At my wits end with defiant toddler

[starryeye]

Hello

My son will be 2 in January.
He has a very limited vocabulary , he can say bye , count to 5, peek a bo and ah oh when drops something etc . Nothing else .

I feel every thing is a challenge , cleaning teeth = crying struggling pulling away, refusal to sit in the buggy ( which is getting me down as I miss being able to exercise ) power walk with pram, will walk but if I try to stop him from walking into danger or picking something dangerous up he has a tantrum and Lies on the floor. Refusal to sit in an shopping trolley but if he wasn't in one would pick everything up off the shelves , holding onto my leg when I am cooking or ransacking everything out of the drawers, watches me fold everything up out of the tumble dryer then throws it all over the floor , stands up onto the chairs then onto the dining room table , won't sit long enough to eat meals tries to stand up in high chair , starts crying in the car so I am stressed when driving and worry about my concentration, some days ( most days ) refuses to nap so today has been awake from 6 am it's ridiculous . Other days will have 2 hours nap. I'm shattered on my knees with exhaustion. I work 2 12.5 shifts around him so I don't have to leave him much ie I work a weekend shift so partner is with him all day and then just work one week day when he goes to nursery. I have been looking at Monday- Friday jobs as I feel going to work would be a break, to top it off my current job is work from home at the moment so I'm not even getting a break in that respect as although my partner is looking after our son ( the weekend shift) because my shifts are so long he can't be out the house from 7 am until 8 pm so I'm trying to talk on the phone to customers but am mindful of my son getting dressed , partner trying to get him off to sleep , bath bed etc .

I feel at breaking point . Are all toddlers like this ? Should I try and find another job? Am I an awful mum for thinking to find a job to get some space ? Feel so bad as I never wanted to leave him never really left him with family and now I'm just crying because life feels so difficult . I am fed up of not being able to do a simple task such as go for a walk or chop an onion without drama . He has also just started hitting I have to keep saying no firmly but he will have a skittle in his hand for example and hit me with it laughing.

Sounds like most toddlers I'd say, my daughter goes through phases with these things. I couldn't use a trolley for months as she'd tantrum so I'd online shop and just do top up shops with her in her buggy (with a snack to keep her quietish!). She won't go in her highchair so we let her sit on a normal chair which she's happy with. I give her a dummy and a tablet in the car.

She naps some days but on the days she doesn't I still put her in her bed for some quiet time, would he play by himself so you get a break?

Sounds like you need some drawer locks as well to stop him ransacking. My little girls a climber too, haven't found a solution to that!

Lots of toddlers are like this. 2 is a horrible age because their vocab hasn't caught up with their emotions and they just can't express how they feel.

I was given what to expect - the toddler years which has been super helpful.

The main things I found useful were;

Routine, routine, routine. This takes work but then knowing what is coming next really helps. A visual timetable of the day can help. Talking through what is happening each day (they understand more than they can say) and triggers for new activities. For triggers we use CBeebies as our main one. My almost 2 year old knows that breakfast is after Peter rabbit and tea is after jo jo and gran gran.

We also do 5 min count downs when we need to leave somewhere.

All of these help them to feel more in control and less like things are done to them.

The other thing was to pick your battles. It's ok to give in sometimes. It's ok to use screen time or dummies etc to calm them down, it's ok to let them decide what happens sometimes.

With hitting or biting. Walk away from them when they do it. It's ok for them to cry but they need to know that it's not acceptable an you'll stop playing when they do it. Also make a fuss of anyone they hit or bite.

@Mustardbay he won't nap at all in the cot , he screams the house day if I put him in the cot .. so for naps I have to lie next to him on the bed until he goes off . Then either have a rest on the bed myself or be very close up ( no bed guard ). No to be honest he doesn't really play by himself , he will for a short period but becomes interested in what I am doing . So in the morning it's a challenge as I'm trying to get ready and he wants my tooth brush ( rather than his own) wants my make up etc. I don't wear much but it would be nice to be able to wash my face and look presentable but he makes that difficult , we have a shower together so we can both get washed , he wouldn't for example sit and watch a little bit of tv whilst I got ready instead I'm trying to put clothes on with him moaning that I won't let him back into the bathroom as it's now slippy ( I do have mat on the floor but I don't want him wondering in there alone when we have glass shower screen)

@Twizbe that's reassuring to know it's common behaviour . He does have a dummy and I will occasionally give him something like chocolate buttons to try and bribe him into pram but most days he will just put his body completely straight and I physically can't get him in, so I say ok then we can walk but then he will just want to walk in the their direction and when it's dangerous to do so ie may be a road or something he will lie on the floor or just go all floppy in temper making it difficult to even pick him up

Sometimes he even seems annoyed with the dummy .. usually he loves the dummy ( for naps ) but if I try and put him In the cot for his nap he will literally throw his dummies out of the cot i a somewhat protest manner lol. Same if I try and give him dummy in car sometimes will shake head or throw it .

DS is also very interested with what I’m doing so I just get him involved. Eg passing me makeup. We also have a large toothbrush for him to play with.

Sounds like he’s a bit old for a dummy, though. Might be worth reading up on falling asleep to getting a session with a sleep consultant to work out a better system.

Mine will be 2 Soon too and is very similar

He also doesn’t sleep and kicks randoms when Out and about then laughs!

My second was very much like this from about 20 months until recently. I did post about it as I was at my wits end, I was a wreck. She’s also a shit night time sleeper.

She turned 2 during the first lockdown so we couldn’t even do anything or go anywhere!

For her it was all about communication because now at 2 and a half she can communicate so much better and is a different child. She is still challenging and a defiant little thing and still doesn’t bloody sleep but you can reason with her. It’s a million times better than it was.

Hang on in there

[quote starryeye]@Twizbe that's reassuring to know it's common behaviour . He does have a dummy and I will occasionally give him something like chocolate buttons to try and bribe him into pram but most days he will just put his body completely straight and I physically can't get him in, so I say ok then we can walk but then he will just want to walk in the their direction and when it's dangerous to do so ie may be a road or something he will lie on the floor or just go all floppy in temper making it difficult to even pick him up [/quote]
My daughter does this (2 in Feb) things that have worked;

Singing to her as I strap her in. Currently while shepherds watched and Mary Magdalene's song from Jesus Christ superstar work best 🤷🏼‍♀️

Holding her between her legs and grabbing the strap that goes between the legs. She can't throw herself out from that position and she tends to comply with the strapping in.

I have tried reigns with her as well which has been better

[quote starryeye]@Twizbe that's reassuring to know it's common behaviour . He does have a dummy and I will occasionally give him something like chocolate buttons to try and bribe him into pram but most days he will just put his body completely straight and I physically can't get him in, so I say ok then we can walk but then he will just want to walk in the their direction and when it's dangerous to do so ie may be a road or something he will lie on the floor or just go all floppy in temper making it difficult to even pick him up [/quote]
You are the boss. Tackle one thing at a time.

My dd used to go as stiff as a board when trying to get her in the buggy. You just have to keep on and on relentlessly and in the end they will give up. If it takes two hours to get him into in the buggy then so be it. Do not give in. Every time you do, you are reinforcing his behaviour.

Don't sweat the small stuff though. If he wants your toothbrush instead of his, then buy two toothbrushes the same. When he asks for yours, give it to him and use the spare.