Why did he do this?

[Heryis]

I was with my DP for just over a year when last December I was placed on a six month stint abroad. He didn’t want me to go but it was crucial to job progression and I wanted to do it, only 6 months. I was due to come back in March for 2 weeks but covid hit. Due to the worst possible time difference, I was finding it almost impossible to keep him happy with our speaking arrangements. He would be upset if I wasn’t available to speak for a day and became suspicious which was draining, I was regularly reassuring him...and it was such a high pressured time with work that I ended up saying to him that we should pick things up when I was back, if he wanted to, and that I had absolutely no intention of dating anyone else and this was purely due to the logistics of having a relationship overseas like this, especially having been so close when both in the same place...he reacted badly, telling me I would never meet someon like him and that I didn’t appreciate what he could do for me (unsure what that meant) and that I may as well forget him as he wouldn’t wait around for me.

I tried my best to talk with him. In the end we said let’s speak and meet when I was back - his last words were that I shouldn’t expect him to wait around. Fast forward to September and we meet up, it’s great again. He gives every indication he wants things to be how they were. We are seeing each other for the next three months and I then find out he’s got someone pregnant in the time I was away...and hadn’t told me despite finding out after we resumed contact in September.

I left him last week and in doing so he’s given me all manner of abuse, saying I had caused this, I didn’t deserve him and that I had made my bed so now I need to lie in it...saying I had hurt him and he could do better and that I had ruined things between us, it was all my fault etc...really angry stuff which seemingly came out of nowhere as we were quite happy from September when I got back. Obviously I couldn’t stay with him once I knew about this but I’m just shocked by the way he kept things from me like this and why the tirade of abuse and blame?!

He sounds abusive. Controlling and abusive. You dodged a bullet.

I just read the first paragraph and wondered why on earth you ever went back to him !
Give your head a wobble, block him and move on.

@crossstitchingnana he was a great partner when I was living with him. It was when I took the stint abroad that it became tricky and it went pear shaped obviously when I called time on things until I was back. I can understand why he would have felt upset, angry, etc about this. I can even understand him going off sleeping with someone else. What I struggle with is this huge blame at my door when I found out his situation

Lucky escape ! Red flags abusive tendancies

he was a great partner when I was living with him. It was when I took the stint abroad that it became tricky and it went pear shaped

In other words, he's nice only when things are going his way.

You're well rid.

Thank God you're not the woman linked to him by a child. You can cut him out cleanly from your life.

So sorry for you, but he should have told you about the relationship he had while you were apart, but blaming you is totally wrong and you have done nothing, in my eyes to deserve to be treated like this and why is he not standing by the woman he got pregnant. He’s obviously angry that his actions have now lost you, but that’s no excuse to take it out on you. I wouldn’t even bother responding to his messages.

@Mindymomo I believe he is standing by her now, though I only know that from social media.

I keep going over the things he said to me and how he could be so nasty given he was the one who had effectively ended us not vice versa. Still in shock I think, i only ended it a week ago

Lucky escape!!

I say lucky escape too. He was accusing you of cheating but he was deflecting on to you, worrying you’d cheat, whereas he was the one cheating. He’s blaming you hoping he’ll guilt trip you, but you’re smarter than that.
Glad you ended.
Find someone who supports you and your career and not someone who wants to hold you back.

It's tough now but in a few weeks you will look back and realise you've had a lucky escape. You are clearly a confident, professional woman with a great career .... he would have been a total drain on your life, totally unsupportive and jealous of your success.

Move on!

He didn’t technically cheat. He was free to do what he liked. I just can’t get my head around the nasty stuff he said once I knew the truth

Look up the characteristics or a 'covert narcissist', particularly the idealise, devalue, discard stages of being in a relationship with someone with these traits.
I really believe you have had a very lucky escape.
I think he is probably projecting all the feelings he has about himself (guessing his furious that none of his plans are working in his favour!)
Lots of self-care and you will emerge from this stronger and with a better understanding of how to recognise and avoid toxic characters like your ex.
Wishing you well.

Classic projection OP. Accusing you of cheating because he wanted to or was. Treating you like shit because he knows he's acted appallingly.

Sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you're well-rid.