Tips for coping with shitty disturbed sleep for long periods

[Readysetcake]

Have two and five year old who seem to hate sleep. Every single night one, but usually both, are up. 2 year old just cries out and has to be settled, 5 year too hot/thirsty/needs a wee/scared of the dark/ lonely. The list is endless. Tried rewards etc with her and she improved but rarely sleeps through.

As a consequence I’m fucking exhausted all the time and my marriage is suffering and I’m a worse mother for it I’m sure. My DH and I have aged terribly since my eldest was born. It’s quite shockingly and upsetting looking back at pictures. Not sure how much more I can take.

How do I cope? Both of us work in the week and family not nearby, not that it would matter at the moment anyway. I feel like I’m nearing the end of my tether with it. 5 fucking years.

We just co slept. It was all we could do...same age difference with ours too. DH would go in with the younger and I would go with the eldest. At least we could sleep. It went on till the oldest hit 7 and she suddenly didn't need us like that any more. The youngest took longer but now we're ok...

Yup, co-sleeping here too. Make sure they've got comfy beds that are big enough for you.

Another vote for co sleeping! It's not ideal, perfect or comfortable sleep, it's survival.

Caffeine and sugar.

Can you take a day of a/l for yourself? So send them to school/ nursery. Have a bath/nap.
Try to take it in turns with DH some weekends to take both out for an afternoon, even a couple of hours so you get a bit of peace, same with a lie in, children go downstairs with one parent and the other gets Left Alone.
Make sure you’re taking your vitamins. Every so often try to go to bed super early (like 7pm). Keep channels of affection & communication open with DH. You might not be up for sex, but make sure you hug regularly & thank and appreciate each other.

We also spend a good bit of time talking about staying in bed aaaallll night. It doesn’t help, but I like to think it’s embedding the idea 😂
I’ve also gone over their room to make sure eg temperature is okay. We have some pre-bed rituals involving going for a wee, having a drink etc.

My kids 6 and 7. Youngest has ASD and whenever he isn't up it seems to be my daughter. He wakes early as well, so now my husband and I alternate the mornings, the other gets a lie in till about 07:30! Just going to bed knowing it's not your morning helps. On a weekend we both take time out, I usually just sit upstairs and watch tv/read but it gives me some headspace.

How about a small bed/single mattress in your room for the 5 year old? So if they wake up, they can just come in and sleep in the room with you. But the catch is, if they wake you, they get sent back to their own room.
The 2 year old is probably old enough to understand this too, depends if they’re closer to 1 or 3. What happens if you just ignore them in the night? My youngest used to call out and one night I just didn’t go in because I didn’t even wake up, and then the next day I really praised them up for staying in their room and they’ve been fine since. However, they know they can get up and come into our bed but they have to make no noise otherwise they get sent back to their room.
Mine are older now and this gentle but firm technique seems to have worked.

Co sleep if you can.

Once I started hallucinating through sleep deprivation, I realized I just needed to do something. Co sleeping was a godsend.

I just got into the other end of the bed with mine. We both slept much better!

I'm co-sleeping with a 4yo too. DH in the spare room most of the time so we can all get a good night's rest. We both have busy jobs and DS is better for the uninterrupted sleep as well.

Sympathies. My four year old has never slept through, the two year old is rare. They climb into bed with us and don’t usually disturb us at that point (so hard to correct the behaviour then) but between one and or the other or their older sibling we’re usually up every two hours. Have an under bed bed in four year olds room we will sleep in to reassure him.

Over the last decade (because the eldest slept badly too) I’ve lost at least two years sleep. I don’t drink caffeine but I use sweet stuff to stay awake so all sorts of crap effects.

Thank you all for your replies. I tried co sleeping with the 2 year old but he just doesn’t settle and is sooo wriggly I still get no sleep and he keeps waking. He seems to like having lots of space. Maybe he needs a bigger bed?? He’s in a toddler bed but is a big boy.

I’ve tried to leave him but he just gets louder and louder and works himself into a frenzy. Maybe if he was my only one I would have left him longer but he just wakes the eldest.

If it was just the 5 yo the co sleeping would work, but the fact I have to get up and down for youngest disturbs her. My DH works away in the week which starts back up again from next week so won’t be able to share the load and take turns to sleep with her. Plus DH hates co sleeping with them.

I think I will take the advice of just going to bed really early a couple of times a week and maybe weekend naps. We do alternate lie ins on the weekend, though it’s not really extra sleep as the kids are so loud! But the extra rest is appreciated.

We managed a few nights away for our anniversary last week (wales so lockdown over) and it was amazing to sleep and remember what it felt like to be rested! I think it’s made me feel worse as it’s reminded me what life could be! It’s just so depressing to think of this going on for years. I know it will stop eventually. But just feels like I will be exhausted forever

Oh yes, you always feel worse once you've been reminded what it's like to have a good nights sleep!

Is the 5 year old in the dark or does she have a night light? Most of those excuses you can encourage her to solve herself. Leave a water bottle by the bed - no need to get up for a drink. She's allowed to go for a wee and go back to bed. Too hot, tell her to stick her feet out from under the duvet til she cools down. Would having music playing make her less lonely? Putting them in together?

I'd put the toddler in a bed that was large enough for me to lie on too. I think when mine were that age I hopped from bed to bed. Our only rule was kids had to stay in their room so I'd invariably go from mine via DC2's to DC1's and back to DC2's during the night.