All time motherhood low

[Tingalingtortoise]

NC because I’m so embarrassed.
DS 2.5 years old has the most horrific tantrums, he has normal tantrums too but I can distract him out of them fairly easily. Today we met a friend for a walk with her 2 year old and they were playing on a wooden dragonfly having a good time. Then it was time to walk away, her DD came away happily ready for the next adventure. My DS started with a tantrum because he wanted to stay. I tried to distract him with going to see the ducks, let’s follow your friend etc. Then I realised it was one of his almighty tantrums where nothing helps. At home I put him in his bedroom and let him thrash it out there whilst I just sit calmly near him until eventually he tires out. On the walk I just tried to hold his hand and make him walk back home. He wouldn’t walk, his wellies kept falling off, I had to wrestle him, drag him, coax him all the way back to a road where I rang DH to come from work and drive him back because I couldn’t carry/wrestle him any further. It was awful. It was embarrassing. It’s an all time low for me and I never want to leave the house with him again. I’m now sat at home crying. This isn’t normal and I don’t know what to do. I’m a SAHM and days like this I just want to run away. I’ve never seen other kids turn into animals and thrash around in a fit of rage, snot and tears. What can I do

OP my DD was the one kid in the park that was kicking off. We all know one, cries when they have to leave, tries to run off, throws themselves on the floor like a demon. I used to look round and think no other kid is like mine, I would love it when another parent would tell me their toddler was bad

Anyway, 6 months on and her tantrums are more like a little whinge. Easily distracted and can reason with her (kinda!) You'll get there OP. It's tough and lonely, nothing worse than dreading going out and then feeling embarrassed.

Dealt with not doubt with!!

Mine wasn't much of a tantrumer, but I remember one in town where I had to carry him under my arm thrashing around and occasionally putting him down on the floor as I physically couldn't do it anymore all the way across town - at least 15 min of walking normally and it took 45 or more.

My mum used to tell me that in her 40 years as an infant teacher, the one thing she'd learnt was that over a childs first 16 years, they are all pretty much the same amount of trouble, they just do it at different times and for different people.

Next time, take the buggy so that you can strap him into it and happily ignore his tantrum with a smile (all whilst seething internally).

I couldn't take my youngest out without the buggy until he was three for this very reason.

I remember those epic ones, where there's really not a thing you can do. I noticed after way too many of them that it was usually when DD was tired and hungry. Maybe because we'd delayed a meal (or she wouldn't eat it), or she was too absorbed playing and didn't stop when tired. She'd suddenly hit a block and lose absolutely all self control! Even now as a lovely, very sensible 7yo, when she's tired she can suddenly switch from happy and excited to tearful, imagining terrible things, and impossible to reason with - it's like flicking a switch, but only happens when she's tired. And the only thing to do is get her to bed ASAP.

Could that be a trigger for your DS too? Makes it a bit easier to head off and less annoying, since you feel a bit sorry for them. You do need to catch them before they get to that point though, once they lose control it's too late.

Yep honestly I'm sure it's worse for you than for anyone else. I still have the tantrum stage to come with my baby girl but when it comes to other toddlers I've had in my life - literally nothing surprises me. They can be little demon creatures.

If I see a toddler having a tantrum while out it probably would catch my attention and I'd look for a second but only because a screaming child makes people look, it's instinct. I bet more of the people looking baby sympathy for you and understanding of the demon-toddler-behaviour than you realise!

Oops typo: I bet more of the people looking have sympathy

Thank you everyone, I’ve had a good cry and read through your messages and feeling a bit better about it all. I just spoke to DH and he said he could remember having massive tantrums as a child so maybe I’m in for a rollercoaster ride. If I take the pushchair he doesn’t want to walk so I try and limit that option but for my own sanity I think I’ll have to stick with taking it. I also try to meet with friends in the afternoon when he’s already had a nap and lunch but sometimes that just doesn’t fit with other friends schedules. Do HV run any parental classes? (I’m in the UK)

This was my 2yo DD this morning before nursery. It escalated beyond any distractions/solutions so I eventually just had to wrestle her into the buggy and wheeled her down the street screaming incomprehensibly (her not me although also me a little bit). She also pee’d on my lap last night. Magical. Do you have other concerns beyond the tantrums?

