How to help DB and DC escape alcoholic wife

[pinkiepromise123]

Posting here for traffic as MH and Addiction boards pretty quiet.

SiL is an alcoholic with several MH diagnoses.
DB rightly or wrongly has tried to contain the situation for many years to protect the family.

They live 3 hours away and SiL has so controlled who DB speaks to that the only people around him now is SiL's family.

DB had to move himself and the DC out of the family home approx 4 weeks ago as SiL is now so disruptive and volatile. She is now drunk 24/7 lurching from binge to binge. Police and ambulances involved several times but she sobers up and is sent home.

SiL has refused all help and has refused to leave the family home.

The only place DB has to stay is with his in-laws and they are part of the problem. Complete denial about how serious the situation is.

DB has now had a breaks down himself and is staying with me but needs to gather strength at some point to get back to his DC.

He is utterly trapped. He goes back to in-laws to be with DC but get zero emotional support and sucked back into perpetuating the situation. I fear this will tip him over the edge.

Or

Stay here to try and regain mental strength but potentially exacerbate the situation by being away and put his relationship/rights with DC at risk.

I just don't know what to do. He has a hearing in Tuesday (formalising court order for DC to reside temporarily with in-laws) and will have representation but has so many questions/concerns. Yet he is petrified of alienating in-laws because they are providing a roof over his head.

Such a mess and he is in such a dark place as can see no way out.

So the children have 2 parents incapable of looking after them? Could yourself or another family member have the children , until your brother recovers from his ordeal, enough to parent? Im assuming his recovery will be simpler than the children's mothers.
He is really in danger of losing his children here. especially if the inlaws are minimising the risk to the children.

@MorningNinja

Ah, in that case it seems the DC are in the best place.

Your DB needs to sort himself out and in the nicest possible way it sounds like you're enabling him.

There has clearly been a lot of intervention and it hasn't been enough to make him smell the coffee. Leaving his job and the area sounds like taking him further away from his responsibilities.

I am thinking I will just take him back and let him deal with whatever plays out, but in the absence of sufficient support I am not sure this is the right thing to do.

OP you said yourself your brother can't even decide his own breakfast, let alone make decisions for his children. It does sound as if he is not capable of being a parent right now, and that his in laws are. Sorry, but the kids need stability and consistency. Not another crap parent. Your brother needs to get himself in a decent place first.

@pinkiepromise123

I literally went up last week to get him and bring him here to keep him safe. I had no ideas how bad the situation was. He has had what I can I only describe as a mental and emotional breakdown due to the interminable ongoing stress of the situation. We have had crisis and home treatment team involved here. He can't even cope with what he wants for breakfast let alone being responsible for his DC.

It is an emergency 'prohibitive steps order' that is placing the DC with grandparents to keep them safe from their mother when she is drunk, but applies the same restrictions to DB as deemed he's not able to care for his DC at the moment.

That is a serious order. It means the kids won’t be moved automatically even if your DB recovers - he has to prove he’s totally able to take care of them independantly and probably won’t get them back unless he has his own place / job etc. I was trying to do this for my DS kids (with custody with me) but had to settle for something less and she was totally off the plot - so please, please just focus on getting support for your DB. His kids are safe with their grandparents for now. If you think they are allowing access to their mum then you can involve social services.

@evrey

So the children have 2 parents incapable of looking after them? Could yourself or another family member have the children , until your brother recovers from his ordeal, enough to parent? Im assuming his recovery will be simpler than the children's mothers. He is really in danger of losing his children here. especially if the inlaws are minimising the risk to the children.

It would be easy to say yes to the children coming here; I love them dearly. The practicalities and realities I guess I would have to figure out. Change of school, totally alien area to them. Average size house here, children of my own.

I just don't know what to do for the best

I just don't know what to do for the best

Support your brother in dealing with his issues. He needs housing and a job and emotional strength if he is to get his children back.

Thank you, I am so grateful for everyone's thoughts. I have had no guidance for myself and am find myself in a horrendous situation I had no idea the severity of only a week ago.

Your DB needs to ask SS what changes he needs to make to get the children back and go from there. He needs to be honest with them about everything and accept their help, despite what a lot of people think, they will help as they want to ensure children can stay with parents when they've made the changes needed.

If the prohibited steps order is for twelve weeks then he has this time before the next hearing to get his life in order and create a a stable environment and to seek therapy if that's what he needs.

It's a terrifying situation to be in but he needs to pull his head out of the sand otherwise he really could lose them.

Good luck x

I believe the prohibitive steps order is until beginning of January

Big mistake if his parents succeed in court. He should be fighting for the children, not them. Tell him to get his own solicitor and do not agree to give her parents anything, temporary or not!!! If he has to bring the kids to your house then so be it!

@Princessbanana the OP said guy cannot even sort his own breakfast out and is having a emotional breakdown. Hes in no fit state to parent so it wouldn't be a big mistake if the ILs continue to have the DCs. Both parents sound incapable.

I’d do as @bounce89 suggests.

Best wishes to you, it sounds tough

I guess further down the line if there is no change, it will need to be investigated whether it's in the kids best interests to come to me or SiL's sister. We are both in a similar position.

The in-laws are 70 and realistically can't be loco parentis for much longer

Focus on your brother getting better.

OP I am so sorry to hear this. I left my alcoholic partner almost a year ago. It is horrendously stressful and I really do feel for you all.

Every decision needs to be putting the kids first. Where will they be most stable, most settled? It sounds like your brother has totally broken under the stress. Whilst he gets better, the kids ideally need to be with the people who can keep things as stable, loving and caring as possible for them.

I hope your brother can get better soon - they need at least one parent they can rely on. Wishing you all the best.

