Is this just infatuation or what?

[phoebeorphoebo]

I have been struggling for a while with anxiety, and depression . I’ve been my mum’s carer for years and years, and struggle very much . I do get some support but not a great deal, and at present I’m living with mum which doesn’t help - we don’t get any time apart. No privacy or space . Mum doesn’t like me doing stuff without her sometimes as she gets lonely and anxious I think .

I have a very good friend (female), very close to her. She’s twenty years older (I’m late twenties) . I’ve known her years .

I’m finding recently I’m thinking of her all the time and finding any excuse to think of her or text (I don’t!) . I love her to bits, basically .

I’m not attracted to her or anything, I don’t ‘fancy’ her but if I could I’d spend every minute of the day with her . She makes me feel safe, loved and protected . She’s always there, she’s not demanding anything off me, she’s much more ‘adult’ than me . In my mind she’s almost perfect, which obviously isn’t at all realistic !

None of that is there at home; my mum needs a lot from me, she doesn’t do cuddles, she doesn’t always have the ability to do mum things . She can’t help or give advice much . She’s wonderful and does her best but because of her disabilities/ illnesses she struggles so much .

I don’t have a relationship with my father, and no proper relationship with other family . I don’t have much of a social life .

It’s like this other woman is filling a gap .

I don’t think it’s totally mutual. She’s very caring and tells me how important I am to her, says she feels she can tell me anything (and has - has shared very private things with me), when we were allowed we met up a lot for coffee etc . Always texts and checks I’m OK .

But I think she’d be bewildered if she knew how much I think of her . It’s almost like a teenage crush .

Does it sound like just loneliness/that I need to get a hobby or something ? I feel almost guilty and quite confused and worried about it all and not sure what to do .

Oh bless you ,it does sound like you're very lonely .I'm really sorry - you sound like a very kind ,caring daughter .

Thank you , have had a long day and overthinking things a bit maybe . I’m not sure how to even begin fixing it all, it seems too huge sometimes to know where to make the first step .

Are you maybe projecting the "mum" role onto her? She's older, she cares about you, she looks out for you, and you feel secure when she's around as she's a 'proper adult', etc.

Caring is so difficult and burnout is a very real problem. Do you have any carer's support? It may be the case you need someone to speak to in order to offload and to learn to manage your anxieties. I'd recommend perhaps self-referring to Talking Matters and also looking into your local carers network to see what support they offer locally

Yes I’m definitely projecting I think . It’s like I want her with me 24/7 because I feel more capable, and happier, safer if she’s there .

I used to have carers support when I was younger yes, but not for years - what is offered locally seems very geared towards much older people (eg it was all based around Alzheimer’s disease, power of attorney, bereavement and loss etc) . Thankfully I’m not in that position and God willing won’t be for years, but it’s so hard .

Mum says I’m not her carer - but then she has short term memory difficulties, can’t use a mobile phone, can’t do banking, can’t go out alone much, needs help of some sort every day . She used to get very upset when I got offered help when I was a teenager so have tried not to pursue much as an adult, but yes burnout . I’m overwhelmed by a lot of it and so desperate to find a way of just being her daughter .

I might not have got this quite right but aren't there now new rules for carers who can now meet up with a friend ?

I really have no experience of your other difficulties but maybe as a short term solution for you in these really difficult times you could still meet up with your friend and find companionship there which would help everything else seem a little less lonely. Good luck

I’m finding recently I’m thinking of her all the time and finding any excuse to think of her or text (I don’t!)

She makes me feel safe, loved and protected . She’s always there, she’s not demanding anything off me, she’s much more ‘adult’ than me . In my mind she’s almost perfect, which obviously isn’t at all realistic !

When you're thinking about her, is it really her you're thinking about or imagining talking to or is it more that she represents the safe, comforting, supportive presence you need in your life?

Do you play through these conversations as if you were talking to her or is it more like a bullet point list of reasons to make contact?

So is it more like you have a mental image/character inspired by her / your relationship that helps you feel safe and cared for, and helps you to self-soothe?

Forgive me if I've misunderstood, that's how it's coming across to me. If that is what you mean, then I don't think it's particularly unusual or sad especially given the circumstances and that this is all internal not spilling out into your interactions, although I appreciate it's unnerving you a little.

It might just be your brain trying its best to take care of you and formulating a more caring relationship with yourself. Maybe right now you need to be able to mentally visit a connection with/based on someone that makes you feel cared for (feeling cared for does soothe the nervous system), but in time you'll be able to do that more on your own account without needing a mental "figurehead" to act as a go-between between you and self-compassion. You'll just be able to treat yourself in these kind, protective ways that bring comfort.

Also, it's normal to mentally visit our connections/relationships with other people whether they're still physically in our lives or not. Whether that's revisiting past memories or imagining them with us or pondering what they might say about something. That's just part of being human.

If that makes any sense whatsoever.

@user1825894133270

I’m finding recently I’m thinking of her all the time and finding any excuse to think of her or text (I don’t!)

She makes me feel safe, loved and protected . She’s always there, she’s not demanding anything off me, she’s much more ‘adult’ than me . In my mind she’s almost perfect, which obviously isn’t at all realistic !

When you're thinking about her, is it really her you're thinking about or imagining talking to or is it more that she represents the safe, comforting, supportive presence you need in your life?

Do you play through these conversations as if you were talking to her or is it more like a bullet point list of reasons to make contact?

So is it more like you have a mental image/character inspired by her / your relationship that helps you feel safe and cared for, and helps you to self-soothe?

Forgive me if I've misunderstood, that's how it's coming across to me. If that is what you mean, then I don't think it's particularly unusual or sad especially given the circumstances and that this is all internal not spilling out into your interactions, although I appreciate it's unnerving you a little.

It might just be your brain trying its best to take care of you and formulating a more caring relationship with yourself. Maybe right now you need to be able to mentally visit a connection with/based on someone that makes you feel cared for (feeling cared for does soothe the nervous system), but in time you'll be able to do that more on your own account without needing a mental "figurehead" to act as a go-between between you and self-compassion. You'll just be able to treat yourself in these kind, protective ways that bring comfort.

Also, it's normal to mentally visit our connections/relationships with other people whether they're still physically in our lives or not. Whether that's revisiting past memories or imagining them with us or pondering what they might say about something. That's just part of being human.

If that makes any sense whatsoever.

That makes sense yes.. I think it’s a mixture of both, we do text most weeks but that does make sense, thank you

That does explain it really well, it is like self soothing in a way yes . Thank you !

Re meeting up - I think she’s quite reluctant as both ‘vulnerable’ and surrounded on both sides by more vulnerable relatives unfortunately . Hopefully once we are out the other side !!