Sending a child to a school they don't like

[Sometimesonly]

Hoping for some mumsnet wisdom as I am going round in circles. First of all, I am not in the UK. Here, after elementary school children go to middle school for three years. Our local middle school is dire. My eldest son went to it and hated it. I hated it. It was a stressful three years. My youngest two are going to middle school next September. My plan is to send them to our local private school for three years and then go back to the state system (lots of people do this as it is generally agreed that the middle schools are crap!) They really don't want to go - they want to go to the crap middle school with their friends! It is a big stretch financially to send them to private school (I am taking on extra work) and I am not sure I can cope if they hate it anyway. My question is: how much do you trust your kids to make the right decision re: schooling? Should I insist on private or let them go to the school I don't like? (Would also be interested in knowing how much private school costs per year in the UK to get some idea - thanks!)

Oh, tough one.
Have they seen the alternative school?
Do they know why you are proposing it?
Do you know who else would be doing a similar plan - ideally some of their friends!

Aged 11, I wouldnt give kids the final say if their choice is unacceptable. We filtered the schools to 2 acceptable ones we thought we would get into on distance (other local choices were likely to ge too far and dire), and let DS choose the order, having talked it through with him.

How old are they when they start middle school?

They will be 11 when they start. They have seen the private school and didn't like it. Unfortunately they won't get a chance to see the local state school until after the deadline for the private school has passed. They know why I prefer it but they just really, really want to be with their friends (none of whom are going to private school) and DS says he doesn't think he will fit in at private school as we are not posh enough!

I was at a ‘normal ‘ school here in the U.K. I did my first two years of high school there. I loved it. Had tons of friends. But I was in the bottom groups of everything and I got the level of help I needed and wasn’t seen as stupid.

My parents then moved me to a private school. Small classes. I was the only ‘thick ‘ one on the class. Nowhere near the resources my other school had.

I hated every min that I was there. I was called stupid and an idiot and was bullied. My parents didn’t have the money that everyone else had. And I couldn’t do any of the trips.

I am a creative person. But my school didn’t do art. I ended up not doing what I wanted to. I have never forgiven them.

Happiness makes school easier. And being somewhere that u fit in is very under estimated. I missed out on so much so my parents could tell people their child went to a private school.

I missed my friends. And the things I should have done as a teenager as I had no friends and couldn’t do anything I wanted to do. If anyone had given me the choice I would have desperately stayed where I was.

An added note. We didn’t have the fancy cars. Or the fancy house. I didn’t go on any of the trips as we didn’t have the money. Teenagers are cruel. And they picked everything I didn’t have and used it against me.

I would make this decision based on them - a lot of your post is based on your eldest and your experience at the middle school not on your youngest two who are different characters and going to the school with different characters.

You are running the risk of the same experience as your son listen to them and then make your decision based on them

@Paranoidmarvin That sounds really tough. Part of the reason I want them to go to the private school is that they will get to do art and music that they wouldn't do in state school! I have found out about trips and there are no "exotic" expensive trips so that is not a problem.

@Quartz2208 Very true. But the school is so horrible! All broken down and vandalised and generally grim....

How easy would it be to pull them out of the school and send them to the private? I knew a few boys at my school whose parents did that as they didn't like the environment of my school.

It did seem like the boys at my school were more likely to fall into a bad crowd and not do their work whereas the girls seemed less affected by the disruption. Obviously I don't know if that's just the case with boys and girls or just how it was at that particular school.

In this scenario I’d send them private

The only reason they want the middle school is to stay with friends s

If the middle school is really rubbish then I’d send them private

I moved my two children private in September as their state school struggled with lockdown.

They weren’t happy but have now settled well (age 6 and 8)

It wouldn't be easy to move once they've started. All our local schools (private and state) are oversubscribed.

In my not London city there are about eight private schools at £12-14k a year, with two or three at more like £25k. That’s for day pupils.

@SnuggyBuggy I am more worried about my son - I think he would struggle with the state school if he didn't like it (or more likely just give up!)

@GreyishDays Wow! This is more like £4,500 a year.

Then if it is that bad you wouldnt want to send any child to it let them give it a try

BUT it is tough being the child at private school who doesnt feel they fit in that can be a very lonely place as well

They will make new friends at the private school and can still see their other friends out of school. You know best when it comes to their education. Kids aren't qualified to pick their own schools at that age, as they're thinking about the social aspect and not the education.