@BritInAus

OP I am so sorry to hear this. I left my alcoholic partner almost a year ago. It is horrendously stressful and I really do feel for you all.

Every decision needs to be putting the kids first. Where will they be most stable, most settled? It sounds like your brother has totally broken under the stress. Whilst he gets better, the kids ideally need to be with the people who can keep things as stable, loving and caring as possible for them.

I hope your brother can get better soon - they need at least one parent they can rely on. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you so much and I'm really sorry to hear you've been through something similar.

I'm still reeling from it all TBH; this is all so complicated and multi layered. I knew there were MH issues but no idea about the scale of drinking. Apparently it's been going for some years.

I totally agree that the DC must be front and centre; and though it's far from perfect, being with the in-laws is probably good enough for right now.
DB is really suffering being away from them though and we need to figure out a plan for him to see them even if he doesn't move back yet.
I just wish we lived closer; it would make it much simpler.

You poor things. I found my daughter (5) benefitted from some age appropriate chats about alcohol and we also found a good library book that she kept asking me to read again and again.

This is it, in case that helps:

Wishes and Worries
Coping with a Parent Who Drinks Too Much Alcohol
By: Centre For Addiction And Mental Health

Sorry I know that's a tiny thing, but I think honest conversations are really important. A lot of damage will already have been done sadly. It's really really important that the kids know the basics (and it sounds obvious to us, but is worth repeating, reassuring often to them) such as - mummy is ill... mummy loves them so much, but her illness means it's not safe for her to look after anyone at the moment, even her own children. We hope mummy might get better one day, she might or she might not. Or she might try to get better and slip along the way. It isn't anyone's fault that mummy drinks too much alcohol, it doesn't mean she doesn't love them etc.

I guess right now the DC need to know how much love and support is surrounding them - they must feel very insecure not being able to depend on either of their own parents right now. I'm glad they have your support!

Quick update
DB has recovered and feeling stronger each day. He Was staying at PiL with the children but when he told them he was seeking a divorce from the daughter they literally threw him out there and then. He had absolutely nowhere to go until a workmate offered his spare room as a very temporary measure.

SiL still in family home, still drinking. Extremely abusive to DB; has destroyed most of his belongings and official documents. He can't get in the house.
The PIL making it difficult for him to see DC even though they agreed at the hearing to let him have unrestricted access.
Utter mess.

The GPS will fight to keep the kids now. They sound like they enable their daughter and support her.

Can your DB play nice, go back to them and profusely apologise, blame Christmas stress or something and take back the divorce comment.

Secretly make plans to get himself sorted and stable In terms of accommodation even if it’s renting for now, speak to a solicitor about the family house and then basically wait until the next hearing.
Hopefully get the kids back and then sort out a divorce?

@Monkeypeas

The GPS will fight to keep the kids now. They sound like they enable their daughter and support her.

Can your DB play nice, go back to them and profusely apologise, blame Christmas stress or something and take back the divorce comment.

Secretly make plans to get himself sorted and stable In terms of accommodation even if it’s renting for now, speak to a solicitor about the family house and then basically wait until the next hearing.
Hopefully get the kids back and then sort out a divorce?

Absolutely enabling her; still in denial over her drinking and I have doubts about them safeguarding the DC around her when she's drunk.

I certainly agree that he needs to get back on his feet and in his own place asap. For that to happen he needs all his personal documents but she attacks him every time he has tried to go round. He's convinced she will destroy his passport, birth certificate etc.

Your thrread title is really misleading.

So it's not that your brother has stepped up to take his children to safety because their mother is an alcoholic, he's let them down just as much and at the moment their best option is the grandparents who will be completely blinkered longer term wrt their DD and will want to facilitate her regaining custody, not your DB.

They threw him out and he just went. Didn't take his DC. He could have brought his DC to you or other family members.

Honestly, sounds like they might just be better off staying where they are, within the maternal family, regardless. Your brother seems to have let go very easily. It does seems that far, far fewer men step up for their children when the chips are down though.

@YoniAndGuy

Your thrread title is really misleading.

So it's not that your brother has stepped up to take his children to safety because their mother is an alcoholic, he's let them down just as much and at the moment their best option is the grandparents who will be completely blinkered longer term wrt their DD and will want to facilitate her regaining custody, not your DB.

They threw him out and he just went. Didn't take his DC. He could have brought his DC to you or other family members.

Honestly, sounds like they might just be better off staying where they are, within the maternal family, regardless. Your brother seems to have let go very easily. It does seems that far, far fewer men step up for their children when the chips are down though.

That’s unfair. If you’d read the thread properly, you’d o ow he had a mental break down after what sounds like years of abuse.

He also can’t just take the kids, the grandparents have a prohibitive steps order which it sounds like he agreed to or let happen when he was mentally incapacitated.

Many abused women escape their abusers but leave their children behind because it’s the only way they can get out.

The children’s dad is trying to sort it out now. Grandparents in denial over their daughters drinking and abuser status won’t fully safeguard those children

OP has he spoken to his solicitor about the access to house issue?

He would be best to report the issue to the police and request assistance to gain access to the property. I’m sure this is something they can facilitate especially with known issues and SS involvement

@YoniAndGuy

Your thrread title is really misleading.

So it's not that your brother has stepped up to take his children to safety because their mother is an alcoholic, he's let them down just as much and at the moment their best option is the grandparents who will be completely blinkered longer term wrt their DD and will want to facilitate her regaining custody, not your DB.

They threw him out and he just went. Didn't take his DC. He could have brought his DC to you or other family members.

Honestly, sounds like they might just be better off staying where they are, within the maternal family, regardless. Your brother seems to have let go very easily. It does seems that far, far fewer men step up for their children when the chips are down though.

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