want constructive advice...

I think if you're being proactive about finding someone then people dont really know what else to say to try and help

I do think you need to be happily single before you meet someone though. A friend of mine is really down and desperate for a relationship because she has it in her head that is the only thing that will make her happy. She doesn't enjoy her exercise or time to herself properly and just goes through the motions, forcing herself to do things she doesn't want to while the whole time shes thinking about her lack of relationship

I had this from well-meaning friends loads in my 20s and early 30s but it seems to have reduced hugely since I turned 40. I am quite happy being single and a future partner would have to be pretty special for me to consider cohabiting again, BUT I miss all the nice, boring stuff like snuggling on the sofa and having someone to spend the weekend with.

I don't have any suggestions, OP, but you have my empathy. My hobbies are generally traditional 'feminine' ones (crafts etc) but even when I've joined sports clubs there hasn't suddenly been a wellspring of available, decent, attractive men. They're all married and/or I already know them all - I live in a relatively rural area where everyone knows each other and it's not easy to travel further afield.

Funnily enough, things seem to have gone the other way and now my married/coupled-up friends express envy at my ability to do what the hell I want rather than treating me like a leper because I don't have a significant other and it makes things awkward at dinner parties

Why not stop telling people that you are unhappy being single, that should stop the "advice". If they do say anything just say, oh I'm perfectly happing being single thanks.

I agree it's not helpful. I don't like being single either and lockdown and Covid has exacerbated that. I'm lonely. And contrary to the received wisdom everywhere I preferred being in a bad relationship (he wasn't abusive, just wasn't really interested in me) because at least my life was a bit easier practically and financially.

Like I was unhappy then, but now I'm still unhappy and I also have to put the bins out and be the sole taxi service for teen kids. 😂

What is the correct answer that you want to hear? Maybe you moan about being single too much? I very much doubt people come to you and point blank tell you to get a hobby. You probably keep talking about being unhappy and they don't know what else to say.

What would you like to be said? Not in a patronising if bitchy way, I'm genuinely interested as I never know what to say when a single person brings it up.

I had a friend who was very unhappily single, but her desperation (for want of a better word) and insecure clinginess appeared to scare off any potential partners. I always felt uncomfortable when she complained about being single, even when I was also single because I wasn't unhappy and didn't feel like telling her that her desperation could be the problem.

Another is newly single after a separation, she hasn't expressed unhappiness at being single but has mentioned struggling being a single parent and I'm still not sure what the appropriate thing to say is so have stuck to empathy rather than advice. No one wants advice on being a single parent from someone who hasn't experienced it right?

I agree though, having a hobby isn't a magical answer and past a certain age online dating can get grim quickly!

You are allowed to want a relationship. It is human and natural. They could help you think of a way to meet more men, or help you screen potential matches if you are online dating.

“It will come when you are not looking” is also an unhelpful one. I was actively looking when I met my DH, and if not I wouldn’t have found him!

If you aren’t meeting many single men naturally, you need to think of a way to come into contact with more. There is a perception that to behave that way is “desperate” and you should be “happy alone”. The people who tell you to be happy alone are usually the ones in committed relationships , who have chosen not to be a alone themselves

You don’t need a hobby, you need to extend the amount of single men who come across,until you meet once who takes your fancy.

When unemployed, we approach looking for jobs in a committed and strategic way, and no-one tells you to forget about that for a while and to take up a hobby instead... or that the right job will find you if you start to love yourself...

Of course, there are many people who are happy alone. But you’re not one of them, so you need practical advice, not hobby suggestions.