My DC2 used to do things like that. When it happened there was absolutely nothing I could do. All sensible discussions before we went out about how to behave meant nothing and no amount of bribery/distraction/consequences would make any difference. He had a knack of tantruming in a way that meant I had to intervene for his own safety but by doing so made the whole thing look so much worse. For example I remember him clinging to a lamp post by a zebra crossing because he wanted to go to a friend's house nearby and I was trying to take him home. I could not leave him as he could have ended up in the busy road so instead we ended up in a crazy octopus fight where I removed one limb from the lamp post only for him to out several others round it each time. Whilst screaming 'don't want to' repeatedly and loudly.

Friends' children were not perfect but seemed to misbehave in a much less public and loud way.

He is now a teenager and incredibly strong willed but better able to express and discuss his frustrations.

Been there!!

It happens, you could of course just wait it out at the scene if you can. Which isn’t always easy!

I am sure your friend was feeling a bit helpless and wanted to be able to fix it with you but maybe didn’t want to interfere?

Don’t be a yourself up about it- sounds very normal.

Have a glass of something lovely this eve.

I’ve found just sitting near the child saying ‘oh dear, you are really cross and sad, poor you, you seem so cross’ while they just cry and writhe works OK. Forget all the plans, just wait it out. It is very hard and boring!

Also as a pp said, make sure they are fed ok and not too tired and you aren’t in a hurry.

Maybe a day or so in nursery would do him good, I bet he’s an angel for them!

Big hugs, we’ve all been there.

Dr Laura Markham is great- aha parenting website.

I really feel for you OP. Unless you have any other developmental concerns, it probably is just his age. They have big emotions, no impulse control and so much brain development going on at that age, that it just overwhelms them.

Is there anything particular that triggers him? Is it transitions? If so, could you try saying 'ok, 10 minutes and then we're going. 5 mins left..ok, last 2 minutes.' Just to give a bit of warning. It's so tough. I would recommend 'No Bad Kids' by Janet Lansbury. She gives a great perspective and practical ideas to help with behaviour.

Good grief. You’re completely premature. You can’t start picking all time lows until he turns 21 😉.

Take a lightweight buggy on trips, honestly. Maybe one with a shoulder strap to carry it with you or maybe just use it to carry all your stuff until he needs it, but it’s so much easier when “all” (ha!) you have to do is wrangle them into the buggy and get the straps done up!

You are certainly not alone! My 6yo DS has always been prone to massive outbursts which can last ages. You can't reason with them at all when they are in that state. At 2.5 your LO is definitely going to struggle at times with controlling and expressing his emotions, and even though it is horrible for you, he probably can't help it. I've realised my DS is particularly over-sensitive and just finds it really hard to control his emotions when upset (he is getting much better but then he is 6!). He had a massive breakdown in the zoo gift-shop earlier in the year (just as they were about to close) because he couldn't decide which toy he wanted and I had limited his options (on the basis of cost!). I have got a lot better at being understanding and trying to stay calm (after much practice!) as getting cross just makes it worse.

I would also take the pushchair and snacks everywhere at that age when we went out to try and avoid issues around tiredness and hunger (with greater or lesser success).

I just spoke to DH and he said he could remember having massive tantrums as a child so maybe I’m in for a rollercoaster ride.

It's your DH's fault. Blame him .

Seriously, some children have tantrums, some hit and bite, some are naughty and don't listen, some whine, some moan. It is what it is - not really down to parenting though you have to adjust your parenting style depending on the child.

My almost 3 DS doesn't really tantrum but he's often naughty and wilful. And goodness, he can moan for bloody England when he doesn't get his own way! Not quite in this league, but to hear him whining "Mummy, I want a biscuit!" over and over again for 20 minutes while out in the park with friends (he simply will not shut up!) is fairly embarrassing too .