How to stop being needy? I’m an adult!

[Autumnblooms]

Hi,

So I’ve always known I’m quite a needy person, I internally get upset if I don’t have constant physical contact, I’m not taking about sex or needing my partner to tell him he loves me everyday, that I can cope without as I know he loves me, what I can’t cope without is that he no longer randomly cuddles me, kisses me, holds my hand ect. We have been together 17 years and only mid to late 30’s so it’s not like we’re over the hill or anything!

I’ve spoke about this to him lots and it never really changes anything, I’ve been trying for years.....years!!

I’ve accepted that it’s not going to happen and other than that one thing everything else is ok.

How do I stop feeling so upset about this? I know I’m needy, I’ve always been this way which I assume can be quite pathetic coming from someone who isn’t a love struck teenager and is actually suppose to be a adult, but HOW do mange this emotion? As I have no idea and I’m at the end of tether with it all!! Does anyone have any advice at all??? Please!

Thank you

If it's not going to change then you either put up with it or leave him

I’m not going to break up a young family because of that, that’s quite dramatic isn’t it?

How would I put up with it? Just ignore the feeling? (I’m finding that hard, is it what other people tend to do successfully?)

You need to work out whether this is a "you problem" or a "him problem" and act accordingly.

"You problem" would be if he's being affectionate, but not constantly, because life, and it's not enough for you - in that case maybe therapy?

"Him problem" would be if he's withdrawn all physical affection despite having previously been fine with it. This to me would point to him being checked out of the relationship, and you need to have a serious conversation about your future.

If this has been a long term issue that you have talked about a lot then it isn't likely to change much.
If you think that he loves you and is affectionate to you in other ways you maybe need to accept that some people are more physically tactile than others.
Maybe getting a pet would help you, they can very tactile and needy ( I'm not super tactile and find the clinginess of the dog a bit much sometimes!)

Thank you, I’m not enthused about admitting it but it’s a me problem, it’s almost like I know something is wrong with me but I have no idea and to stop being like this!!

Therapy? Do you think they would laugh at me? I thought people went to therapy for ‘real problems’? I’ll look into it though

What do you mean by "constant" physical contact? If you mean that literally you are being ridiculous.

I would say this is a real problem, it speaks to some sort of insecurity/attachment issue, and is obviously having a negative impact on you, and your relationship!

Can you try to think a bit more deeply about where these feelings might come from?

A therapist won't laugh at you OP, you have an issue which is interfering with your daily life and relationship.
Therapy is designed to deal with just those types of things.

Are you sure this is not a him problem? If he is withholding from you emotionally then that may be a him problem? You may also have an insecure attachment style. What was your childhood like? Did you have an emotionally withholding/ distant parent? There could be lots of reasons for this, it may be that it is a you issue, but even if it is it may not help how your husband is handling it. Some people are incompatible. Some people can work on their problems if the individual(s) get help. But more often you needed to work together on issues that effect you as a couple. I would say that there are probably a lot of things contributing to this. It is ok to have needs and ask for them so long as they are reasonable. Are they reasonable?

It’s because I don’t have any family, I have my partner and children obviously, but the rest of my family have either moved away and don’t bother with me or are criminals.

I’ve been abandoned, which I’m fine with, it hurts though obviously, but I’m ok with it, it’s just the way things went for me. But I know I’m ok now and have been for years, even if my partner was to leave me I would still have my children so it’s not like I’m going to be alone.

See, I know what the reason is and I know why- so why isn’t this needy problem stopping or stopped years ago???

How do I get rid of it- I’m so tired of feeling like I have to be needed!! It almost makes me angry with myself!

But surely you ARE needed? Do you get any affection from your partner?