Teenage sex

[freetime27]

I'm the single parent of a 15 year old teenage son who's girlfriend is also 15. A couple of weeks ago he asked if his girlfriend could come over. She's now been over at the weekend quite a lot although she goes home in the evening. They are fond of each other and stay in his room and she goes home at night. They are obviously njot just playing Monopoly!! I've had the 'talk' with my son and have said no sex here until they are 16. I must say I'm confused as to what to do. Any advice?

Buy him condoms

Be pleased that they feel they can have sex in your home and not in doorways and , yes, buy him condoms. Explain the resultant complications should she get pregnant.

No offence OP but they'll have sex where they like when they like regardless of what you say. Make sure there are condoms available.

No offence taken

Buy condoms

Have the safe sex and respect talk

And yes they will be if they want to be having sex regardless of what you say and whenever and wherever they can

Young love

I can see I am going to be the exception on this thread but I don't think 15 year olds are emotionally ready to have sex and there is no way that I would be facilitating that in my home by buying condoms or allowing them upstairs alone. That's our own firm boundary, but everyone must do what they see fit.

My dd had a bf when she was 15. We knew his parents, they shared our concerns, and she stayed over at their house with a load of other friends and older brothers and parents supervising. I would have been pretty unimpressed tbh if they had allowed their son to invite our dd in his bedroom with the door shut. When he stayed with us, he participated in family activities, stayed for meals, stayed over in tent a couple of time with other lads, while the girls slept in the house, and he joined us on day trips etc. But on the days when they were just hanging out, watching films etc, they had to be in a public area of the house and not upstairs.

If this makes me an old-fashioned witch then frankly I don't care! Happily, my DD was happy with the arrangements and boundaries put in place. Imho there is loads of time for older teens to have sex when they are at university, when they are living independently and have the maturity to handle a sexual relationship and not give in to pressure to do anything they don't want to do. And any potential consequences like STDs and accidental pregnancy. And frankly I wanted my daughter to concentrate on her schoolwork and female friendships at the age of fifteen.

Op it's your house, your rules, so I would go with what you and your oh personally feel comfortable with. Different parents have different rules so discussions have to happen. Don't be worried
about being a parent and saying 'no' if that is what you feel needs to happen. If you think things are getting too heavy then you need to talk to your son and put your own boundaries in place.

And I would encourage the gf over to your house as much as possible, try and make sure there are interesting things for them to do (although this is difficult currently) and don't encourage or discourage the relationship. Just be welcoming and friendly like you would to any other friend and keep all lines of communication open.

I was no wild child, far from it, I was that bookish quiet girl. But l was having sex at 15 (40s now, with professional job and no regrets); my hormones were bubbling.

Mum, very much a feminist, could be quite strict, was annoyed when she first found out, not that l was having sex, but that l hadn’t told her and that elder sister knew too.

She made no attempt to stop me, thinking that would be futile and supported my own welfare and well being ensuring that l was not being taken advantage of, he was a nice boy.

The key thing was that mum and l had a good teenage/daughter relationship, with friends of my own age, with their parents, it was often falling apart. And did you know it, with mum, if you had not done your homework.

She passed away some years ago and l thank her for the appropriate support.

I think it’s different today, especially with boys (l just had one sister) and porn influence so widely available, the vital thing is teaching and maintaing respect for girls/women.

As for those who say my house, my rules, it is a shared house with whoever you brought into this world. You (where ever possible), give them life and home.

As for those who say my house, my rules, it is a shared house with whoever you brought into this world. You (where ever possible), give them life and home.

I agree with this and we have a lot of discussions and debates in our family where I think I can honestly say the pov's of every member of the family is taken seriously. Sometimes however, it is incumbent upon a parent to say "no".

@Intothesheepfold - of course it’s incumbent for a parent to have to say no, that’s inevitable. In particular on grounds of safety. Communication is key.

Likewise, it is important to try and prevent needless barriers, it’s all a balancing act. And there are lots of worse things they could be doing than having sex. But there must be no double standards between genders either; l’m not suggesting you are proposing otherwise here.

I don't think teenage boys are truly aware that once a girl is pregnant they have NO say in whether the baby is born or not, but they have half the responsibility. I would have a serious discussion about abortion, and how his girlfriend saying she will have one is not something that she will necessarily follow through on.

If he has sex, the ONLY moment he has input into the decision about whether he has a baby is when he decides whether to use a condom.

Lots of grown men don't understand this, so I don't think 15 year olds necessarily do either.

Totally agree about communication being key Starlightlady.

I also agree in theory about double standards but am also aware of the reality that women suffer disproportionately in terms of violence within heterosexual relationships and I want my DD to be aware too. Also, about the malevolent influence that porn is having on female sexuality, something most boys are exposed to disproportionately and as a matter of course via smartphones.

Also, it's a matter of biological fact that women are disproportionately affected by an unwanted pregnancy.

Also, we live in a society which uses sex to sell: music, clothing, cars, a bewildering array of products. Children are bombarded with highly sexualised images from an early age. I am far from a prude - I want my dd to have a healthy and happy sex life when she is older - but I do think parents need to present an alternative view which counteracts the objectification of women's and men's bodies for profit.

I think the above reasons, aside from the fact that it's illegal, and I think few 15 year old dd's are sufficiently confident and emotionally mature to engage in a sexual relationship on equal terms with even the most respectful of boys , and if they are, they are certainly not in a position to handle the practicalities of an unwanted pregnancy - are why I personally think underage sex should be discouraged.

@Intothesheepfold - We have different views on the best way forward, but on so much we are so on the same page, maybe we should be in government and demonstrate true collaboration.

As an aside, when l was 15, l was living in France, and not technically underage. Not withstanding that, l think there is a huge difference between a 15 year old in a stable “friendhip” with someone of similar age, than those much younger which the law was righfully designed to protect.

No household mixing?

Anyway, I’m a teacher, you are facilitating them having sec if you go ahead.

And at 15 this would be a safeguarding issue. Yep 15 year olds have sex, but the age of consent is 16.

Who would like to guess there was some sneaking to the tent and back during the night?!

I have two 19 yo sons, what you describe wouldn't be a problem for me provided he has access to condoms and understands about respect, saying no and the problems unwanted pregnancy can bring.

If they wait until 16 then all the better, but personally I'd rather they were safe in my house than in a park or whatever.

@PurrBox

I don't think teenage boys are truly aware that once a girl is pregnant they have NO say in whether the baby is born or not, but they have half the responsibility. I would have a serious discussion about abortion, and how his girlfriend saying she will have one is not something that she will necessarily follow through on.

If he has sex, the ONLY moment he has input into the decision about whether he has a baby is when he decides whether to use a condom.

Lots of grown men don't understand this, so I don't think 15 year olds necessarily do either.

This, absolutely this. They must have contraception in place so I would be making sure he has them even though I would want him to wait.

This, absolutely this. They must have contraception in place so I would be making sure he has them even though I would want him to wait

YY and an understanding that contraception can - and does - fail.

Who would like to guess there was some sneaking to the tent and back during the night?!

There definitely was but us parents were (strategically ) tiptoeing about too! (Have animals who need attention in the night, or what counts for the night as a teen anyway.)

@Intothesheepfold - We have different views on the best way forward, but on so much we are so on the same page, maybe we should be in government and demonstrate true collaboration

Definitely up for it if you are