My dd is so sad and I’m not sure how to help her

[Whatsthetime2]

My dd is 25 and has dyspraxia, autism and Crohn’s disease. Understandably, in general she finds life quite difficult but is normally quite happy. Over the last month or so she’s become really upset that she isn’t a child anymore and that she never will be one again. She talks about things that we used to do when she was a child a lot at the moment. She cries a lot about it and says that she would give anything to go back to being a child and that life isn’t the same now that she isn’t one. I struggle to comfort her when she is like this as I can’t make it better for her. She (like most other people) has found this year difficult and I wondered if this is just a way of her anxiety/distress showing itself. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar with their children and if so, did anything in particular help? Thank you

If she had a childhood hobby there's no reason to give it up, even if she had a favourite toy theirs no reason not to play.

Maybe not shout it from the roof tops but have you seen those life like dolls, and the price of some Lego, crafts are still doable?
Not to mention men playing with trainsets, modeling etc

Over the last month or so she’s become really upset that she isn’t a child anymore and that she never will be one again. She talks about things that we used to do when she was a child a lot at the moment.

I can't offer any advice, only sympathy. Her age and this stood out. Are any of her friends pregnant or with young DC? Or getting married/ settling down?

Could you plan to do a Christmas like when she was a child? Get her excited about it?
Stocking and an advent calendar that you secretly fill up when she’s asleep, baking and crafting..? Not pretending she’s still a child as such, but just re-creating the childhood/ family magic of Christmas and spending a lovely month together planning? Lots of Christmas film nights and hot chocolates? It’s just a short term idea but here’s hoping everything seems brighter in the New Year anyway when the first round of vaccinations have started and people can think ahead again.

Counselling. It's very common for autistic women to long for childhood, if their's wasn't too awful.

She's probably feeling the weight of adult responsibilities suddenly creeping up on her. Such as managing her own health, finding and keeping a job, 'keeping up' with her friends socially as they move on to grown up lives. It's a big deal for most late teens/early twenties anyway, but this year with all the uncertainty about the economy is going to be even harder. Have you talked to her about what she'd like to do with her life? Has she got friends and a career already?

@Hailtomyteeth I wondered about this but didn’t want to jump to conclusions or make it into something it wasn’t. Her early childhood, up until her teen years, was good. She was really ill throughout her teen years with her Crohn’s disease and was bullied quite badly at school. She sometimes says she wishes she could do her teenage years again so she could do it right this time.

Is there something in particular she’s missing or is it the lack of direction and control that being an adult brings? As a child we are usually cocooned by our families and school in terms of following a set pattern and when we are an adult the lack of constraint can feel weirdly frightening especially for someone with autism as those with autism often like the feeling of boundaries / routine and rules (my son has severe autism, I know it’s different for everyone).

My seventeen-year-old DD does this sometimes.
She goes from being very nostalgic and upset about missing all the lovely things she did as a child to getting very excited about the things she will do in the future.

I think the nostalgia about childhood definitely, in part, comes from a place of anxiety when the practical aspects of living were sorted and organised for you, when you didn't have to take responsibility for your own actions so much, where you didn't have to deal with uncertainty and being out of your own comfort zone. It's fear of the unknown.

The trouble with Covid-19 and how things are currently, is that teens and young adults have had the breaks put on their lives, so many of the good things about being older that balance out the childhood nostalgia and fear for the future, such as independence, freedom, friendships, travel, first jobs, first flat share, meeting potential bfs/gfs etc, driving lessons, etc have stopped or paused. And this is making adult life very unattractive currently as their wings have been clipped and they are left with the more boring bits of being an adult, and none of the excitement.

Your dd has extra challenges which must make things particularly stressful for her, and I don't know how autism affects the way someone looks at the future for example, but I honestly think, in normal times, veering between nostalgia for the past and excitement and trepidation about the future is pretty much a definition of what it is to be a young adult or late teen, if they have had a reasonably happy upbringing as a child that is.

What seems to help my DD is discussing the happy times we had, looking at old photos etc but then going on to discuss all the exciting things she has to come. And letting her vent all of her current frustrations which she does rather vigorously and at length, usually directly at me

I guess the main thing to watch out for is when stress and nostalgia turn in to full blown anxiety and depression and whether these things are interfering with her daily life. At that point , asking for support might be helpful.

It's the 'wanting to make it better for her' that is making it so difficult for you just to be with your dd and her distress/sadness/grief.

No, you can't make it better but no-one can. What you can do, and are doing, is listening, letting her express herself and taking her feelings seriously. This is such a shit time to be 25, let alone 25 with additional challenges. Having a mum who can just listen and accept her is something really valuable in your dd's life.

PPs have some good ideas about looking through old photos etc.

Just being there for her is probably the most important thing you can do at the moment though.

The suggestion of counselling is a good one if her grief and sadness persists.