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Original poster

Mil gets annoyed when I don't visit

11 replies

Littlemissnutcracker · 28/11/2020 23:11

Not looking for advice as such but just need to offload. Dh visits his mother around once a week (I visit my family once a week too just with dc)

I don't go to visit mil when he goes especially at the moment as I am on the front line and they are in their 80s. Anyway today I visited and mil was very nice but said she gets angry and annoyed when I don't visit.

I don't really enjoy the visits though they are nice ople. Mil lives a life of a woman in the 1950s and has no real interests so it tends to be talk about local people I don't know. Religion or similar stuff. I respect them and like them but we have two young dc and I love that hour or two to myself.

When we left today she said I won't see you now until after the Christmas. Dh is highly likely to visit Friday or Sat as usual. He also uses annual leave to bring them to appointments regularly. His sister never visits. I don't think I should be guilt tripped. We have them over for christmas a lot so I don't think it was fair to say see you after Christmas. I laughed and said it's not even December yet.

OP posts:
farawayplanet · 29/11/2020 09:59

Perhaps she believes that you should be more involved in looking after them. Just continue your usual visiting pattern. Don't get sucked into her demands.

M0rT · 29/11/2020 10:06

I can't believe she actually told you she gets angry and annoyed when you don't visit! Way to make you feel like coming more often Grin
Maybe if she lives her life like the 50's as you say she did a lot of running around after her in-laws and is feeling a bit resentful that you are "getting away with" not?
Either way her feelings are her feelings and it's up to her to deal with them.
I don't visit my in-laws any where near as often as my DH and while my MIL would never say so I know she would like me to call more.
I don't want to so I don't really think about it.
When I am in her company I make the effort to engage in conversation and be interested in what she has to say.
Like you we have very different interests and usual topics of conversation but because it's infrequent I can put the effort in.
If I spend large amounts of time with her I can get bored and snappy so best not.

BashfulClam · 29/11/2020 10:30

I’m glad to have an excuse not to visit the selfish boot! She guilt trips DH on a regular basis and is sly and manipulative.

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AnnaMagnani · 29/11/2020 10:39

Did she live her life running about after her MIL, whether she liked her or not?

My MIL finds me v 'challenging' due to my opting out of wifework such as sending all the cards she thinks are vitally important for me to do and I think my DH can do as they are his family.

Eventually I realised that she hadn't really enjoyed most of her wifework but as it was the only option available to her she had committed to it 100%.

Seeing me, and even worse my DM who is even older than her, reject this way of life is v upsetting for her as then what was the point of her doing all that tedious shite for a man who didn't appreciate it anyway.

Your MIL is of a generation where she wants to talk to a woman, she doesn't get to talk to her daughter and she had an expectation that her DIL would do this because she did and was prob guilted into doing it in her turn.

Whether you now go more often is up to you, but you could feel compassionate for how she has ended up where she is. I've found this has helped me cope with mine better than I did before.

allhappeningatonce · 29/11/2020 12:40

I'd say she's still an Irish mammy and thinks you should go everywhere with her son! Sure if the kids go & you go every now and again I wouldn't see any reason to worry.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/11/2020 12:45

@Littlemissnutcracker

Not looking for advice as such but just need to offload. Dh visits his mother around once a week (I visit my family once a week too just with dc)

I don't go to visit mil when he goes especially at the moment as I am on the front line and they are in their 80s. Anyway today I visited and mil was very nice but said she gets angry and annoyed when I don't visit.

I don't really enjoy the visits though they are nice ople. Mil lives a life of a woman in the 1950s and has no real interests so it tends to be talk about local people I don't know. Religion or similar stuff. I respect them and like them but we have two young dc and I love that hour or two to myself.

When we left today she said I won't see you now until after the Christmas. Dh is highly likely to visit Friday or Sat as usual. He also uses annual leave to bring them to appointments regularly. His sister never visits. I don't think I should be guilt tripped. We have them over for christmas a lot so I don't think it was fair to say see you after Christmas. I laughed and said it's not even December yet.

She’s in her 80s and earned the right to voice her opinion. You don’t see her (and I presume your kids don’t either) and she has told you how she feels about it. What you choose to do with that info is up to you but it’s possible, at her age, she doesn’t view CV as a threat in the same way as you do - so you need to decide whether it’s worth staying away to protect them or better to visit and make them happy.

In the meantime if these were my inlaws I would try to make sure she sees her grandkids regularly. Can they go with your DH when he visits?

RednaxelasLunch · 29/11/2020 13:00

@GrumpyHoonMain the DC go every week!

Ragwort · 29/11/2020 13:05

You are choosing to let her 'guilt trip' you, it wouldn't even occur to me to feel guilty, she is seeing her DS and her Grandchildren - if that doesn't make her happy that's her problem, not your's.

DartmoorDoughnut · 29/11/2020 13:08

I like my ILs and I still don’t go when DH takes the boys to see them, it’s my time off and I get the house to myself and it’s bliss!

Sewsosew · 29/11/2020 13:27

My MIL hated it when I visited but hated it more when I didn’t. I think she couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t blindly follow DH around and actually not mind being home for the weekend on your own.
She was also someone who had no hobbies or interests or really any friends. It was unimaginable that others did I think.

Original poster
Littlemissnutcracker · 30/11/2020 00:05

Dc see her a lot. When she married she moved in with her MIL and did so until dh grandmother passed away. She doesn't drive and dh father snaps at her to get tea or tuts when the food isn't right. They are very nice to me but I just don't enjoy it there. I get a run down of all the people in the area and big scandals (that are not scandals at all but generally make remarks / quite sexist outdated views)
The dc love them and I respect the ways they grew up. I know I should visit more but I hate that her own children don't visit more. The sons in law are never expected.

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