Did your DD/DS tell you about their first kiss?

[User647647]

Hello,

I have a 10 year old daughter and she shares everything with me at the moment.

She has started watching Modern Family and although a lot of it goes over her head, she sometimes asks me about kissing and S E X (she never says the word, always spells it instead)

I am trying to talk about this stuff in a casual way at the moment and I always ask her to please let me know when she kisses a boy, but she says she won’t because it’s embarrassing.

I’m not expecting it to have for a while yet, but it’s undeniable it will happen eventually and there is certain advice that I will want to give her when the time comes.

Did your kids share this experience with you? If so, did it come from them or how did you find out?

Thanks!

My DD is a bit younger than yours, and young for her age, so it's not come up, but my first thought on reading your post is that I would have sooner died than discuss my first kiss with my mum when I was a teenager! I think your expectations might be unrealistic.

Yes and he was 18

But why on earth do you think your child should volunteer such private information?

As an aside (and way more important), talk to her about sex and make her comfortable enough to stop spelling the word, like it's something embarrassing or shameful.

Never in a million years would I have told my mum this.

I know, I didn’t discuss it with my mum either, but I feel parent/child relationships now are closer and more open than when I was young.

I guess when she’s around 13 I’ll just talk to her about it, I just want to make sure she only does it because she wants to, no peer pressure, etc...

It’s not that I want details of how it happened.

I certainly didn’t tell my mum when I had my first kiss. I didn’t report losing my virginity either. I obviously introduced my first boyfriend at 17 to parents once it had got ‘serious’ but beyond making sure I knew about the important things like accessing contraception and consent I wasn’t expected to keep my mum updated on anything

The thing is your daughter may not want to discuss it with you so I think it’s just more important to show that you’re there for her, and that you’re open and comfortable to have these conversations with no awkwardness so that if she wants or needs to open up then she’ll be happy to. But saying to ‘please let me know’ about kissing a boy is more like an instruction and I don’t think it really opens up being able to have healthy and comfortable discussions.

@User647647

I know, I didn’t discuss it with my mum either, but I feel parent/child relationships now are closer and more open than when I was young.

I guess when she’s around 13 I’ll just talk to her about it, I just want to make sure she only does it because she wants to, no peer pressure, etc...

It’s not that I want details of how it happened.

So tell her now

The chances are, when you finally do tell her you'll be a couple of years too late.

I had my first kiss aged 12 and my mum would never have dreamed or prying or requesting I come to her and tell her.

< Shudders >

you want her to report her first kiss to you?
sorry, but that's really weird and very intrusive. why would you want/need to know that?

I absolutely never told my mother - and we're very close! It's really weird that you would want to be told! It was such a private special thing - nothing to do with anyone else!

What sauvignonbonk said. You can't instruct her to tell you! You can try to facilitate a close open relationship where she wants to tell you these things, but I would imagine it is pretty rare to tell your parents about your first kiss. I have a 12 year old DD, I think we have a good relationship, but she doesn't want to discuss boys/girls/who has a crush etc with me, & I can't imagine she will be reporting her first kiss to me. I didn't tell mine!

You need to talk to her about it now. Waiting until she’s had her first kiss is already too late to talk about peer pressure etc. I wouldn’t wait until she’s 13 either, that’s very late. Are you planning on waiting until she’s 16 before talking about sex properly too? This should all be discussed long before she needs to be thinking about it.

I think you should keep your nose out of it. Making so much of a first kiss is pressure in itself. She’s also making it clear she doesn’t want to talk about it with you so I think it would be a mistake to force it.

I didn’t tell my mum and she didn’t ask.

Mine are only young but I told my parents when I had my first kiss. My stepdad picked me up from a party and I told him I'd snogged a boy and that it was horrible and I was never doing it again! I was 14. My stepdad laughed and told me I'd change my mind, I was insistent that he was wrong (he wasn't lol!). When I got home relayed the whole thing to my mother too. My mum especially was very open with us growing up so telling them didn't feel embarrassing.

Weird thread. You have advice you want to give her about her first kiss ?

There should be age appropriate conversations about relationships happening with your children from much younger than your daughter is now which should continue until she is much older. But specifically about her first kiss, no, that’s just intrusive. If she wants to tell you, that’s fine but how you’re going about it is not.

Also, she 10. Let her be a child. I’d hope she’s not even contemplating kissing boys.

Oh. And remember it could be a girl she kisses, not a boy. Still none of your business though !

Interesting. I have a 9 year old daughter who is inquisitive like yours. I don't think I would expect her to tell me about her first kiss. I certainly didn't tell my mum and we were very close.

I don't think it's weird at all that a 10 year old is thinking about these things. I mean, she's not doing them or obsessing about them, but recognising certain aspects of relationships at this age isn't weird.

Sorry. I think I haven’t expressed myself properly.

I’m not instructing her or asking her to do something she’ll feel uncomfortable doing.

She is my first so I guess I have to realise how the close relationship we have now will eventually end, and I know that that’s the normal thing to happen.

I agree with you guys though, that I should speak to her before I think it will happen. As I said above, it’s not about the details and ins and outs of the kiss itself, I just want her to know that it has to happen in her own terms.

Thanks to all for your advice though.

There's something very unhealthy about a household where one has to spell out S E X and has to inform mother when one has their first kiss

On the remote chance that people are struggling to talk to their children about this- please don't wait until they're 13! Lots of girls begin puberty and periods in Y5 and Y6- they need to know about the changes their body is going through years before they're 13!

My DD ( 15) did as I picked her up afterwards. They met up at a Starbuck’s and he kissed her when they said goodbye. She was 13, nearly 14 at the time.

She reported that his breath smelt and the kiss was sloppy! 🤣

I know she’s had a few snogs since then but she doesn’t share details ( I’m happy to say). We’ve had discussions about contraception so I think she might tell me when she’s had/is ready to have sex as she may want me to accompany her to the doctor’s - or she may sort it out herself.

I told my Mum when I first had sex, I was at university so a bit of a later starter.😄.

@nemeton. Ah, but many teens WANT to talk about their first kiss and sex in general. I think my DD feels comfortable talking to me, because she knows I won’t judge and will answer questions if she has any.

Oh gosh it would never have crossed my mind to have told my mum about my first kiss.

Or sex.

No and I wouldn't want to know! Have the talk about valuing and respecting yourself etc and then let the girl get on with life. My 12-yr old grandson has just spent 2 lessons learning about porn (he had no interest before but now jokes about getting to 18 and being able to sign up on his phone to watch 'hard core') and in-depth details about sex and body changes - nothing was left out, believe me (TMI about smegma thank you!). So have the basic chat at primary level to prepare her but leave her to have her first kiss without feeling in the spotlight.

@pinkdragons. I don’t know why I told my Mum, I just did! I think my DD told me about her first kiss as she literally walked from Starbuck’s over to the car park - so it had just happened. She was bursting to tell someone and I was there.🤣

@AmICrazyorWhat2 but that's different- wanting to talk to your parents because you have a close relationship is great, and healthy (as long as not too much detail ). It's a world away from "must".