Autistic adult son ..please help

[Pringlemonster]

My son is early 20s ,lives at home ,has become increasingly stressed at noise ,we have dogs and they bark ,that sets him off.
Neighbours make noise ,and he gets stressed
Today he has been out and “told off” two different neighbors for making noise .he says next time he will not be so polite.
I’m so going to have their husbands round later.
He says he will come down and tell the husbands the same .
I can’t get through to him to stop
Anyone else had similar
This is going to cause neighbour wars

Surely the young man can decide who he wants to know his dx and who he doesn’t?

Yes, in his 20s, yes he can but by the same token, his Mum lives there too and it's her, who is going to open the door to potential aggro. Alternatively her son ''tells off'' someone and an altercation occurs.
You cannot make reasonable adjustments or empathise with someone's needs if you have no idea about them - in an ideal world, the neurotypical would be considerate to everyone precisely because they don't know their situation. It ain't that kind of world sadly. It's a fit in or fuck off world generally, which is a pain in the arse but which means if the neighbours have someone kick off about noise that isn't excessive, they will deem the OP's son as the unreasonable one. If he is in his 20s there may be more confrontation than, say, against an OAP on the street.
I'd rather my own neighbours know my kid has sensory overload than have him at risk in a conflict situation.
Polite notes in Xmas cards are an easy way of dealing with it, without having to go to extremes and if they are decent neighbours, they will consider noise levels too.

It’s up to the son if he wants to disclose his private medical information.

Hi
Im sorry if i offended anyone Im definetly not Macho sometimes when i look at the world its too pc)
I come from a very Matriarchal family (no father around to teach us how to be men) Just a strong Mother
We grew up protecting her (She developed lung cancer and on a routine visit even the doctor asked her "Do you always bring your body guards with you"
My point is sometimes you have to stand your ground
Maybe the neighbours are too loud Maybe OP son is just letting them know he is not afraid to say so
As long as he loves and respects his mother
Thats why i said i would stand by him

Hi
Im sorry if i offended anyone Im definetly not Macho sometimes when i look at the world its too pc)
I come from a very Matriarchal family (no father around to teach us how to be men) Just a strong Mother
We grew up protecting her (She developed lung cancer and on a routine visit even the doctor asked her "Do you always bring your body guards with you"
My point is sometimes you have to stand your ground
Maybe the neighbours are too loud Maybe OP son is just letting them know he is not afraid to say so
As long as he loves and respects his mother
Thats why i said i would stand by him

Sorry i seem to have double posted

If you can afford it OP take him for (Audio Interegation Therapy) its a massive help and a life changer for lots of autistic ppl.
Read about it

Hardlyever i will teach my grandsons to protect that which we love x

Audio integration therapy is one of the interventions for autism that are specifically advised against for autism isn’t it?

@Grandfather what do you teach your granddaughters?

What noise were they making that caused him to complain? That’s quite an important detail.

@5zeds I only have the 1 dgd She is 9yrs and non verbal We cant really teach her much so we just try to make her feel safe and loved (And my 8 yr old dgs who is also Autistic (and very verbal) has a serious noise aversion but since the 10yr dgs who is also non verbal Autistic makes so much noise (his squeals can be quite deafening ) We cannot do much except explain there will always be some noise He also says he hates the sun Ive explained not much i can do about sunshine !
We seem to have digressed though The main thing i was asking is WHO is being unreasonable noise sensitivity can be disruptive to normal living noise but noisy neighbours can be irritating to the point of causing anger

But nowhere has the OP suggested that the neighbours’ noise level is the problem, @Grandfather. Her problem as she sees it is that her noise-averse son (who is also stressed by the barking of their own dogs) is sufficiently rude when ‘telling off’ two different neighbours for her to anticipate an escalation of trouble to come.

Sorry ,
I can’t believe I didn’t come back to this thread ,Thankyou for the comments and help .
So the noise was a car engine,running for 10 minutes every morning at the same time ..he was getting very stressed with the fact they were leaving engines running and going back in the house ,or sitting in it while it ran ..
His bedroom is just above their drive and garden..
They are often jet washing or mowing On Sunday morning at 7.30 ,and it’s just built up and built up .
Plus we already had a dog he didn’t like ,then we ended up with 2 more that family couldn’t cope with ..and now he’s not coping with the dogs .
I did ring the GP who said it sounds like he needs the adult mental health team .so would refer him.
Then she phoned me back and said she can’t refer without his permission..so spoke to him .he refused to be referred ,and that was that .
Yes the neighbors are annoying,but I’m sure we aren’t perfect either ,I’m sure we annoy them sometimes..it’s all about compromising and learning to live together...which he struggles with ..
We ended up locking the front door so he couldn’t get out .
I’ve since got him to come and tell me when he’s stressed and we sit and do deep breathing together.
He’s dreading the summer ,as the mowing and noise will start again ...
Engines in winter defrosting
Mowing and jet washing in summer ..
I’ve 2 with autism ...that are diagnosed....
We really need an island somewhere 😢

Is having 3 dogs in the home something that your son will cope with longterm? You said that he didn't like the first dog then you took on two more that family weren't coping with.

Are the family members planning on having the dogs back or are they now with you permanently?

3 dogs in a house is a lot to cope with for a person with sensory sensitivity. This could be more of a problem than the neighbours noise.

If the noise that is distressing and setting him up for a stressful day is regular e.g from 7.30am, could he build in to his routine a calming sensory experience like a bath where he can put his ears under and block it out? Or something like a hot drink in the garden & feeding the birds, if you have a back garden and it will remove him from the road noise?

No I have no one to give the dogs to ...a relative went in to a care home and I got the dogs they couldn’t take in ,,and I take the dogs to visit ,or I would if we were not in lockdown .
One is very old ,and possibly won’t live long ,so he might be less stressed then ..although the rest of us will be upset as no one wants to loose a pet

If you aren’t super attached to the dogs there might be someone local who would have them to stay and take them to visit the original owner. Share the joy of dogs is becoming more common.

I take it you’ve tried the basics like music or white noise machines. Would he sleep with a fan on? They can be quite relaxing and cut out some outdoor noise when half asleep

I’ve other children who are super attached to the dogs ...so whatever I do I hurt / upset someone.

I’ve suggested music on quietly and bought super noise cancelling headphones