TW. Rape. Do you ever get over it?

[Iwonder777]

I haven't.

And it pisses me off no end.

I wish I could speak to him.

Tell him
How he made me feel.

In an ideal world, he would care. Say he was fucking sorry. It would help.

Entitled ass holes.

It's still happening. How can we protect our young?

Have you sought therapy op? I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think we need to teach our girls that they can say no without feeling guilty. They should not feel pressured into doing anything they're not comfortable with.

Boys should be taught respect of personal boundaries and that no means no.

There is more of course but I am thinking of rape within a relationship.

Yes, I have. It was a long time ago now and rarely even crosses my mind

Therapy is the best you can do. I’m still waiting for mine to start (more than a year after asking for help), so I can’t say for certain how effective it might be.

Talking to your rapist is unlikely to help, even in the extremely unlikely event that he says sorry.

My physical flashbacks have stopped, thank God, but the fear remains.

I guess it depends what you mean by "get over it".

I consider myself healed, on the whole. I rarely think of it, because I don't need to. It's in the past. I still have the scar tissue, though, and I always will. It's still unsettling when I do talk or think about it. But I have the choice about whether to do that and mostly I don't need to.

If you are struggling, some professional help can be invaluable. I had trauma CBT, plus time, plus support from DH and trusted friends.

Ime, no, but I also know that others are luckier than me.

Ps. Feel free to write down everything you want to say or do to the perpetrator. I did, in a private journal. I also did some physical stuff to get the anger out that my therapist suggested and it really helped. PM me if you like.

I haven't been raped but I was sexually abused as a child.
I don't think of it day to day but it will never go away fully and sometimes I feel a lot of rage.
I have a boy and a girl.
My son is old enough to now learn about respecting peoples boundaries and I hope he will grow up to be a decent man.
I love my daughter, she's only a baby but I find myself almost regretting bringing her into the world and exposing her to the risk... I wouldn't be without her but I feel guilty and afraid for her future.
I'm worried of how I'll strike the right balance of protectiveness and smothering her!
I'm sorry that happened to you, he's a bastard but you're not and I'd rather be you than him

@Iwonder777, in my case it was a stranger, so I never saw the rapist before or after. It must be awful (in a different way) for you to know him. In my case, things that helped were passage of time, having good support network, being able to talk about it, being able to connect with others on aftersilence.org. It was many years ago, I never had therapy (it was not really an option then), but it is obviously a huge help to people.

Also, I realized that it was nothing that I did, all the blame is with the rapist, and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

In my case, I think yes I have got over it. It’s over 20 years ago now though.
I think it has been a gradual process and there are still a coupe of things that I can’t cope with if they happen.
But I hardly ever think of it. Even on Christmas Day which is the ‘anniversary’ it gradually went from being the first thing I thought about, to remembering later and now I don’t really connect it.
I haven’t had counselling but if you think it would help then try it. If it doesn’t help then you tried.
I’m over wanting an apology, an explanation etc. I know it won’t help- people that do this kind of shit to people honestly don’t care. They live by different rules to decent people so I have just come to terms with the fact that he’s an arsehole. If he was the sort to care or apologise he wouldn’t have ever done it.
This doesn’t define you, it defines him.

I consider myself healed, on the whole. I rarely think of it, because I don't need to. It's in the past. I still have the scar tissue, though, and I always will. It's still unsettling when I do talk or think about it. But I have the choice about whether to do that and mostly I don't need to

Yes, I agree with this. 16 years ago for me and I don’t think you ever “get over it” as such- it’s always there- but for me it’s not something I often think about

Yes but it was a long long time ago.

I understand the desire to want to have a go at him but it won't help.

It did affect long term in that I had never before really understood that when it came down to it, pretty much all men could overpower me and I'd not be able to do anything.

Promiscuity is a common reaction as well.

It's all a bit messy really sad real life isn't how it's supposed to be for women iyswim.

Anyway when it crosses my mind now I feel no upset anger really. I mean obviously he was an areshole and I'd still like to hear something awful happened to him but that's a sort of statement of fact not an emotional thing.

Took 20 years though. But yes it does fade. You do change though, how can you not.

I manage day to day but inside I'm seething. He's a family member. Other family members know about it. They've done fuck all and won't support me.
Protect our young by:

• calling out men, teaching our boys that it starts with locker room banter and it's not acceptable. Tell them to call it out too.
• empower girls to speak out. Empower them not to go along and be the nice girl who pleases her man and gives into pressure.

Change the narrative around women - define what they are and value them and their bodies.